Surreal

 It’s been so strange. I truly feel like I’m being lied to. I feel 95% GREAT! I haven’t had this much energy in years. The other day I slept amazing and was ready to get up at 4 am. Today was up and out the door for my walk before 7 am.

Last time it made complete sense. I felt sick for so long. I keep waiting to feel icky, exhausted, and just had issues…. It was a shock hearing I had cancer but almost a relief, too. Finally, I had an answer and I was most definitely NOT crazy. I know my body. I knew something was wrong.

 

This time it’s so different. Overall, I feel healthy. What I assume most people feel like. I am getting good sleep, able to use the bathroom like a normal person, have plenty of energy to get me through a day, and mostly, mentally I feel good. So, how can this be?

 

Once again, I should have trusted my body. When I was going in for the scan, my body was so anxiety ridden. I was tense and nervous. The first scan, the clear one, my body was fine but my head wasn’t. So, it’s continuously proving to me that our bodies know way more and pick up way more than our minds do. Instinct is real. It is for everything on this planet so why wouldn’t it be for us, too? At our core, we’re still essentially animals.

 

Once again, I’m riding the “I got this,” “I don’t got this” roller coaster. Most of the time I feel like this isn’t a big deal. Most likely because I feel well. But of course, there are days I’m just plagued by darkness.

 

I hate how one negative thought can turn into an hours long stupor of anger, hate, sadness, bitterness, and self loathing. The “what if’s” and “regrets.”

 

Like I’ve said before, the downs are so low but the goods are so high. When I’m good I feel almost powerful, like this is all some major plan for me to soar. I think yo myself, “wow, if I can heal myself without traditional medicine, what good I could do for others! I could be a major inspiration to those in similar circumstances.” That gives me extreme hope, positivity, and will to push forward. I’d give anything to be a pioneer and put fear aside to do this so that I might be able to one help others in my shoes.

 

Succeeding could mean everything. Failing could mean everything. But very different “everything’s.”

 

I remember when I was in my early 20s I had a conversation about “what would you do if you had cancer” and I remember so naïve and saying,”meh, whatever, I’ll do it naturally or just let nature take its course.”

 

Now looking back at the absolute terror of my original diagnosis and all the poisons and pain I put my body through to just live. I made those choices from fear. Nothing can prepare for those words, “it’s cancer.” Nothing. It’s so easy to think you’d do this or that but until you’re faced with it, you just don’t understand.

 

I consider myself a strong woman. I’ve been through a lot in my life. But, not much shocks a person like this does. Now, I’ve done all the traditional treatments, and here we are again. Obviously, those treatments didn’t truly work for me or we wouldn't be going through this another time.

 

There has to be some this else. I’ve talked with some pretty amazing people. People who have healed themselves naturally but it’s a lot of work. Barely enough time in the day to accomplish it all and with a family? Forget it. Making significant lifestyles changes are extremely hard especially when you’re going it alone.

 

Being invited places where there’s no healthy food options sucks. Listening to people talk about how hard it is to accomplish something small and essentially meaningless while you’re quite literally dying inside, sucks. No, it’s not their fault they’re oblivious or don’t think about it because it’s not their problem but it doesn’t make it suck any less.

 

I apologize if I become more inclusive but right now I’m learning. Learning new lifestyles, eating habits, and focusing on me. Just like with quitting smoking, it was too hard and too tempting to be around smokers at first. It takes time and distance. And if you’re not out to help me or be mindful around me (again, not your job) then I need to distance from you until I’m capable.

 

Even my own immediate family had to be told “I can’t be around this” as they ate candy and steaks while I had a plate of veggies. I’m just strong enough yet for all this. I know I can do it, I’ve done it before. I juiced veggies and had zero solid food for 22 days straight once all while working and cooking for my family. After a while you just adapt to it, but the beginning is tough. So for now I need the space.

 

Still in disbelief. I mean I saw the scans, some of you saw the scans, there’s no mistake, but I’d never guess based on how I feel. The only thing as of late is I can tell there’s something in my glute. My butt cheek feels tense and occasionally I get a sharp sting deep in there. If I push, I can find the lump in there. It feels hard which seems strange since the first time around that thing was massive and you couldn’t see or feel it at all until after radiation because it died and became hard. So why?

 

I hope that’s a good sign. I’ve been doing so much research my head could explode. There are countless things people try or have succeeded in in treating their cancer. But, like chemo, not all the same chemos help the same cancers. So it’s finding what works for you. What can I find that works for me? I’m on the prowl.

 

Anyways, those of you who have shared my gofundme, donated, prayed, are attending the silent auction/karaoke party, thank you. My family and friends thank you. It means more than you know. It’s been overwhelming seeing the people come out of the woodwork to help us. I can’t stop thinking that because I loved certain people so much, they love me so much that their loved ones without question are helping. It’s a surreal but amazing thing.