Saddle Up

Nothing can prepare you for this. It hurts almost as much the second time around. Like a scab you decide to rip off. Still hurts, still stings, and bleeds, but there’s a toughness to it.

At least when I got the news this time I wasn’t alone. Derek was sitting in the computer room with me when my oncologist called and gave me the news. He’s not taking it well. He cried this time around and threw something.

 

Celia was down the street. I messaged Ellie to tell her the news and have Celia come home. As soon as she walked into the room I broke down and hugged her so tight. I told her how much I loved her. She asked why I was crying and I had to tell her “mommy’s going to have to fight some more.” She collapsed into my embrace and yelled “no!” She cried on my shoulder and I scooped her up tight on the bed with me and cuddled her. I just cried “I’m so sorry” over and over again.  She told me it’s not my fault and it’d be ok.

 

Derek laid down with us and held us and the three of us cried together. Connor is with James so I assume he doesn’t know just yet. Telling your children is the hardest hit…

 

I’ve said it before and it’s still true now… I’m not afraid to die. I believe my energy will go back into the world as it’s meant to and I’ll still be with my family even if they can’t see me. But, the thought of being without my family is soul crushing.

 

Listening to your husband sob and say, “I don’t want you to go” is not something anyone or anything can prepare you for.

 

We talked about options. Though we don’t know them all yet… Dr Okuno mentioned more chemo, radiation, surgery. He said he’s looking into some new trials. We should know more next week when I meet with my oncologist.

 

Dr Okuno said “I think we have some time” (whatever that means) to make a decision. I thought maybe with my “time” that I take a month to do solely holistic approaches to see if that helps or not. Then, if not, we look into other options.

 

I know some of you might not like that idea but you’re not on my side of the fence. I’ve watched people fade away on chemo or western medicine approaches and they aren’t living until the die; they’re dying just trying to live. I do not want that for me. I would like to think I still have a shot to beat the beast but if it’s my time, I’d like to go out with some dignity.

 

So, please, know that the decisions I make going forward are my own and I’m trying to make them out of experience/research/what I feel is best. It is NOT easy. No choice I make going forward is ideal because ideal would be no cancer on my scan. But, that’s not the hand I was dealt. Now that’s it metastasized and I’m officially a stage 4 cancer patient I have a lot to lose but possibly everything to gain.

 

I’m not bitter, I’m sad and scared for the future as there may not be much of one going forward. I truly believe that I chose this path here on earth. Why? I have no idea because life has sure dealt me some lemons. I hope my soul is learning all it wished to because this is the hardest ride I’ve had during this rodeo.

 

Well, I’ve done enough crying. Time to saddle up and go again.

 

Just another reminder, please don’t waste your life. Treat your body right, don’t waste time with people who don’t deserve you or take you for granted. Give more than you receive and most importantly, LOVE.