Old Habits Die Hard

I caught myself getting anxious and doing an old bad habit the other day. When my anxiety was at its worst, I couldn’t read a book straight through. I’d panic and read the ending to calm down, or while watching a movie, I’d look up the ending online. 

Last weekend I watched a movie I hadn’t seen before even though it was an older movie. I started feeling anxious and looked up the ending and my nerves went away immediately. Soon after, I realized what I had done and had to reflect. 

I’m constantly making changes when I see something in myself that I feel is negative. This was one of those things early on in my process. I realized if I stopped watching certain things, I wouldn’t get anxious. I started to watch different kinds of shows/movies, and eventually I pretty much stopped watching anything all together. It’s a rare occasion now that our tv is on at all. 

I’m choosing to fill my time with more reading or more projects. And just going to bed earlier. For years I was a night owl. I still naturally prefer it but when my anxiety developed I just couldn’t fall asleep no matter what I did. 

I’d have racing thoughts that wouldn’t quit. I’d literally recall every second to second time of my day or a situation I had or even the plans for the next day. It consumed my mind, all day and night. I remember asking Derek on many occasions, “ what are you thinking?” And his reply was usually “nothing.” On one occasion I was so frustrated with that answer that I demanded he tell me what he means by nothing. He said I’m just not thinking at all right now, just relaxing. 

“So, you’re saying there’s not one thought going on in your head? How is that possible?” 

“Nope and I don’t know. Just not thinking right now.”

This blew my mind. I couldn’t for the life of me comprehend how a mind could be thoughtless for any period of time. My inner monologue never seemed to silence itself. She was always “what if-ing” or chattering about the days events or the next days or belittling me. 

I see how easy it is to slip back into old habits. It’s like any skill you have. Muscle memory kicks in and boom you’re right back where you were. The bad habits you create can easily sneak up on you if you’re running on autopilot.

As stupid as it is, my biggest cause for anxiety right now (even though I’ve worked through a lot of my anxiety issues) is my phone and finding my boundaries. I hate having a phone. In my life, I can’t speak for others, it’s a constant reminder of the bad in the world. Every time it rings/beeps, I’m like Pavlov’s dog, alerting to the sound. That pisses me off. I hate that I’m trained to respond to it. I typically keep it on silent for that reason. Plus, I feel it enables me to be less present in my own life. Yes, there are obvious good qualities about a cell phone but for someone like me, who has anxious tendencies already, it’s a nightmare sometimes.

My boundaries are another story. I’m not always entirely sure what I need therefore when I try to ask for or put out a boundary it’s kind of all over the place. Some people in my life may think these boundaries are to keep them out/away, and in all honesty, for some people that’s true but for most people, these boundaries are for me. To keep me in line, to keep myself in check. I have goals and things I’m trying to achieve and I can’t always trust myself to follow through on them when in the moment I’d rather do other things. I’m trying to hold myself accountable. Because I deserve that. I can’t flake on myself and my goals all the time. I’ll never get anywhere otherwise. 

I’m in a weird transitional state I think right now. I’m happy I’m meeting some of my goals, I’m proud of myself for that. I think I’ve made a lot of progress in life but it’s also close to my next scan so I’m starting to get worked up. I can feel it in my entire body. Using my phone as a zoning out/distraction from life tool, my muscles stiff, more chaotic thoughts, counting my fingertips. Oh, that’s another fun nervous tick I have, rapidly counting my fingertips when I’m lost in anxious thought. 

Scans again. It seems like so long ago/not long ago all at the same time. I’ve done a lot of things in three months. It’s felt great, it’s felt “normal.” Just living life day to day, keeping very busy. I just don’t want life to come to a screeching halt again. I don’t think my family can take it. I don’t think I can take it. 

There are places within myself I never want to go back to. Isolation on top of severe illness really fucks with the mind. Takes you on scary joyride you didn’t ask to be apart of. 

I don’t want to think that way. Controlling the mind I feel is much easier than controlling the body. What I mean by that, is I can stop my negative thoughts but stopping the physical reactions from them is harder. They tend to linger. I have to consciously think about each piece of me that’s physically reacting and essentially talk it down from the ledge. My shoulders are stiff/clenched, so I have to put my attention on them and think about them loosening up. Then move on to the next body part and by the time that’s done, my shoulders are tight again so I start over. Sometimes it’s not so bad and others it’s all day. Stop stiffening! You’re OK! I think this over and over. 

Breaking bad or old habits is not easy nor fun. But it’s worth it. The closer it gets to scan day, the more I’ll be able to practice what I preach. I do not want the old version of myself to take control. Regardless of the results, I want (I hope) the new, more level headed version of myself to be present. I can trust her to make the right decisions. She knows what the ultimate goal is and what I want in life. Anxious Toni is erratic and makes poor decisions out of bottled up nerves. We don’t want that. Anxious Toni is getting smaller by the day but I can imagine if the perfect storm of situations occurs then she could explode out of left field and fuck up a lot of stuff. I know she wouldn’t be here long but any amount of time is too much. 

It’s definitely hard to create new habits and positive thought patterns. The more good things I do (read, music, boundaries, set/achieve goals) the more I feel old anxious Toni falling to the wayside. If I keep up my good habits, the more I forget she exists. It’s been over a year since I started my positivity journey and I’m still so far from where I want to be but wow how far I’ve come. Pretty cool to see where I use to be so I know all this hard work is paying off. Just gotta keep on pushing forward and remind myself what’s important.

 Don’t let old habits kick back in. It’s  to slip or lose your way for a bit but don’t punish yourself further by giving up. One day you’ll thank yourself for your perseverance and the love you committed to yourself. Your friends and family aren’t the only ones who need/deserve your love and attention. Commit to yourself.