Loss

 I’m sitting here confused. Partially numb. I reached out to a woman I met 3-4 weeks ago at the ConnersClinic. We talked and exchanged numbers to keep in touch. She had been on my mind the last couple days so I couldn’t ignore the urge to reach out anymore. 

 

Today, I woke up to a text from her number but a response not from stating that she had passed away a week ago. My heart sank. 

 

Selfishly, it brings up so many feelings and questions. I’m no stranger to death. Just in my 1.5 years battling my own disease, I’ve lost 4 people. Before this, I lost numerous at the nursing home. You might think, “big deal,” but as a nursing assistant, those residents become like family. They aren’t a job, at least not all of them. You bond with them when they have no one. You become their life line. You care for them and love them. 

 

It has be wondering if I’m suppose to learn something from this. Death. I’ve held people as they took their last breath. I’ve consoled family as they waited for the coroner. I’ve been called at home when someone passed on my day off to come and sit with family members while they waited for other family to get there. I’ve cleaned up their bodies, packed up their belongings, and released their souls back to the world (open the window). 

 

There’s something to be said about being so comfortable around a trying time such as death. I’m not sure what that something to be said is but I have to wonder if I’m missing something? 

 

Why is that a theme in my life? Why is their time now? Why is mine not? 

 

I’m grateful for every second I’m here. But moments like these make the journey so hard. Knowingly making friends that, too, are clawing to stay alive and who likely won’t make it is so hard. But we deserve friends, people who understand us, but boy is it hard when they pass on… makes us question our own mortality. Makes us grieve the loss of their physical being here in this realm. 

 

What a hard, beautiful, strange, terrifying, and humbling situation I’m in. I’m learning, slowly, to feel less pain and more honor when people pass on to the next dimension, but it’s still a difficult concept. 

 

Truthfully, I hope it never gets any easier. I don’t want to be numb to the loss of life. But, if I can fully look on with love, honor, and acceptance when they pass instead of numb, then I’ll have achieved another important level of growth. 

 

I’m still not there… but I’m close. Rita, may your family/friends/loved ones be comforted and given strength and love. May your soul be welcomed on the other side with open arms.