Tiny Piece of Me

I found another small piece of myself the other day. It's a small and very much overlooked part because it's small, but it's here again nonetheless.

 

This may seem stupid, odd, or maybe even vain to some of you but I'll do my best to explain it.

 

Almost all of you know me, some obviously much better than others, so some of you may not remember my non-dark style. Maybe even those of you who were there at that time with me don't remember it because I didn't.

 

The only thing that snapped that memory of myself back into place was when I was shopping the other day. I found this skirt. It was shorter, flowy, a beautiful navy blue with little intricate designs on it. When I looked at it, it reminded me of this cute, similar-styled, white skirt I use to have and wore not long (few months) after I gave birth to Connor. I was coming home from something and my older but very cool stoner down-stairs neighbor was outside. He was chatting to me about my new son, who was asleep in his car seat that was slung over my arm, his diaper bag on that same shoulder. The longer we chatted the heavier that car seat got. The wind blew a huge gust and up went my skirt. Because I didn't want to drop the car seat I kind of bent in half and used my elbow of the extra-supporting arm to push it back down.

 

Needless to say, I was somewhat embarrassed but my stoner neighbor laughed and cracked a joke about my silly underwear. Basically saying good thing I wasn't wearing a string for an undergarment.

 

It lightened the mood and we chatted a bit more before I eventually went upstairs to my apartment and said to myself, "only me."

 

Maybe this is dumb but I've spent a good deal of my life unhappy. A fair chunk just drifting through life, and a small but amazing part truly happy and my authentic self. Thinking about that memory, I was really happy at this point in my life. My ex-husband and I had separated, my son was the whole world, and I was learning to be independent on a whole new level. I was finding people who encouraged me, who made me feel special and beautiful after a very rocky, and damaging marriage.

 

I noticed that when I am unhappy and lose myself I feel like I have this image I have to maintain in order for others to think that I am strong, and/or take no shit. Don't get me wrong I really do like the look of that alternative style but looking back, I used that as a shield more than once in my life. I would literally tell people I didn't like colorful things, hated girly clothes, and despised people who chose to dress that way because it's "ordinary."

 

The big picture shows me that I was actually happiest, most myself, and strongest when I didn't care what people thought and wore whatever I wanted, girly or otherwise. I like colorful things, I like girly things with a quirky twist. I'm not saying that clothing depicts who I am, but clothing is like music, it’s a way of expression. When I needed to protect myself, I tried to only find things that in my chaotic brain told me was a shield.

 

In the end, I like FUN things. Whatever fun means that day. And my favorite color is green. Not a dark green but a beautiful, fresh, first spring grass green. I enjoy skirts a lot. I can't remember the last time I actually wore one, but I enjoy them.

 

But just in case the wind blows, I have to remember to wear silly underwear. Haha.