Reflecting

 This morning I saw an article about Dr. Tseng, post by a fellow sarcoma warrior in my Sarcoma Support Group on Facebook.

 

It immediately brought me back to the day he gave me my hope and I guess I just wanted to write/rave about him for a little bit since to me, he's such a major part and influence in my own story with sarcoma.

 

The second I read the article I was right back in that side room on the 10th floor of the Gonda building, the "cancer floor," in the infusion area. I was right back on that uncomfortable hospital bed, nerves escalating to an all-time high. I was literally nauseous from my nerves as I had already met with a second surgeon at my hospital earlier that day that agreed he could not or would not perform a limb-sparing surgery. It was leave the tumor (which once it started growing again meant I'd either die from bowel obstruction like they explained) or a hemipelvectomy (which would leave me with no leg, and half a sacrum and half a pelvis). So at the moment, I was not in a great state of mind. I fully expected to hear a third, "I'm sorry I can't help you."

 

I anxiously sat there waiting for him to call. A few minutes past the appointment time, my phone finally rang with a Los Angeles number… Showtime! He introduced himself, explained my subtype more in-depth so I would understand the risks and benefits going forward with any decision I were to make. Then he finally said, "I think I can help you."

 

Immediately, I was full-blown crying, trying not to make too much noise as I was still trying to hear what he had to say but looking back I don't remember anything else he said after that. I was so over-joyed that he could help me. He gave me a reason from that moment on to keep fighting. Before that, especially after my other second opinion that day, I thought, why would I do any more treatments if both result in death or a very poor quality of life?

 

I was instantly buzzing with happiness and hope. I just couldn't believe it. He truly is a wonderful human being and more doctors should be like him. He's real, down-to-earth, and compassionate. Every time I told him in person how grateful I was for him and his team, I cried happy tears because I couldn't hold back my emotions because he did what no one has been able to do in my journey which is give me options. My hospital didn't really give me a choice. They stamped me with "this is how we handle sarcoma, deal with it." They didn't look at my case as an individual, or if they did, none of them saw it in the way I saw it and how Dr. Tseng saw it.

 

Now, looking back on that time and looking at where I am today… I'm so happy to be here and so happy I made the decision I did by putting my faith and essentially my life in Dr. Tseng's hands. Yes, I have pain/issues with my leg, but I have my leg. Yes, I still have some tumor left (that we hope is dead) but now even if it does grow again, it should be more manageable. I won't immediately die from a bowel obstruction like my doctors here so uncompassionately stated.

 

That's a major difference I noticed with Dr. Tseng vs my doctors here as well… When he completed that first surgery and wasn't hopeful about my pathology results we were waiting on, and he had to explain that, you could tell how devastated he was. He had compassion and concern for me and my outcome. My doctors here are definitely well trained in delivering bad news in a very emotionless way. I appreciated Dr. Tseng's humanity for me. I'm still a real human being with thoughts and feelings and he recognizes that.

 

It seems crazy to look back at all I've been through with cancer and know where I'm at today. It's amazing to look back at all the people who helped me and supported me through this. Not just doctors or other sarcoma fighters, but my community. My family and friends… I really am a very lucky woman to have such an army of great people standing behind/beside me. I wouldn't be here without all of you. I wouldn't have gotten to Dr. Tseng with YOU! For that, I am forever grateful.

I can only hope that cancer is now behind me for good but if not, I'm so glad I have you guys in my life and around me. To keep me in check and push me harder to fight with all I have.

 

It just seems so surreal to think back on all I've done in the last year. What I've physically, mentally, and emotionally been through, and yet, I'm still here. I survived it. Crazy to know your own personal strength and what you're capable of doing if you have to. We as human beings are truly badass! I'm alive! After 3 major surgeries, 10 months of chemotherapy, 25 rounds/5weeks of radiation, a month in another state away from my friends/kids/family, to emotional hell and back, all within a year's time. Mind-blowing! BUT, I AM ALIVE! Amazing.