Fallen Warrior

 Janelle called me this morning to talk me through the loss of a fellow sarcoma warrior. In that conversation, she reminded me of something my chemotherapy oncologist once said, "chemotherapy is essentially poisoning a person within an inch of their life to try to save them."

 

Can you think about that for a moment? Re-read it. Let that sink in.

 

We lost a wonderful woman. She was about my age and had a daughter about Connor's age. She was one of the first people I talked with after my diagnosis and gave me advice on how to tell my children the news of cancer.

 

Alexa was a very bright star in the sarcoma community. She organized races/fundraisers to raise money for research as well as making some homemade gifts to sell.

 

The reason her passing is so shocking to me is that she was so strong. She lived with sarcoma for years. She did many trials, underwent countless rounds of chemo and radiation. She passed doing a similar trial to the one I went to qualify for in Chicago and ended up saying, "no way." She had complications with that and getting her numbers (blood components) back up and paid the ultimate price for it. It hurts my heart knowing she passed away a "guinea pig" for sarcoma. I mean that with no ill will towards her, in fact, I find it quite brave, but it's so unfair I can hardly wrap my brain around it.

 

She wanted to further the study/research of sarcoma and decided to risk her life to do this trial not only in an attempt to save her own life but others as well. She made the ultimate sacrifice. If that's not a true warrior, then I don't know what is.

 

I'm having trouble processing her passing because she reminds me in so many ways of myself. However, I wouldn't do that trial. I don't know if that makes me cowardess or if I just feel our circumstances with sarcoma are different but I wouldn't do it.

 

Now, I feel confused and sad. I want so badly to help be a reason to finding a cure for sarcoma so no one else ever has to suffer. I have all these ideas to help but getting them started is sometimes overwhelming or I feel I'm not doing them fast enough. I'm struggling with the balance of healing/spending time with loved ones and getting my products made. Every second I don't get products made I feel like is another sarcoma warrior lost. I know that's not realistic but that’s how my brain gets when I'm grieving. It's a force to push me harder, find new and bigger/better things to accomplish so that I can give back in hopes they'll find an answer.

 

I'm so grateful for Janelle's call and her lovely words of advice and her time. She's an extremely busy woman but always finds time to speak with me. She has avenues to help me channel my frustrations/ideas. So, some things are in the works. I'll be making the sunflower corsages for the upcoming party in the park on July 24th (if anyone would like to help volunteer that day or with ideas/skills beforehand, let me know). I'm also gathering some homemade canned (jarred) goods for the silent auction. There will be a coloring station where Alexa's picture will be available to color and perhaps there's a way to get photos taken of that to send to her family. There are a few other bigger projects in mind, too.

 

I have to turn my sadness/frustrations into a positive or I'll lose my mind.