Time

I was reading a post that a fellow cancer patient had written. She had her friend post it after her passing in the event of her death. She wrote about how she didn’t lose a battle with cancer and how western medicine turns it into this “battle.” She gently reminded us that none of us get out of this world alive and each of us has our day and destiny.

 

She was wise but thoughtful in her post. She knew that her energy just now was entering a different a state of being and that her journey continued, simply elsewhere than this physical plain.

 

We all assume we have more time. “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “Maybe later.” If you KNEW there was no tomorrow what you would REFUSE to put off until tomorrow? What would you do RIGHT NOW? Whatever that is, start doing it or working towards doing it. Because that’s what my life is, a never ending “knowing” my days numbered. You can sit and say “we could all die tomorrow” in a stupid, unthoughtful attempt to make me feel better. Even though I know you mean well, it’s a VERY insensitive thing to say when you simply don’t know what that feels like. To know you’re time is less, every day reminded by your situation that the clock is ticking.

 

I’ve had to sit and really sort out my thoughts and feelings. My mom and I were talking the other day and she brought up how her generation was taught to work hard in hopes that they could retire early and start enjoying life more. I said, “that’s great but what about all the people like me who don’t get that time. (Or likely won’t)” I’ve spent a long time putting off my desire to live differently, to travel more and now will I get that time? Likely no. Now I have two choices here…

 

I can be bitter about it. The unfairness of it all. Or I can I look at all the things I have done, places I have gone, and be grateful for each of them.

 

Since my first good scans I’ve been mentally spinning my wheels trying to find a way to make that lifestyle happen. But doing things “the right way” without stopping paying bills, defaulting on loans, etc, it’s virtually impossible. Then I started thinking… money is just another box we’re trapped in. Money doesn’t matter. I can’t take it with me. If the power went out across the world I could maybe burn it to keep warm for a second. It’s literally got me and nearly everyone else trapped and stressed out. You can’t do anything without it. We’re so reliant on something so stupid and meaningless.

 

I mean at this point we owe so much in medical bills it’s not even possible to pay it off in two or three generations. Unless we stopped paying to live daily and put Dereks entire yearly salary towards it for a couple years. It blows my mind… after insurance, it would still take multiple life times to pay it back, that’s how much money the medical system gets from ONE cancer patient. Their business IS cancer. Keep us sick so we owe monthly payments to them as if it’s our rent/mortgage. They have money rent from us because we’re constantly kept sick. Instead of treating the cause which is nearly always diet and exercise related, they throw pills at your symptoms. Because nobody wants to change, life is just too convenient for change. Change requires effort and who wants to put effort into anything?

 

Even if it meant more time, change is hard. Change is especially hard when you’re in the sickness. So start before it happens.

 

I constantly look at the people in my life and wonder why they don’t look at me and my situation and think “hmm…. I definitely don’t want to go through that. Maybe I should start making some positive lifestyle changes.” Im already paving the way in this shit storm, so for once in your life, don’t learn the hard way. Im doing that for you. Some of you I see making changes and thank God, good for you I’m so proud of you!!!! Others, I just can’t  understand it. If you love me, and you love yourself, you’ll give yourself the gift of time by treating your body right. Mind, body, and soul. They all need you to put some effort into yourself.

 

In my own personal experience, cancer has not been a battle. In the beginning, it seemed so, but as I went along I realized, it’s a journey of self discovery. It’s learning to love myself, inside and out. That includes cancer. I cannot fully love myself if I do not love cancer, too.

 

I assure you I wouldn’t be this person I am today without it. I’d like still be a grumpy, anxious, uptight, overly stressed out woman without it. Now, I genuinely laugh and smile, I embrace others more often, I put myself out there again even if most people might be embarrassed, and I’m taking advantage of my time. I live with purpose. Each day is becoming more and more meaningful. I’m doing things to better my health and despite cancer, I’m more energetic and overall feeling feel better than I have since I was 25.

 

As silly as that sounds, “despite cancer I feel good…” but people always assume cancer is about pain, anguish, frailty, and weakness. People often ask me, “how ARE you” when they want to ask that with underlying emphasis on cancer specifically. And I say, “I’m good. I’m really good.” And most people give me a curious, “oh?” I suppose they’re surprised because of how they think cancer should be. As all of you are well aware, I have my dark days. But that’s not all of what cancer is. Most of it is or can be surprisingly beautiful. I see and feel things deeper than most. I appreciate the small (and big) things a lot more. I take nothing for granted. I’m learning to respect and love myself. I’m valuing my time and spending it more wisely.

 

That’s something most people unfortunately don’t do. Yes, I’m saddened it took this to wake me up but I’m awake nonetheless now so I assure you, I really am good.

 

Please, do some exercising this week. No, not running (unless you want to)… but ask yourself, what would I do if tomorrow was my last day? Then start your journey towards it (or do it), no excuses. If you want it bad enough you’ll find a way.

 

No better time than the present. ;)