Be Positive

I am continuing to be amazed by new aspects of life. I started reading the book, "you can deal your life" by Louise Hay. Everything she talks about is the aspects I've been learning about and/or trying to achieve this last year. I started out on this journey alone but now I'm slowly realizing that I continually "stumble" upon (there are no coincidences) things such as this book or other things that reaffirm that I am on the right path. 

I recently talked about having a bad day, everything seemed to just go wrong. More than once now I've read about or seen things that say when you make a conscious decision to do something for the greater good of your life, that will happen (all the bad) as basically a trial in which you're meant to test your skills. It usually is a sign that you are headed for a "breakthrough." Again, I am being shown that this is true in my life.

 

Derek is now, too, seeing this to be true. After the blow-up in our house with Connor and the decision was made to completely change our rules and parenting style, it has been truly amazing. A literal weight lifted off us all. Though there are always days that creep up "bad" because this is all very new to us and it is extremely hard to kill old habits. However, it CAN be done.

 

Derek struggles with it the most, though it's very obvious that he is trying. The other day, old habits were creeping up with him and I had to stop him and say, "this isn't what we agreed upon with Connor. What's going on?" I wanted to know why/what was bothering him that was causing him to start "mother-henning" Connor and why he was saying he couldn't do the things we agreed he could do and have control over.

 

As it turns out, Derek was working very hard on another project and when he gets in these "zones" he thinks EVERYTHING that needs to get done, needs to be done right now. I, too, have this bad habit, though I've slowly over time been allowing this habit to fall away. As Derek and I talked it was blatantly clear that Derek was feeling a sense of urgency doing all these tasks and thus was pushing his own urgency onto Connor. I explained what is urgent to him is not urgent to Connor. Also, why did it even need to be urgent to Derek?

 

As we talked longer the subject changed more into why he's so much harsher on Connor. He explained that he wasn't sure but that he does very much want Connor's approval. He said, "no matter what I do, good, bad, or otherwise, I will never measure up to his real dad. Connor always wants his real dad." I said I understood as I had a split home and explained how that always made me feel. I felt I had to compete with whomever my parents were with for attention and I needed the "approval" of my real parent no matter how nice or attentive that other step-parent was. Connor has his own "approval" needs in life that he will one day have to overcome.

 

I told him to project positivity and just allow things to work out as they should. He's never going to get anywhere by demanding time, rules he wished he had growing up, etc. The last couple of days after this minor hiccup have been great. Everyone has been getting along and the things that once seemed so urgent really weren't so urgent anymore.

 

Today after church, we dropped Connor off with his grandparents. He went to an Ace's game in Red Wing and won movie tickets. I have been exhausted lately from lack of sleep so decided I needed a nap. My best self was definitely not showing today. After Derek went for a run he came back home and came into the bedroom and plopped down beside me and said, "you're never going to believe it. Connor won tickets to the movies and he asked ME to go with him!"

 

He was so excited and happy. Granted, Connor's cousin was his obvious first choice, but Connor said he knew Derek wanted to see the new Mortal Kombat movie and asked. Please, don't overlook the significance of this. For us, it's huge progress.

 

We don't need or expect Derek to be first in Connor's life, that's not the goal. We just want Connor to know that he has two very loving dads in his life and can have equal though different relationships with them both. There never needs to be a competition.

 

When Connor was little, Derek and he had an amazing relationship. They played together, laughed, talked… As Connor grew older and needed more structure as he needed more help in "right vs wrong" decision making, that's where things seemed to start to get rocky. Which, looking back, to me makes a lot of sense since Derek didn't get the advice, approval, or attention he wanted/needed from his own father. Derek wanted the "structure" a father brings thus pushed it, harshly, onto his own child.

 

As we continue to learn and grow through life, things just seem to slowly start clicking into place. Things are starting to make sense more and more each day. I had another big Epiphone today, one I hope to share soon. I'm going to put all my thoughts, energy, and positive affirmations into this and see where it takes me.

 

I'm so proud of my family. We are making leaps and bounds together and I'm loving every second of it. I have to keep in mind that a set back is ok and that they mean I'm on the right path to a breakthrough moment. Setbacks don't mean failure. (Failures are also not bad, it means you're TRYING!) I truly hope this path leads our family to more acceptance and happiness.

 

If any of you are looking for great reading material, I highly recommend the book I mentioned above. It's one that makes me think, gives me things to try on my growth journey, and truth be told, gives me the warm fuzzies deep inside. It's amazing how we unintentionally limit ourselves every day without even realizing it and how simple it could be to change that if we just open up our mind to the process.

 

Lots of love!