Perspective Change

 I'm constantly being shown there is light in the dark. Over and over again. Just because a day(s) is bad, does not mean the situation IS bad. (This is a long story but I promise the light does come.)

Mother's Day and Monday were awful. The kids were brats, so much fighting was going on in the house which was my only request for mother's day, no fighting. Derek was trying SO hard to make mother's day perfect that he lost sight of things. He just pushed and pushed the kids to be seen, not heard, to do things HIS way, not theirs.

 

His heart was in the right place but his execution in the end just caused more stress and made the situation worse. Monday was a million times worse. Derek was so frustrated with Connor who just pushes back even harder the more Derek tries to get him to do things his way. He forgets sometimes that Connor is NOT him.

 

So needless to say, we all lost our temper, said and did things we didn't mean. Monday night was so rough on all of us. Derek and I never fight, maybe once a year we get upset with one another on a real level but we still don't fight, we talk shit out. But not this day. I told him that my relationship with him and with Connor should be separate from his relationship with Connor. Because they don't communicate effectively, they both come to me screaming and yelling, "he did this, he did that" as if I'm the judge/jury of the situation and have to decide who's right and who's wrong, which in the end makes no damn difference.

 

Anyway, Monday resulted in me telling Connor to get out of the house, ride his bike down to the bar where his dad was playing volleyball. Derek, who normally never yells, followed me out to also scream at Connor to get out of the house or he'd basically remove him from the house. Luckily, right at zero hour of WWIII in our house, my friend was pulling in the driveway. I didn't know this until later because I ran into my room to call my other friend in tears. She was so amazing in helping me through my outburst. My other friend talked with Connor and helped him to see things a different way and I can't thank her enough. (Do you see how there no coincidences yet?-The odds of her stopping in at that exact moment was a Godsend.)

 

Later, Derek went out to calmly talk to Connor, too. He apologized and explained that since he (Derek) didn't have a dad growing up, he doesn't know how to be one sometimes and how to speak to Connor. The only male authority figure he's ever had were his bosses and his military Sergeants who don't ask politely, they order. He told Connor that's not right, as Connor is not his private, he's his son.

 

I was so angry, I didn't listen or even talk to Derek or the kids this night (which is normally something we never do, we don't go to sleep angry-but this two-day negative battle was so explosive) so I had no idea they had worked everything out for the most part. The next morning, every little thing seemed to go wrong. I overslept, woke up with a headache, and felt so drained. I normally never get headaches now that I drink only water and take lots of supplements. I then found out I locked my keys in the car. Luckily, I found the spare. Then I called my friend on my drive to my brothers' house and was seeking advice about the night before happenings when I realized I was driving in the completely wrong direction to my brothers' house.

 

On the way to his house, the road was closed. At this point I'm so annoyed I drove through it anyway because I was not driving another 15 minutes back and around to go around when his house was 1 mile away.

 

When I got to his house, I thought, finally, this is the break I need. Some good bonding time with my brother which I typically look forward to these days. We haven't argued or fought in quite some time as we are learning to see from each other's perspectives or at least learning to "agree to disagree." Well, this visit in tempers flaring, and me storming out.

 

I again, called my friend basically in a blind rage at this point telling her everything and wondering what in the world is wrong with today. Why has it been utter chaos around me for the last three days? She told me to not go home and to go do something for myself to clear my head. I took a deep breath and agreed.

 

My drive into town was filled with irony. I listen to the same radio station every day. It plays oldies that I like and the whole way there were songs ironically playing songs about taking time for yourself, you can't change people, etc. I literally at one point looked at my radio and said, "Ok, I get it. I'm going." I rolled my eyes and made my way to town to do some clothes shopping. I was determined to buy a dress as I don't own one right now.

 

I went to Maurices, shut my phone off, and proceeded to shop. The gal asked what brought me in and I simply said, "bad day, needed some me time. Just looking around to see if there's anything I like and to escape for a bit." She said, I know those days and chatted a bit about how she has to escape at times, too. She was so kind and so helpful. Eventually, she asked about the Maurices card and I said, sure, as I don't have any credit cards and could save some money shopping today. I applied, got approved, so figured I'd look for more than just a dress to kill some more time. I found a few more items I liked but started to get super hot and nauseous from trying on things and wearing the mask so decided it was time to go with what I had. I went to check out and the temporary card I just got approved for wasn't working.

 

Are you kidding me? It was literally my last fucking straw and I was getting hotter and sicker by the second. It was taking a while, no one's fault, just something was wrong. The gal said, "this has never happened before I'm not sure what to do. Let me call the helpline." I said I needed to sit down and take my mask off as I had cancer and I was feeling super sick. I went into the dressing room to sit down and take my mask off. I tore off my outer shirt and sat feeling so frustrated and ultimately just wanted to leave. It just isn't my day apparently.

 

Eventually, the lady on the other end of the line wanted to talk to me. They couldn't figure it out either. I finally said look, it's ok, I'll just come back another time or just get the dress and leave the rest for now. They asked if we could just try reapplying at the register vs the tablet I applied on earlier. I semi-reluctantly agreed as the other gal brought me a chair and said don't worry about the mask. She asked how long I had been dealing with cancer and said how young I was. She gave me an extra percent off for the inconvenience which I felt awful about. I sat and waited to see if it would work this time, giving them my information. At this point, I'm so overwhelmed and just done with today so I started tearing up telling them my information. The other gal ran to the back and brought out a beautiful little pack of necklaces and asked if she could give them to me. I told her she really doesn't have to do that. She said she wanted to and that they do things to raise money for cancer patients.

 

Finally, the thing worked and I was able to be approved for real this time. The gal asked for a hug and I apologized for making a scene in her store and that just too many little things had gone wrong today. I hugged her and she said, "everything happens for a reason maybe you were just meant to be here to spend extra time with us today." Maybe? They were just the best kind of people and I truly can't thank them enough for being so kind, patient, and understanding with me as I made a fool of myself.

 

I went to my car and started sobbing. I was so embarrassed and humiliated that I let my emotions get the best of me like that in public. I called my friend just bawling. She asked where I was and said she'd leave work to come to get me. I was crying so hard for a while I couldn't catch my breath. The last two days of non-stop fighting in my house and all the little things going wrong all day just escalated until I couldn't even hold my shit together.

 

She came and listened to me and let me vent and said it's happened to us all. Everyone has had a day like that and makes a fool of themselves when they're overwhelmed.

 

We got scratch-offs and sat in the car talking for a couple hours. We talked about Derek and Connor and our house dynamic. She offered some really good advice and perspective that I've never thought of as a parent or some I have but just don't know how to implement because I've never done it.

 

She asked, "what in Connor's life is HE in control of? What's one thing he's entirely in control of that you and Derek don't project rules over in some way?" I said, nothing. That really made me see why Connor would be so rebellious and frustrated. He just wants to be heard, seen, and allowed to be who he wants.

 

Derek and I so badly want to make sure that he's going to be a good man someday that we forget he's a child in his teens learning who he is, what he likes, and what he doesn't like. He also needs to learn how to live without our constant input. If he's going to "fall" let him fall while he's still in our home to fall. We also talked about how we can't constantly get upset about the fact that when Connor DOES do his chores/homework he doesn't do it the way we would. That has been a huge issue in our house. I have gotten over that mostly this last year but Derek hasn't and thus gets so upset with Connor for doing it his own way.

 

First off, who cares as long he does it, and secondly, his mind doesn't work like mine or Derek's. It works like Connor's. What makes sense to him doesn't always or even need to make sense to us. Who cares if it takes him a long time or a short time? If it gets done at the end of the day that was his time put into it so the only one utilizing time, is him in that chore/project.

 

My friend brought up how he struggled so badly in elementary school and how I thought he'd be worse off in middle school because he had more responsibility but in the end, he actually did the opposite and flourished in middle school. She said to make decisions WITH him not FOR him.

 

Our approach has always been he needs to do his chores, homework, whatever, then he can earn a certain amount of time on his PS4 and tv time. She said, WHY??? She said to let him decide how much or how little he's on those things and can have them whenever as long he does do his chores/homework at some point during the day. This gives him control and makes him feel appreciated.

 

At this point, a lot of the "raising" in terms of core values has already been instilled in Connor. So, at some point, I want to not just be Connor's mom but his friend, too. I've been the hardcore mom and mother-henned him, now it's time to sit back and let him take the reigns for his life a little bit more. Let him decided who he wants to be and not who we want him to be.

 

So when I went home and told Derek what she thought he agreed and then he told me how his and Connor's talk went. Derek explained how hard it is to be a dad sometimes having nothing to go off of. He admitted he's a part of the issue and wants to make it right. Derek hugged me, one of those long "I hated us being upset with each other for too long" hugs, said he loved me. He assured me then that we will get to where we need to be as a family.

 

Later last night the three of us, Connor, Derek, and I all talked about the new plan. Connor obviously agreed but also said, I don't think just an hour of video games a day is bad but I appreciate you allowing me more time if I want it. We also talked about instead of yelling between him and Derek that maybe they have a notebook they can write to each other in. This requires them to think about what they want to say and it's completely private between the two of them. Connor really liked that idea.

 

We even decided to let Connor have his cell phone at our house. Realizing that with him not in school we literally stripped away his only outlet. He has no one to vent to about us, life, etc.

 

Today granted is the first day of this new lifestyle and with his cell phone here, but so far it's been really great. Connor got all his stuff done and has been more receptive to helping extra when asked. We've been listening to his music most of today and we've been sharing music back and forth. He hasn't argued with his sister at all today which is unheard of.

 

Our house just feels lighter today. We've laughed today, we've gotten along, talked more than we have in a long time, and just overall feels so light. I needed today and I think Connor needed today. We all did, I guess.

 

It's really hard realizing your child is their own person and doesn't NEED you. It's hard to not control every little thing but at some point it just makes sense. They want to be heard, feel important, feel in control, and be accepted as themselves and not who we think they need to be or how they need to act.

 

I think the two-day blow-up at our house was needed. We needed to realize these things. I needed my friend to point out how much Connor shocked me with thriving in middle school and connecting that to his life here in the house with us. Derek needed to realize Connor is his kid and not a soldier. Though the last few days were so tense, negative, and filled with hurt feelings, today is proving to me that it was all for this purpose.

 

We needed a perspective change. We all did.