Not myself

 I am not myself. I feel like I’m an entirely different person although I’m not fully aware of who this new me is. 

 

My husband and I had a long conversation last night about hard it is to be in existence. I feel as though I’m faking my old self to other people because that’s the me they know, love, and understand. I fear losing people because there’s a new me that I don’t know how to present to others. Or, with a select few people I love, I fake the old me to them because if I don’t, there’s nothing to talk about because I don’t understand them anymore. 

 

It’s very hard to have a “normal” conversation with nearly anyone these days because all this superficial stuff in our earthly realm mean virtually nothing to me. So to listen about this new thing they bought, or they’re worrying about x, y, or z that I can’t even comprehend worrying or caring about anymore. 

 

The change in me was unavoidable and I am loving my new self, my growth. However, relating to the people in my life who either aren’t “awake” or at least haven’t been in a serious “questioning your life day to day situation,” is proving to be exhausting, frustrating, and overall, lonely. 

 

How do you continue to be around people who don’t understand? Especially when these are people you love and care about deeply? It’s like being torn in two. 

 

I don’t want to fake this old persona because I do love myself now but I also don’t want to lose certain people that I love based simply on their lack of understanding. But, it’s so difficult to hear about all these things that just don’t matter. To them, it matters, a lot. To me, that stuff use to matter, too. Now, I don’t care about my appearance, or about a savings account, or who said what about whomever. I can’t take money with me to Heaven, and quite frankly, it took one serious illness to destroy amazing credit we worked years to obtain and drain all our funds. My looks, weight, makeup, etc went out the window because I’m just happy to wake up each day, eat what I can when I can, and keep as many chemical filled products away from me as I can. 

 

I want to have meaningful, real, and deep conversations that stem beyond the surface. But, surface is what most people know, understand, and think about on a daily basis. I’m very fortunate for my could new friends who do understand it and are helping me on my journey. But at times it feels others I’ve known and loved for years are falling to the side. Because we’re growing in different directions. It’s a harsh reality.

 

As beautiful (and obviously simultaneously terrifying) this journey has been for me, this part is one of the hardest. The not being understood and not having people to relate to while also playing a part each day that I put on to attempt a relationship with some people. 

 

It’s lonely. Growing is beautiful and I don’t intend to stop. But, I miss connection.