Break my Stride

 I titled it this for a few reasons. The first of which is the song “Break my Stride” by Matthew Wilder. It's my breakthrough song these days. What I mean by that is whenever I’m in need of a boost to remind me what I am capable of, that’s the song I put on. It instantly makes me go “bitch, you got this. Keep going.” Besides, it’s catchy and easy to dance to.

 

Another reason is I’ve been so busy (even pre covid/cancer me wasn’t this busy) but I made promises I intend to keep to people I very much care about who are no longer here. So, please don’t mistake this for a complaint. It’s semi-stressful for me because I’m not used to it but it also feels good.

 

There’s been so much chaos and also a lot of good and growth in my life as of late. I’ve said it many times but it’s true, I simply can’t unsee things now. Part of me wishes I was still oblivious but the majority of me is grateful. I see when I'm being treated poorly and putting my foot down. However, because it’s new for me to draw the invisible line in the sand, I can tell you my lines are shaky and uneven. I hope for both my air and those involved I can straighten the line out so it’s clear and distinct with no guesswork on where my lines are. For those of you putting up with my boundary-making, I partially apologize, I’m still finding out what I need. That part is not on you.

 

Most days, I feel very in tune with myself and who I’m looking forward to being. I also feel more in tune with the earth and what it means in my life. If you’d like to understand things not just from a philosophical standpoint (about the way I view the world) but a proven scientific one, I highly recommend watching the series, “Rewired with Dr. Joe Dispenza.” It’s incredible to have someone doing studies/trials on my beliefs by an actual medical doctor. You CAN help heal yourself. You just have to know the right tools.

 

Today is a big day for me. It may seem small to most of you but you’ve never walked in my shoes. I’m bringing my first batch of Zenzi’s (I got an LLC for a small business and almost have my craft shed finished) up to Embrace Therapeutics to sell items. Thank you so much to the owner and overall badass, Lindsey for letting me do that. Means a great deal to me. I also intend to get my Etsy page up and running by Sunday.

 

I decided to take the concept I wanted from “Secrets of a Sunflower” and do more with it. When I sat down and thought about what I actually wanted to do I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want sarcoma to dictate every aspect of my life. So instead of all sarcoma-related gifts/products I’m doing zen items. Jewelry, paintings, etc. but still plan to donate some profits to Rein in Sarcoma and will likely on occasion make sarcoma gifts/gear.

 

This is such a big deal to me for a few reasons. You see, old Toni has two very bad habits, well, three actually… I tend to bite off way more than I can chew, dive headfirst into an idea without actually thinking too much about then regret it, and anxiety would usually prevent me from actually following through. So, yes, today is a big day. My necklaces that I’m tumbling the stones for did not come out well so it’s a small start, just bracelets for now but I wanted to commit either way. If I let this necklace hiccup get in my way I’ll snowball. New Toni will not let that happen so I set a date to bring shit there and I’m going to do just that.

 

I’ve been trying to acknowledge myself differently but it makes me feel selfish. From what I’ve read about self-healing (mentally) this is a trauma response and I shouldn’t feel selfish, but I do. I’m trying hard to give myself a pat on the back for the smaller things I’ve done like the women’s health article, the CPU testimonial, the RIS event, and just my involvement in the sarcoma world. I’m trying to feel proud of myself rather than ignoring my accomplishments despite how small. This is proving to be more difficult than I thought. Anytime I start to feel proud of myself I am instantly hit with “how could you be so selfish” thoughts and I shut it down immediately. Then I ignore the fact I’ve even done them. I don’t want to do that, I want to feel good about what I’m doing and not feel like I’m coming off with an ego or boastful. This is where that song helps me. Push through. Keep going. Don’t let the darkness in you take away your accomplishments and your future goals! Nothing's gonna break my stride!

 

Now the next part I want to discuss is very sensitive and if anyone is uncomfortable with me talking about my sex life with my husband please turn around now, abort mission.

 

Derek and I have always had a decent sex life, different needs but it was always good. Sex during cancer is no joke. It brings up all kinds of emotions, physical feelings/limitations, discussions that are typically hard and uncomfortable. It was obviously much fewer and far between and as I’ve said before doctors' orders for a solid 9 months were none at all, it wasn’t safe with my immune system so low.

 

After cancer, I’m still dealing with pain around my body-pelvis, abs, butt, the area just about the vagina. Less and less each day but still it’s tender. You don’t come out of three major surgeries in one year without repercussions. While I can wear regular jeans now without much discomfort, pushing on any of those areas hurts. So needless to say, sex is tricky with just that but on top of that, my insides are radiated. For me now, sex feels like shards of glass inside. It’s awful. This is an area I don’t know if it will get better for me. I can only hope in the future it does.

 

This brings up all kinds of insecurities but Derek being Derek is the best. He never pressured me or makes me feel unloved. We make other things work but the reality of never having that bond with him again is sad. It makes me feel less womanly and like I’m incapable of something that I feel is important in a marriage. But as Derek says, sex is just sex, that’s only a sliver of what makes us US. And he’s right. Being in many bad relationships in the past has made that fact fuzzy for me so I’m grateful to have a wonderful partner who reminds me of it.

 

My next appointment is coming up soon, September 9th for follow-up blood work and scans to make sure Bertha is still dead and where she’s supposed to stay. I plan to ask if the sex part is something I’ll have to endure forever or if it’s something that can get better over time.

 

It seems crazy to me, time. September 9th will be three months from my last scans. It’s amazing how resilient humans are. I rarely think about cancer nowadays, not like I use to anyway. Before it was all day every day. Everything revolved around it and incorporated it. Now, most days, though I have physical limitations and discomfort, I think I’m fairly “normal.” Now I just have to find a new way to do things for myself at times as an aftermath of my past. At least that’s how I usually view it.

 

But those limitations won’t break my stride, life’s too short to dwell on what you can’t do. What CAN you do? What WILL you do? That’s my focus going forward. This year will be full of new things for our family. Mostly good, probably some “bad” as it’s new and hard. But I’m excited about it. I want to embrace the possibilities we are talking about and planning. Life is an adventure and we’re just along for the ride. Grab it by the horns and get going!

 

Well, I have goals to meet today so up and at 'em! I’m curious, what’s your breakthrough song?