Bonds

 I know I sound like a broken record… but scrrrrrchhheehhh scrrrrrrchhheehhh sccrrrrccchhhh.

 

Cancer seriously saved me. I constantly look back and think of where I was a year and a half ago and am amazed at my self transformation. Don’t get me wrong I still have lots of work to do to resolve my issues but it truly made my life come to a screeching halt and re-evaluate who I was and what I was doing with my life.

 

A year ago I was so anxious it was becoming difficult for me to leave my house. I was so angry all the time and projecting constant negativity and thus receiving constant negativity back into my life. A never-ending cycle of bad. I didn’t know who I was anymore or how I lost myself, to begin with.

 

Derek said the other day how care-free I use to be and that was one of the reasons he fell in love with me. He said he sees that in me again and I swear our relationship is better than it’s been in a very long time.

 

Tonight I wake up, can’t sleep, but rollover to just see him asleep beside me and can’t help but feel so appreciative for him. We haven’t laughed this much together since we were a new couple and we have such deep, amazing conversations. One night we woke up at 3 AM and ended up lying awake talking about life and where it’s taken us and where we want to be on different levels.

 

He talks about how much we’ve grown and changed over the last year for the better. The only downside we agreed, was realizing certain people around us we feel we are outgrowing. It’s no one's fault, just different stages of life.

 

Things could have gone so poorly… when I talked about wanting a relationship with God he rose to the idea and met me there even though we had always agreed that wasn’t our thing. When I said I wanted to start pursuing a holistic approach to cancer he watched documentaries with me and discussed the pros and cons with me and encouraged my need to travel this direction.

 

This time has really shown me our unconditional love for one another. He’s never complained about the extra burdens he’s had to take on from my inability to do certain things. He’s never pressured me intimately when doctors said with low blood counts it’s not safe to be intimate. He still hugs, kisses, and cuddles me just the same and tells me I’m beautiful. Even after surgeries that definitely changed my physical appearance and my changes in weight and muscle tone.

 

I’m so damn lucky to have him. You know that saying? “Behind every man is a strong woman?” Well, behind this strong woman is an even stronger and more compassionate man. He’s my soulmate through and through.

 

Then I think of my mom. Before all this our relationship was fine but I know for me my guard was still up for no good reason. I’m not sure I’d hugged her since I was a kid? Then after finding out my diagnosis, I remember so vividly needing her. Never in my life had I “needed” anyone but that day I did. I couldn’t control my crying and panicking. She came over and just talked with me and played cribbage until I was calm.

 

She selflessly came over every day to help me raise these kids during chemo when I was sick or so weak and tired. I think how much time I spent not hugging my mom or telling her I love her. Our bond has gotten so much better, so much stronger all because I realized how stupid it was to not be open and receptive to vulnerability with her.

 

Then I look around at the bonds I’ve created or even ended with friends. Slowly, I’m realizing my worth. Slowly, I’ve been weeding out the people who don’t contribute positivity to the friendship or who don’t seem to put much effort into being friends but expect to gain from it from my end.

 

I have new friends I never imagined having. I know they were brought into my life for a reason. Their overall goodness and genuine light just lifts me up when I have a bad day.

 

It’s a pretty amazing feeling to have found Toni again and to have these fulfilling bonds with key people in my life. I was literally the problem in my own life. Once I let some of my own barriers down, everything just slowly started to get better. In the end, I had to just feel all my insecurities and get the fuck out of my own way.

 

Change has not been easy but damn has it been worth it. I’ve worked my ass off on so many levels to be here right now able to say I love myself, and certain others with honesty behind those words.

 

I might not have a lot of money or (as we all know lol) be a pillar of good health, but man, do I have a wonderful life.

 

Every day I see another reason to be grateful and to love as much as I can. My hurdle right now is boundaries. I love to give but sometimes at the expense of myself.

 

Now that I’m learning self-love, I know I have to create time dedicated to myself and my needs. My needs are fairly simple; family time, pet snuggles, crafting, and laughs with my friends. I definitely will never regret the time I’ve given to others but will I regret the time I didn’t take for myself? There’s a balance I’m striving to and will find.

 

So, boundaries is my next personal growth challenge in life. What’s yours?