Double Feature

 This post is a little different: There are two posts... the first was after some time to calm down and I call it my RESPONSE. The second one was one I wrote immediately after the drama, so therefore it was my REACTION. I'm showing these so you can see how I went from one very angry, hurt writing to a much calmer, rational writing. This is to show how a REACTION is much different than a RESPONSE to something or someone. 

PART 1:

Someone said to me that my last post was family bashing and full of self pity. If you perceived it that way, you obviously do not know me very well as that was not the intent of the post.

 

The intent was two fold. One, as I’m on this journey I’m realizing my past traumas and am trying to over come them. So I write about them and share them all with you. Im on a journey of self discovery and when I realize or feel certain things I write them down.

 

Two, I brought it up because someone asked me directly “I don’t see any of your family here?” And another separate person asked Derek about our families, too. It was uncomfortable to say the least. However, until it was pointed out to me I hadn’t noticed because the people who WERE there are the people I have chosen as family. And the few blood relatives I do have semi regular contact with had let me know they couldn’t be there and I completely understood. That’s life. But they also help, talk to me, etc outside of Facebook.

 

So my point to the last post was to say, “hey, it’s ok to not have a “normal” family.” Because in reality, I don’t. I was attempting to look on the bright side of the situation not bash those who weren’t there and/or usually aren’t. They have their own paths in life and I respect that.

 

We owe each other nothing and shouldn’t be upset about it. We all have our reasons for what we do and don’t do. If we want someone in our life we will make it so, and if not we won’t. I’m just as guilty of not putting effort into certain people. Because we’ve never really had a real relationship. So why now would that change? It wouldn’t.

 

I don’t expect people to physically “be there” for me all the time. A message/call/text/visit etc once or twice a year is great, I appreciate even the little things because sometimes that’s all we can give. Life is a rat race and there aren’t always enough hours in the day.

 

I get it. I really do. But I promise that was not my intention for my last post. My life and past traumas are literally here for you all to see. I want to share my journey with you. If you feel offended or guilty by what I write in my journals maybe instead of getting angry, ask yourself why you feel that way?

 

Or, you are more than welcome to leave my page. I completely understand and will not be offended. I’m not holding you here. But, this IS my journey and my growth. I have a lot to do and a long ways to go but this is where I choose to express myself and will continue to do so.

 

You’re right though, I do need to learn more forgiveness. However, forgiveness is moving on in peace and love. It is NOT allowing same past traumas, patterns, or people back into my life.

 

I have a great many things to say to you about forgiveness but fb is not the place. I am still working on forgiveness. I’ve forgiven some people for my own well being. But I won’t be continuing to have relationships will those that chose to hurt me. Intent is significant to me in my decision to forgive and/or  move forward. Likely, I’ll forgive either way to release the hurt I feel but depending on the intent is whether or not I’ll move forward in relationships with whoever.

 

You can think that’s stupid, selfish, etc but for my own healing that’s how I’m choosing to proceed in life at this time.

 

Anyway, for those of you who are offended by what I write, again, you’re more than welcome to leave. But I hope you look at these with some internal reflection. Just as I and anyone else has to do when faced with hard truths.

 

Eating crow is not fun, but it’s a part of life. I do it all the time because communication is not so cut and dry. I could say something with love but the recipient could take it and perceive it as something hurtful. And vice versa.

 

Alright, anyway. That’s all for today.

PART 2:

 You said a pity party wont help my situation and that I need to stop "ditzing family" and "learn forgiveness" well my last post wasn’t intended to be a family bashing pity party. I'm sorry you took it that way, however, this one will be a pity party post.

 

I've spent 15 fucking years learning forgiveness towards my father. For my own well being. Forgiveness DOES NOT mean that I'm about to subject myself to the petty, selfish, bullshit ways of said person(s) again. It means I acknowledge and let go of our differences and forking paths in life. You have what is important to you and I have what is important to me.

 

You know what I realized after your comments? You're right. I haven't forgiven. Not you, anyway. I haven't forgiven any of you that condoned the behavior of my father and stepmother. At the time, some of you were unaware of what was happening. Eventually though, it all came to light and you didn't give a single fuck. Not about me, or my siblings, who were fucking children and treated like garbage then tossed out like yesterdays trash. You didn't even try to help, see how we felt, be there for us, and worse yet, you didn't say A GOD DAMN WORD to your own brother who eventually threw you away, too. That's you're choice and like I said in my last post, if you WANT to do something, you will.

 

Just like at the reunion last weekend, you all got your wish. He showed up! Unannounced after 15 years and what did you do? Absolutely nothing. You all acted like it was fine, didn't stand up for yourselves, for us, or said ANYTHING because you're too fucking scared he'll run away again. Oh boo hoo. Fuck you.

 

No, we didn't have the worst lives/childhoods. Obviously, we survived and made lives for ourselves, and our past is our past. But you're not helping in anyway but just allowing this to happen without saying anything in yours or our defense. You wanted him back, you got it. You got the only thing you fucking wanted. What the fuck do you or have you ever cared about us? You'd have made it known by now if you cared. You put more energy into trying to get someone back into your life who didn't want you than putting any energy into children who more or less needed you. But you didn't care and I bet you didn't even think about us. We weren't and aren't your responsibility, right? Now we're grown up and don't need you because we learned to live without anyone's help and wonder why we might be a bit salty about the whole situation.

 

If my last post made you feel guilty then maybe instead ask yourself WHY? I know exactly which blood relatives care because they make it known, in and outside of facebook. I admitted I'm no better with you. I don't put effort into you either because you know what, I haven't forgiven you. You owe me nothing and I owe you nothing. Neither of us should feel upset about it in reality. Like I said, I have my made family and you have yours so lets just stop fucking pretending. Right now, our paths are so far from one another's. Will they always be? Who knows? Maybe they'll cross one day, maybe they won't.

 

That would take effort. And right now, I'm only putting effort into those who put effort into me. Call me selfish if you wish but I'd rather conserve the energy I do have for those who are deserving.

 

Next time you want to get butthurt about my post, maybe ask yourself why what I said fucking bothers you for starters, and then fucking leave my page. This is my page and you are MORE THAN WELCOME to fuck right out of it.

 

Forgiveness doesn't happen over night. Like I said, 15 years its taken to forgive my dad. I have no ill will towards him. I understand the how, the why, the what, but you know what that doesn't mean? That it's all ok, what happened. I still said my peace to him, civilly, because I'm not scared to say what I think to him. If he leaves again, oh well, that's his choice, his life. I've survived just fine without him and I DO have people who love me. I didn't zip my mouth shut like a fucking little bitch with her tail between her legs because he might leave again if I don't walk on egg shells.

 

I find it really funny (please sense my sarcasm) that you can spout bullshit to me just fine but can't open your fucking mouth to your brother. You know why that is? Because you could give a shit less what I think or what I feel/have felt. But you care about his. That was a point I brought up in my last post. It's far more important to you to have him back in your life than it was or will ever be to have me in yours.

 

That is YOUR CHOICE. I'm acknowledging your choice and respecting it. 

 

I'll work on the forgiveness. You can work on perspective.