Heartache

It was a wonderful day today. Lots of fun and love. However, a long day for us all.

 

Derek as if I thought something was wrong with Celia. I had admitted that yes, there was something “off” with her and had been for a while now.

 

For the last, I’m not sure how long she’s been much more needy with me, rightfully so, but to the point she’s not been wanting to go places she typically loves going like grandmas or hanging out with Petey.

 

She gets sad, whiny, panicky. I’ve tried talking to her before with little response. Just simple yes or no replies.

 

The other day I left for lunch with my brother and when I got back she had made me yet another card. She likes to make cards or simple gifts but lately, it’s nonstop and later that night she was cuddling with me and I asked if the card was for something special.  She immediately started to cry and couldn't catch her breath. She was hyperventilating. I tried to soothe her and asked what was wrong. She said between frantic breaths that the card wasn’t “perfect.” “It wasn’t  good enough and she messed up so had to take other paper and tape over the messed up part and redo it.”

 

Her blow seemed to come out of nowhere. I hugged her and told her it WAS perfect. I told her I didn’t even notice that she “messed up.” It was awful to see her so frantic over something so simple.

 

Tonight Derek said we should let her come up and sleep with us and maybe try talking to her again. We went through a few things… stranger danger, good touch bad touch, bullying, etc. All of which she said she knew to talk to us about and what she was suppose to do if any of those happened.

 

Derek said “you know, you’ve not been wanting to do things you normally like.” She was silent. I added, “normally you love going with grandma or Petey, or Ellie is there a reason you don’t want to leave us, are you scared or worried  for some reason?”

 

She burst into tears and said, “I’m scared you’re going to leave me and not come back. I had a dream you left and didn’t come back.” At that moment, everything I worried would happen, did. Mom guilt to the absolute max.

 

I asked why she felt that way. And she fell on to me in tears and said, “I didn’t like when you went to LA for so long!”

 

Broke my heart. I tried to explain that nothing, not even death would keep me from her. Even if I physically wasn’t here I’d be with her always so she never had to worry about me leaving her behind. We’d always come back to her one way or another.

 

I know you can’t fully understand my situation, my life, but know there’s no worse feeling than this. I’d rather wake up in the ICU all over again than hear my 8-year-old daughter say this and know she feels so scared and now has some form of PTSD or depression. It’s not fair. This little girl does NOT deserve this trauma.

 

As I work through my own traumas from my past/childhood it’s so hard to watch as my children are creating theirs right in front of me, because of me.

 

Yes, I understand it’s no one's fault and “kids are resilient” but that doesn’t help. Please keep those comments to yourself. I know you mean well, but it doesn’t help. Thank you for trying but wow, does it hurt and I know her hurting is bigger and deeper than even I can understand.

 

It really sucks knowing she can’t just be a regular happy-go-lucky 8-year-old. She’s had to grow up and experience things some adults have even had to. I know this will make her strong but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept or easy to watch.

 

It’s surreal knowing so many people take their kids and their lives for granted. Just drifting day to day thinking work, money, and material items are what life’s about. Out there missing such key moments or taking their days for granted. Seems crazy to me when we struggle the way we do. When we literally fight to really live and be happy…

 

Just another reality check in our life. I truly hope and pray we can help her move past this trauma. I hope she doesn’t carry this with her. Such a strong little girl. She did this whole year with stride but me being gone is what broke her…

 

I hope our talk got this worry out of her. I hope she can start to be an 8-year-old again. She deserves it so much.