The End

This may very well be my last entry. I’ve thought about writing a lot but have held back not knowing what to say. 

So much has happened in the last few months. Many highs and many lows. We recently took a road trip to Arizona and it was wonderful. Sedona was the most magical place and I’m so glad I got to experience it. 

 

I spent a lot of our drive just watching my husband drive. The white hair framing his face. I thought so many times, “wow, I am so lucky I get to grow old with this incredible man.” I see so many people in terrible relationships or none, hoping to find someone who will just treat them respectfully. I know that I am fortunate to not only have found “my person” but to have gone through everything we have with a cancer diagnosis and still he loves me (and I him) wholeheartedly. Even after years of no sex due to treatments/surgeries, sickness, pain, weight gain, weight loss, complete change in my physical appearance and still every day he tells me he loves me. 

 

Every day is such a struggle. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t open my phone and see what people talk about, complain about, or care about. Money, clothes, shoes, mad at their spouse for petty dumb shit, giving kids devices to keep them out of their hair, superficial bullshit… none of those things are going to keep me alive. I can take none of that with me and the regrets I have looking back… it disgusts me thinking about the shit I use to care about. The shit you still care about. 

 

Now that I’m looking at the beginning of the end, do you know what matters? The few people who show up, not just physically but the people who are real and make their love for me known. The memories, time, laughs, and comfort I’m receiving from my  “made family.” I’ve lost and left behind many people who didn’t deserve my time or took advantage of us during our darkest time(s). 

 

My husband is now just starting his journey with realizing who’s “real” and who will be there for him and who won’t. Its sad to know that during this time,  some people he thought would be by his side, can’t put their own shit aside for a while to be here with him. But, the hardest times of your life will show you everyone’s true colors. I just wish he didn’t have to endure this, too. 

 

He’s so strong when he doesn’t need to be. Taking care of the house, the kids, their schooling, me, the hospital, you name it and really, he should get to be at my bedside whenever but that’s not reality. The kids need him too. The pets and house need him too. Just because my life is ending, doesn’t mean his life gets to slow and it’s eating at him. 

 

I know for me life is hard but his is hard too just in a very different way. I have mostly found acceptance with my life and it’s course. But, comparatively, my life now is boring. I lay here day in and day out waiting for those that know to show up and see me when they have time. Or watch tv which is not a hobby of mine to begin with. Too tired and weak to do much but too uncomfortable to sleep. 

 

This part of the journey isn’t something people really talk about. Knowing the end is close, having no power to stop it, but being here feeling it and living it. Wondering when the end will come. Will it hurt? Will I “know” beforehand? Will it be quick? Who will be by my side? 

 

I struggled for days wondering if I should tell my dad.  Long story short he hasn’t been around in 15 years not for lack of trying on my end. Recently reconnected briefly once without much follow up. I ultimately decided to tell him because I know he wouldn’t have if reversed so I thought “I don’t want to be like him.” He responded exactly as I knew he would, almost word for word. “Toni, this is sad news and I love you. I can never get away from work.” I have no issues with that. The issue I have is STILL my whole family will want him back and kiss his ass. Then there’s wondering why I’m not close with some of them. Even not caring about my death or my funeral, they will still welcome him open armed and “rug sweep.” The sting of betrayal is there. Stupid, but there. I say stupid because I know this about them hence why I don’t participate with them and we owe each other nothing but for whatever reason it still hurts. I feel like maybe it hurts because even him not caring about my death, that wouldn’t change their mind so it’s as if my life to them meant nothing. He’s STILL more important than me. 

 

There’s so many end-of-life thoughts and feelings. It’s lonely in this head of mine. Nobody understands. I’m here, living this altered way of life to try to stay as independent as long as possible, while loved ones come and go visiting; sharing time, pictures, and memories. Trying to both spend time with the kids and not let them drain me. It’s like a surreal blur of chaos and I’m standing in the middle watching it all, knowing that at any moment this may be my last. Last meal, last laugh, last hug, last anything… 

 

Know I’m grateful for the life I’ve lived. I wish I had learned some of these lessons sooner. Cutting out energy leeches (shitty friends/family), caring about the actual important things in life, and putting the FUCKING PHONE DOWN TO JUST LIVE LIFE.

 

I’d like to tell you not to take life for granted and all that, but you won’t. Your journey has to teach you those lessons. Or you’ll be too stubborn to learn them because change is uncomfortable and nobody wants to put in the work. 

 

I do hope everyone finds happiness. I hope the world wakes up to what’s really important. Good luck.