Pendulum

This life is like a pendulum. Swinging swiftly back and forth, constantly in motion.

I’ve been literally learning and living my best life these last three months. I’ve felt so happy, confident, and overall healthy. I haven’t been this carefree in YEARS. Close to six years. I feel like the pre-anxiety, super independent, genuine Toni I use to know and love with a lot more wisdom. She’s not 100% back there but boy, is she close.

 

Now, scans are tomorrow and my body knows it. My brain keeps saying “girl, you’re good, chill out.” My body though is acting out. I’m not sleeping, tossing and turning. My muscles are tense. And apparently, now I have allergies all of a sudden? Since when?

 

I’m on the negative end of the pendulums swing. It’s ridiculous how easy it is to slip. Don’t step just right and you’re falling down, down, down.

 

I wish my body and my brain were on the same page. It’s pretty crazy how your body remembers trauma so when the possibility of trauma is near again, it just reacts.

 

Last time, I never dreamed I’d get good results and I did. This time, I feel like I know I’m ok again, but my body is like, “brace yourself, they could tell you you’re near death again.” Is this forever? Will it ever get better, easier? Is my body the one who knows the truth?

 

My results appointment isn’t until the 14th next week. Will I have to wait until then to know? Will they message results through the patient portal like last time? If not, does that automatically mean bad news? If I get good results, do I get my port taken out? I hate it. But, after insurance, that’s roughly $9,000 to have it pulled out. Do I want to deal with another bill?

 

Derek and I talked a bit last night. I told him how it sucks that every three months I have to feel this way. We talked about the possibility of not doing the scans anymore and going in if I have symptoms again. We talked about getting the port out whether or not the results were good or bad because I never want to do chemo again. But, would I ever change my mind after hearing bad news? So many thoughts. So many decisions.

 

Cancer fucks with your mind. The good days are oh so good; you actually see the world so differently from other people, it’s an amazing gift. But, the bad days are awful. The spiral into darkness when your mind decides to talk a hiatus. Or, like me right now, my brain isn’t fully in the gutter but I can’t stop the physical symptoms. It sounds crazy, I know.

 

I want to walk in there tomorrow confident, hopeful, and KNOW I’m good. But to “know” they have to scan even though I want to run in the opposite direction. I made the appointment as far out as they’d let me so I could live as much as possible without having to feel this way.

 

All the signs I’ve had lately tell me I’m fine, more than fine actually, that I’m a thriving survivor. I see the signs and most days I know I’m good. I haven’t enjoyed life in my own skin like this in so long, but one stupid appointment and I’m here, buzzing with nerves. So frustrating.

 

All I can do is pray until the pendulum swings back into the positive.