Post Treatment Scan #1

 Today was my results appointment. I had gotten the report early as Dr. Okonu's PA released them to me early. I assume so I didn't have to wait all weekend for the results since they were good. No, not good, AMAZING! (I need to stop downplaying my life… I tend to downplay how bad things are when they are bad and tend to downplay the good as well. Taking note, and going to work on that.)

 

I wasn't sure if I even needed to go to this appointment but I had a couple questions and I was actually curious to see what Dr. Okonu would have to say to me. I've never really seen the man "excited" or "optimistic" so I was curious as to what he would have to say about the results.

 

He came in chipper, I was his first appointment of the day. He said he was "tickled pink" by my results. He brought up my scans and showed them to me, explained what everything was, where things were, etc. He showed my lungs as they monitor them, too. That's typically one of the first places my sarcoma would spread if it did. Seeing my lungs were pretty neat. Just reminds me how awesome the human body is. He showed me my pelvis, too. I could see the surgical clamps inside, the thickening of my bladder that reports keep talking about.

 

Then he checked over my whole body. Pressed on my groin, abdomen, and thighs asking where I have pain and showing me where I have scar tissue underneath the skin. I really didn't need a demonstration of that because I can for sure feel it myself.

 

He tested the strength in both of my legs and said he was very happy with the outcome of my leg given all that's been done. He was impressed by its strength. He asked how it was with stairs for me as he imagined that would be my biggest challenge. I told him I do struggle with stairs when using that leg to hoist myself, especially without something to hold onto but that I've been forcing myself to do that in order to strengthen it back up. He agreed that's what I should be doing.

 

We talked about the port. He said it can come out any time I like. I wanted to know though if it were to come back, is it more likely to happen sooner rather than later? He said it can come back any time but that yes, usually within the first couple of years is most likely if it's going to. So, that's my new goal. To beat those odds.

 

We talked about my lack of estrogen and if I needed to be on some sort of hormone replacements. He said we will check my levels at the next bloodwork appointment and scan appointment and go from there. He said it can do pretty much anything, from not regaining at all to completely coming back full functioning. The only real reason I'd need hormone replacements is to help my bones.

 

Today has been a weird day. I took something to help me sleep last night as I haven't been sleeping well again. I took it around 11:30 and now today can't seem to shake off that sleepiness. I definitely should have taken it much sooner. I haven't been this tired during the day in months.

 

Thinking about my appointment, my results, my year, my life… It really seems surreal. I mean, I know I did all those things, but now being in the position that I am now, look BACK at it all… just WOW. In one year's time, I had three major surgeries, a total of 10 months of chemotherapy, 25 daily rounds of radiation, traveled to Los Angeles, 90% fixed my anxiety, found God and a beautiful church family, dealt with my past trauma, re-met my dad, gave my children a well-deserved family vacation, somehow kept my leg, and am now without active cancer… It's really blowing my mind right now.

 

I'm very proud of myself. I'm very proud of my family and where we are. I'm very proud of my friends who stood by me during all of this. I'm especially proud of my husband and children. The strength they had through this all for me was incredible. The strength I have is incredible.

 

Sometimes, I get in these moods where I feel like I'm just beaming with happiness and amazement. That's how I'm feeling right now. Just an amazing year it's been.

 

Looking back, from my original diagnosis, I never would have dreamed this is where I am now. I'm learning to have true faith in myself, my abilities, and God, and His abilities. Truly astonishing. I'm so glad I followed my gut and it lead me to where I am now. I'm glad I found God and prayed. I'm glad I had all of you out there praying for this moment.

 

I know and understand that physically, I'll never be my old self again, but before I was taking my body for granted. I didn't take any time to do good things to it like being outside, eating/drinking right, loving it, etc, but now, even though I can't physically do certain things "normally" I'm wanting to and doing things outside, I'm (mostly) eating better on a regular basis, and though it physically looks a lot different now, I'm loving it. I'm not ashamed of the scars, the stretch marks, the added saggy skin, or whatever someone might say about it. I love it. It's home to my strength. It's home to my loving/caring heart, my glowing soul, my creative mind, it's grown and housed two beautiful kids. It's a pretty amazing thing.

 

What a wild ride. Cancer has been the hardest and biggest wake-up call. But, a wake-up call is exactly what I needed. I wouldn't be happy had it not happened. I wouldn't have found myself. It's renewed a beautiful part of me and I'm forever grateful for it.

 

Derek said the other day, "It could have consumed you. You could have just laid down in that bed and let it take over you and no one would have blamed you for it, but you didn't. You fought hard and went above and beyond."

 

Normally, (and I initially did when he said that) I would have brushed off that compliment because they make me uncomfortable. But, YES. Yes, I did do those things and I'm here in my amazing position because of it. I don't want to brush off my achievements anymore. I remember when I graduated from the phlebotomy course. I refused to stand up with the rest of my class for my diploma and invite family and friends. I was the only one because I thought everyone would think, "that's not really a big deal." Even though my mom, husband, and friends did want to go and share in my hard work. It's just sad that I didn't allow myself to celebrate that moment.

 

I'm ready for new beginnings. I'm ready for new adventures in my life story. I'm ready to really live and experience any/everything. That's why we're here… to learn, to live, to help lift our fellow man-kind along the way…

 

This has been the hardest chapter in my story thus far. The lessons this has taught me are so valuable and necessary. I know my story isn't over, but wow, I'm loving where I'm going. Next chapter.