Humbled

So I had to take some of my own advice last night/today. Why did I get so offended/upset by that persons comments to me about my journal?

I sat with it and reflected and all of a sudden a boat load of emotions came out. And here’s what I thought and felt… (just a heads up this is HOW I FEEL, that does not mean what I’m about to say is accurate, it’s just how I am perceiving the situation).

 

So, after 15 years my dad randomly shows up to a family reunion. I couldn’t be there as I had plans with my mom and daughter. I heard the reunion was good, people were naturally shocked to see him there.

 

Part of me, mainly the part for my grandparents is happy. The other part, the part I’ve been trying to deny in myself is angry and hurt.

 

I’ve forgiven my dad. I’ve moved on and wish him well in life and I’m glad he’s finding his way back to his family. But, the part that eats me up inside is knowing everyone just allowed him back in without a word.

 

No one said anything after 15 years. I assume for fear he will get pissed and leave again. No one said anything on behalf of my brother/myself, or their (my aunt/uncles) behalf. Not even a “hey, we’re glad you’re here but that was a real shitty thing to do.”

 

Now I understand it was not the time/place to say anything to him. But because no one did say anything at all, it FEELS like a choice was made. It FEELS like they’d rather spend their energy kissing ass to someone who chose to abandon them over two kids (we’re obviously grown now) who have always been here. It doesn’t feel fair or right.

 

And the part that really hurt me, was that my aunt could said rude things to me because of what I wrote but couldn’t speak up to her own brother who hurt so many people. So, I’ve realized I’m holding on to this offense. This is not who I want to be or what I want to do.

 

Part of this post is acknowledging my issue, why it’s an issue, and hoping to find a solution. Im not writing this for sympathy or pity. Just me realizing what my issue is and talking about it.

 

As I said before, it’s ok for everyone to have their own paths. They don’t owe me anything and I understand why they’d decide to not speak up. Most likely they don’t want him to run away again and it was not an appropriate setting. So why does it hurt?

 

I think part of me wants their loyalty. Part of me had expectations. And when I FEEL I have neither, it’s a stab to the heart. Im disappointed.

 

Because her comments seem as though she doesn’t give a shit about my/my brothers thoughts/feelings, only her own and my dads. As long as she gets him back in her life it’s ok if she “loses” my brother and I. Im sure that’s not actually the case. Her expectations are probably completely different. Her expectations is probably having the entire family together again with it being water under the bridge.

 

But as I said before, forgiveness does not mean leading yourself back to the hand that hurt you. Some people are willing to do that. Im slowly learning self respect and I’m not willing to that. Does that mean I’ll never have a relationship with the people that hurt me again? No, it means that there has to be open communication, effort/work, and time to see if organically things can evolve into more. Im not willing to jump head first into something that may just lead to more manipulation and pain.

 

I didn’t even realize any of this until I talked to Megan, my holistic gal last night. She said, “Toni, you’re offended. Deeply offended.” And she’s right, I am. But I’m offended without all of the information. I wasn’t seeing beyond my own expectations. I have no clue how the rest of the family feels about the situation. Or why they are proceeding the way they are.

 

Maybe they do want to say something. Maybe they don’t because it’s a mute point to them. It was MY reaction to get offended. I have control over my emotions and reactions so I need to put energy into correcting this reaction.

 

Megan brought up a lot of good points and really humbled me last night. I needed her help me realize my error in this situation. I definitely have some soul searching to in regards to this life situation.

 

Any suggestions? How do you handle feeling offended?