Ego

I laid in bed for a while today. I just don't have the energy right now or the mental clarity, yet, since I didn’t get good news on Friday. I know this week will be so hard. Lots of decisions and things to think (feel) about. It almost feels like no decision is right, right now. So, for now, I'm resting. I know I will have to rise to the challenge this week whether I like it or not. 

 

Anyway, as I lie there, thinking. I saw this sign that my friend made for me. It has pictures of all my other friends (and her as well) on it holding a little cut-out version of me. And at the very bottom is a quote from FRIENDS (the tv show). It says, "But now I'm standing here today, knowing that I have everything that I'm ever gonna need. You are my family." It's hanging above my bedroom door so that I can see it every day. But today, I REALLY saw it. Those faces, smiling, holding a silly paper cut-out of me that my friends took everywhere with them while I was in LA for surgery. Everything I'm ever gonna need. It seems so simple but it lead me to realizing, I DO have everything I'm ever gonna need. 

 

I have the best husband, two amazingly unique children, the best and most supportive friends, a supportive, awesome mom, and together that makes the most amazing thing. A family. I'm never alone if I don't want to be. 

 

Then that lead to deeper thoughts. About how much I take for granted daily. Even now. Don't get me wrong, I've put A LOT of work into myself and I cherish a hellavuh lot more than I use to, but still, sometimes I don't see what's right in front of my damn face. I started thinking about my ego and how a lot of times, even without prompting, I'll add my two cents to someone about THEIR life. 

 

I have no idea what makes them or their life work and who am I to say this or that if how to make it better. It’s one thing if they ask but for me to just blurt out, hey you should do this or that to fix the isssues, insinuates that first off, I’m right (which in reality right and wrong is based on perspective to start with) and two, that I know what THEY need for THEIR life. 

 

Well, news flash to self, I don’t know those things and I am not right. Excuse the fuck out of my ego but how dare I?!

 

To those of you, my one best friend in particular, I’m sorry. I see looking back how often I do that to you and I will work on that. You don’t need me or anyone else for that matter barking up the tree you water and tend to. The rest of the world does not.

 

Life is not about right or wrong. It’s about discovering our true selves and following our own path whatever that may look like. 

 

I want you all to know, I don’t know shit. About anything, haha. I’m just going through life the same as everyone else. Still figuring out my own chaos. 

 

But, I’ve spent a lot of time with myself. Re-getting to know myself. Here’s what I do know… I’m very self aware, sometimes too much so. I’m a mom who’s just going through the motions of parenting like any other mom. I love to laugh. I love to be gross sometimes! Because it makes me laugh. I love to craft, anything. I’m creative and think outside the box. I am strong and powerful. I’ve also learned what makes me strong isn’t how many surgeries I can take, how much I can force myself to bury hard feelings without shedding a tear, or how tough I think I am when I’m upset. No, what makes me strong is my ability to process emotions. How I can put my wants/needs aside for someone else who has a bigger need. And my ability to understand and empathize with other people. That’s what makes me strong. 

 

I, like everyone else, has weaknesses and vulnerability that still needs so much work (and I am working on them). I hold onto grudges forever.  There’s a difference between no longer having a relationship with someone who takes from you but it’s another to be bitter towards them for it. I’m easily offended if people are rude/do rude things without talking to me about it. It’s not their job to reaping or react in a way I want. That again implies I have control in some way over the other person. Sometimes I assume my urgency for things means it should be urgent for others around me. This is not the case and has big for me lately as I’m realizing other peoples urgency is not mine. 

 

Ego is the culprit for a lot of the issues I’m struggling with right now. I’m just as guilty of these things I bitch about others doing but my ego tells me I’m in the right when that’s not case. I’m making decisions based on what’s right for my life. Others are making decisions based on what’s right for their lives. 

 

Life is literally one big game of emotional volleyball. Actions/reactions. Or if you sit with a situation long enough, a response rather than a reaction. Which is what I am striving to do in my life. I react far too often when I should be waiting, thinking, and delivering a response so I don’t just give emotion back. Otherwise chaos can ensue unnecessarily in life. 

 

I love when I make a thought click and realize things. For me, it truly is euphoric. I hope I can fully shed this ego and evolve into my higher self.