Numb

 Once again my results weren’t good. Which just blows my mind. I feel so incredibly good, how can this be? It’s seems and feels as though no matter what I do, it doesn’t work. This cancer really is sneaky and cares for no one. 

 

The news number me. I feel calm but empty. It’s such a daunting feeling. Sitting trying to plan for a future but also talking and prepping for the end. We made wills today. I’m sitting here thinking about my lasts… my last Christmas with my kids. My last hugs and loving embraces. Last trips. Trying to stay present enough to enjoy them while my mind is begging to God for more time. 

 

I know I’m suppose to learn from this. Whether the end is looming or not. But the mental gymnastics my brain goes through on a daily basis is astonishing. 

 

Never would I wish this on anyone. “Stay positive” they say while being bombarded with bad. “You got this” they say when I don’t want it. 

 

I try harder than people know to be positive while I’m clawing my way there every second of every day. 

 

No one can prepare you for this. Never did I think I wouldn’t be there to watch my kids fall in love, get married, establish their lives, see their children, my grandchildren. But God waits for no one.

 

I’m sitting here crying, begging God for another chance. Please, don’t take me away, yet. I know I have so much more to give. And I don’t want to be without my loved ones. I just love them too much to go on without them. 

 

I apologized to myself taking advantage for so long and not treating myself right. But, it seems at times, too little, too late. I hope very much that I’m wrong about that. I want to be here my family. It’s too soon.