Headspace

I’m trying so hard to process and get into the headspace I need to keep going. My brain is buzzing with emotions… it’s been back and forth on that pendulum all weekend.

One minute I’m thinking, “girl this so much smaller and more manageable now” then the next minute I’m scream crying and wondering “how much more can we take?”

 

I’m upset and annoyed with myself. I know I have the ability and tools to better my situation. I was doing so good with my eating, my no alcohol, the things I feel I need to do to help even if it’s just a fraction of the whole picture. But, then I get “oh you’re going to be “one of those” people” or “oh now you’re never drinking again?” Peer pressure is real. Almost  nothing is set up in our society to help people eat and drink right but then to listen to people say shit like that when you’re just trying to live your life? It’s fucked up. It’s hard enough trying to do “the right thing” on your own but then to listen to the snide comments is really disheartening.

 

Maybe once you get cancer and are fucking CLAWING your way back to life after dragging yourself on the floor from asking God “why you” then you’ll shut the fuck up and let me live my life without your fucking comments.

 

I was trying my absolute best to not disrupt your life with my new eating habits that I stopped completely. That’s my fault and I guess I’ll have to get a thick skin towards the people who feel the need to made their comments.

 

Fuck. Through trying to process I’m playing the blame game as you can see. Me, you, doctors, life. I’m just so tired. And I feel so blindsided. My original diagnosis made sense. I FELT sick. Had felt sick for years. This time, minus minor pain which I chalked up to surgery stuff still, I felt great.

 

My kids do not deserve this. They deserve to be kids. Please love, hug, and appreciate your babies… mine are being forced to grow up far too quickly. See the ugly in the world far too young.

 

People made comments about me homeschooling too. Glad I did because here we are again. Next time, keep your mouth shut, because once again YOU'RE NOT LIVING THIS LIFE and have zero fucking clue what it’s like for me or my immediate family. I’m the one whose spent hours, days, months researching my cancer and it’s tendencies but please tell me again how I’m “done with cancer and should put them back in school” or I’m being “too negative.” No I’m being as realistic as I can while still trying to be positive… why don’t you walk that line while you’re healthy and tell me how it goes. Most people can’t even do that without illness or handicaps. So fuck you. Why not encourage me instead? Is that so hard?

 

I’m just going to apologize now and say I’m sorry for my future responses because I’m not going to be nice towards your comments anymore. You get to spout your snide comments about me trying to better my life and I sit and hear it with little or no response. Not anymore.

 

Friday I wasn’t bitter but scared and sad. Today I’m fucking bitter. I try so hard, so hard…. To be a decent human being. To do the “right” thing, to be there for others… some of them very clearly taking advantage of that. I know a couple in particular who are reading this right now have, do, and will. You’re the next ones that need to go from my life.

 

My circle of trusted, good friends/family is getting smaller but they’re the only ones who seem to genuine, honest, and have really stepped up. I need that now more than ever. My family needs that. I’m not the only one who sees it, Derek broke down about a week ago and asked “why don’t people care about us?” Most people only care about themselves. But every now and again, we find or meet someone new who has been just as let down in life but that wants to be a part of something better, bigger… to have good people you need to be good people but you’d be surprised how many people have no issues just taking from you. Derek said, “we have all these people in our life and around us, and who actually checks in? Who responds to our texts/calls? Why are they here if they don’t actually care?” I don’t know. So call me crazy but it’s obvious. Even if we don’t say it to you, we see it.

 

Then there’s the flip side. We see the people who try, we see the ones who step up when times get tough. Instead of just talking the talk. And God, are we soooo grateful for you. For your TIME, your ACTIONS, your WORDS, THOUGHTS, PRAYERS, and good DEEDS. My family deserves to have people walk the walk for them. They’ve been through enough. Dereks at his breaking point and I am powerless to it. Him trying to juggle work while also trying to spend as much time with me as possible because he’s scared to lose me is pulling him apart.

 

Work seems pointless when you’re worried about time but fuck we still need to live and the only way to that is with money. He’s burnt out.

 

The kids are resilient, thankfully. But they just don’t deserve this. Not now at these important ages in their life. Connor still doesn’t know and I’m dreading telling him. He’s been with James over the weekend and I don’t want James to tell him. It’s my cross to bare but Connor should be worrying about so much less. Celia shouldn’t be thinking about this at all but here we are.

 

Ugh, I need sleep. My face is plugged from crying/allergies. Sleep is so sparse between my emotions and stuffiness. Cherish your sleep. Cherish your health. Cherish those good people who ACT instead of those who just apologize for never being around. Those good people are hard to come by.

 

Well, this got more angry than I intended but it’s part of the rollercoaster ride. Clearly not in the right headspace today.