Transitions

 So much has happened since I broke my laptop. A lot of generalized good, a little bad, a lot of in between. Vegas was chaotic. It was a great reminder why Derek and I went to Vegas alone in the first place. Not that it was bad but having high expectations of other people isn't realistic. I thought for certain after the year we've had that people would, for one day, maybe accommodate us a bit. Make sure we were the ones having fun and enjoying ourselves. In the end, it was a wakeup call to some of the facts I already knew but hadn't yet accepted. Boundaries. They're needed. I had to set some. Thus, I did.  

  

Boundaries that should have been set a while ago but hadn't because I wasn't ready to accept what that meant. That some people really aren't meant to be in my life. At least, not until they themselves do some soul searching. I am not use to setting boundaries. It's a very foreign feeling. It feels a little bit good and a lot a bit uncomfortable because it goes against what I've always done. Trying to mull it over to "people please" and just get it over with.  

  

But I have to respect myself, too. I don't want to be your doormat. I love helping people, sometimes too much and at the expense of myself. No more. There are people in my life who give just as much back to me as I give to them so I'm done wasting that energy on you.  

  

I'm learning to love myself and with that comes a realization that I shouldn't let certain things/people take from me. I'm in a strange transition period. I'm finding a lot of my self-worth that I somehow lost along the way in life. But I can't see the bad happening when it's me that's dealing with it. I can see it when it happens to someone else, but not when it's happening to me. People will tell me it's bad how/what so and so is doing but I can't see it unless I imagine someone else in my place. Then I can acknowledge it for what it is.  

  

It's been a rough week or so. I was feeling (at the time) for no reason anxious and unable to sleep. Whenever I get like that it seems like something big is coming, usually something bad. It's like my insides are jam-packed with adrenalin that just can't be released. Like that feeling when someone jumps out and scares you. Your heart races, for a split second you can't breathe because you gasp, everything in you is on high-alert. It feels like that but without stopping for a couple days.  

  

I woke up to a message that a member in my sarcoma support group had passed. We use to do video groups a couple times a month to check in with one another. There was usually about 6-8 of us in there. The only guy in our group usually, had passed from his battle with sarcoma. He lived in Boston and was in a Grateful Dead cover band.  

  

 

 

He was a very nice guy. I had privately messaged him a couple weeks ago as we hadn't done a video group in a while because I usually host them since I'm the admin of that FB group. Life has been busy so I hadn't been able to host a group session in a while. He seemed less peppy but as we all tend to do, said the almost obligatory "I'm ok" even though during those times we really are not ok. I didn't press too much.  

  

His wife had messaged the group to let us know about his passing. So many people in the sarcoma world have passed in such a short period of time. It's been so hard on my heart. It makes it hard to stay optimistic. Not only is there so much to grieve in the loss of these amazing people but it makes my mind travel to that dark place. The place where one bad thought leads to a spiraling decline into hell. It's hard to leave once you enter it.  

  

Derek stayed home from work that day to be with me. To try and keep my mind from going to that place. "Want to go lay in the grass and watch the sun come up with me?" He asked. Outside helps. Being connected with the earth helps. It makes me hopeful. It makes me realize how small I am and how amazing and mysterious the world and life in general is.  

  

So, we went outside at 5:30 in the morning and laid in the wet grass. Where our house is, it's hard to see the sunrise. Trees surround our house but the sky was beautiful. A perfect shade of blue. I teared up and told him how hard it is to be positive when it seems like no one lives through this. He reminded me that everyone else isn't me. He said, "I'm happy I chose you."  

  

How did I get so lucky? Someone who understands me and accepts me. Even my "weird." Which I personally don't see as weird, I see as open-minded.  

  

The more time I spend reading about the world and it's wonderous and vast capabilities, the stronger and more right with myself I feel. I think about how people came to be in this state that we're in. Spirituality isn't the norm. The earth and its offerings aren't valued. People who believe in themselves and are open to accepting the that earth and God can help you physically, mentally, emotionally, literally, and metaphorically are labeled "weird."  

  

 

 

 

It really wasn't so long ago that those people were looked up to and were leaders. I feel like we as a whole have fallen so off course. It kind of hurts thinking about that.  

  

One of my friends in Vegas said, "I worry at some point that your journey with spirituality will lead you to not wanting to be my friend anymore because I don't believe in God." I said, "No, I'll always value you for you, the only part that hurts me is that you've never in your life had that moment, that indescribable feeling of knowing there's more out there." That's kind of what I feel like for everyone, for society as a whole. It's unfortunate that some can't see and feel and know what I do. I suppose that could be said about anything or anyone's beliefs, not just mine.  

  

The last few weeks have made me look at the people in my life. Most of which I value dearly. Some it's obvious that there's no real genuine care for one another. Only the pretend obligation of well you and I know each other, worked together in the past, your family knows mine, or even we are blood related but literally have no interaction and there's no real effort on either side to participate in one another lives. So slowly, I'm ridding them from all aspects of my life. Starting with FB. I don't want to pretend I care about you anymore than you want to pretend to care about me.  

  

It's obvious who has actual concern for me and vice versa. I'm not blind to the two-lane road that is in front of me. I don't put effort into participating in your life any more than you put in to my life. So why keep pretending? This is not out of anger, I promise you. It's out of love and growth. One less thing to be bound to because social norms say that since we're blood or had some form of relationship years ago, we have to still care. So, if we haven't checked in or spoken or really even acknowledged one another in a decent length of time let's cut that cord. I'll even be the one to do it. So, if you notice we're not friends on FB anymore that’s why. Or when we're out and about and run into each other, know you don't have to come up to say hi out of feeling obligated. We both know a simple smile in acknowledging each other as human beings is enough. I won't be offended and you shouldn't be either. If you feel I haven't shown enough towards you, you're more than ok to remove me from your life as well. I know who cares about me. You know who cares about you. In a real meaningful way that is.  

  

I think there will be some big developments in our life soon. Plans are being sorted as to what we want to do with life. Where we want to go and how. I'm excited about what the future holds. It will take time but I think our possibilities are endless.  

  

 

 

 

There's always ups and downs but in the grand scheme I think things are good. It feels like major self-revelations are taking place within me, Derek, too. I'm so happy and grateful that we are growing individually and together as a couple. I love knowing life is progressing. Sometimes I think about how some people are happy to just live every day the same. Get up, go to work, come home, tv, sleep, repeat. I have never been satisfied with that. I have always wanted to learn more, see more, do more, change, grow… otherwise, in my mind, life would be so depressing. So, I'm continually thankful I found a husband who as that same internal drive to constantly want to attempt to better themselves. Sure, we fuck up, make wrong decisions, but at least we're trying. Always pushing for more. There is so much life can offer you if you're willing to look for it.  

  

Recently, I went to spend the day with Erich's wife and mother. They just get me. Linda, Erich's mother has an amazing ability to make you feel like the most important person in the room when she speaks to you. I love that about her. She's the most sincere and amazing woman. I love being able to talk with her about the world and love hearing her insights. His wife, Janet, is simply the best kind of person and I know why he loved her so. She's remarkable, deep, loving, and kind. I spent so many hours lost in conversation that Derek and my friends turned into blood hounds to find me to make sure I was ok. They knew where I was going but didn't realize I'd be there for 10 hours. It was one of the best days I've had in a long time. Sometimes you meet people you just know you meant to meet. Or maybe someone you feel you've known your whole life. There's something to that, I'm just not sure what.  

  

Tonight, I did the testimonial for CPU with Megan, my holistic practitioner. It was much harder than I expected. Talking to a blank camera/screen is not like talking to a person(s). I truly hope with some editing that it turns out well for her. I want everyone to know the information that she has to share.  

  

Saturday is the Rein in Sarcoma event with a silent auction and drive-in movie. I'm excited and saddened to go. Erich and I were supposed to go together. Janet and Linda will be there so I'm very happy for that. I'll be taking Erich with me in my urn necklace. Feels strange to be going to this event without him. My first one. I fully expected him to be here for it. I was supposed to help at the face painting station but they emailed and asked if I'd help at the coloring pages station which seems fitting since I made them, I suppose. They're supposed to have the page I made for Alexa out for kids to color. I had planned on getting pictures of the colored ones to send to Alexa's husband and daughter in Florida. Maybe this was God's way of saying, "here you go, get pictures for them." I'm supposed to be at that station, that's why it worked out this way. I know it.  

  

Funny how that worked out. I love when things like that happen. They just click and you know it's supposed to be that way. Well, I suppose that's enough for now. If you're one of the people that mutually we haven't been keeping in connection with, know I wish you all the happiness in the world and I hope you succeed at all strive for. If you're one of the people who mutually we check in with and show genuine interest in one another, I love you and we'll be seeing one another/be in touch.