Set Back

I have no clue what my issue is today but I'm EXTREMELY anxious and tense. I haven't felt like this in a very long time.

 

Maybe my body remembers today subconsciously? I truly haven't thought about one year ago today at all today until now when I'm questioning what the heck is wrong with me. I physically ache the way I do when I'm very anxious because all my muscles from head to toe are essentially flexed.

 

Celia is not helping. All-day today she's been whiny and up my ass. She's constantly asking questions. Simple, dumb questions she knows the answers to or would if she put any thought into it at all which tells me she's also anxious. That's how she gets when she's worked up or if I'm upset with her. It's her digging for reassurance that everything is ok.

 

I had a zoom meeting with one of the gals from Rein In Sarcoma this morning so I told the kids they needed to do homework and be quiet while I was on the video call. I swear they had to right outside the door listening because the SECOND I hung up they were in the room asking me dumb questions. I said, give me a few minutes to work on some things. Within seconds, they were right back in there asking more dumb shit that they should already know the answers to. After a few more rounds of that, I said, "fuck it." I obviously can't work on anything today.

 

I don't know if it's in the air today or if like I said if things are just subconsciously there, but I'm so over this day. I'm so overly frustrated and annoyed I could literally get in my car and drive away for a week.

 

Earlier, I blew up at the kids because of it all. Connor wasn't doing anything wrong. Celia was being overly talkative because of anxiety and whining because she didn't want to go to the store. I said, ok if Connor doesn't want to go either then you both can stay home. He said he wanted to go so I said we will do it the fair way and held a number up on each hand behind my back. Number one meant we all went to the store, number two meant they stayed home. We usually try to do something like this to make it fair if there's ever a disagreement. Well, they picked the go to the store hand and she started crying and whining.

 

I lost my temper. Usually, we never have issues with this way of doing things because the fairest way we can do things and the kids understand that. I told the kids to forget it, we'll all stay home. I told them they're not to bug me the rest of the day and went to my room while they went outside to play. During that time Connor came to apologize though he did nothing wrong. Celia slid notes under the door saying she was sorry.

 

When I came out I took Celia aside and asked if she knew why I was upset and if she knew what she was apologizing for. She said, "because I didn't listen." I said, "no, because you were being selfish. We don't always get our way and that’s why we do the number thing but you crying and throwing a fit makes it hard on everyone else and then we all had to stay home. So crying and whining isn't fair because it forces everyone else to do what you want." She nodded and said she was sorry again.

 

Afterward, I sat thinking about why I'm so worked up and if I unjustly snapped at the kids. I wondered if I should be the one apologizing. The song, "I saw the sign" came on and made me think, "ok, this is the right thought process I should be having right now." I untensed a bit and Celia seemed like she was a bit calmer, too.

 

I thought that would be the end of it. But, no. I literally can't escape her today. She has to be right next to me at all times, nearly touching if not actually touching. Which is not helping my state of mind right now. Which in return isn't helping hers because I can't give her what she wants right now, cuddles and affection and reassurance.

 

When I get this anxious and worked up, people near me or even talking to me makes me feel claustrophobic, like I'm gasping for air. My chest gets super tight. My neck, shoulder, back, arm, and leg muscles are clenched tight at all times. I hate this feeling.

 

After Derek got home we all went to the store together and she pretty much matched my stride, step for step. I was pretty much tripping over her. Derek and I split up in the store and she started to come with me but I told her to go with Derek. When we ate afterward she sat with me on my side of the booth. After we made deviled eggs when we got home I went outside because I didn't want any but she and Derek did. She grabbed one and followed me outside (normally we eat at the counter or table) so I told her, "No, you eat in there with dad."

 

I just cannot breathe today. I can't get over this anxiety that's taken over my entire mind and body today. AGAIN, I HATE THIS FEELING. I have felt so good lately, I was so proud of myself because I haven't had random, unexplained anxiety in months. I hate feeling set back.

 

Today just needs to be done.