Vacation

 Lots of sun and fun were had. The kids were so excited. Celia especially as she’s never been on a plane before. She was just giddy about riding that plane.

 

The morning we left we almost had a Home Alone situation as our alarm clocks did go off. Well, Dereks didn’t go off at all and mine did but no one heard it, it was so quiet.

 

Luckily, we didn’t oversleep too much but we had to be out the door by 5:10AM so we could get to my mom's and the airport on time. It ended up being perfect timing.

 

Mom reserved a wheelchair for me at the airport so I wouldn’t tire out (and I could keep up) before we even got to the resort and I’m glad she did because it was very far and would have taken me ages to catch to them without it.

 

I will say it’s hard accepting the wheelchair because my pride is telling me “get your ass up and walk, somebody else out there needs this more than you.” The looks you receive also aren’t the funnest. So, I learned to just look at the floor in front of me so I couldn’t see others passing judgment/wondering eyes.

 

After we boarded, Delta has a seat open between all passengers. Celia asked to sit with me so she hopped over to the window seat just beaming with excitement. She got a piece of gum to help her ears on the flight. Take off was great, she wasn’t scared at all and I’m not sure I’ve seen her smile that big ever.

 

We got settled watching movies and about 45 minutes into our 4-hour flight, Celia throws up. Three times. One right after the other. Filled her mask, her seat, the floor. Uffda. Airport cinnamon roll all over the place. Derek took her to change and mom and I cleaned up a pool of puke.

 

Thankfully, it was just that episode from overeating an airport cinnamon roll, but what a way to start out! At the airport in Mexico, they got us to our bus very quickly and off to the resort.

 

Even the resort was pretty good about masks. Outside was ok to be without them but everywhere else you needed them.

 

The first two days were great though after we checked in our rooms weren’t ready so they held our bags (with all the sunscreen in them) and sent us to the buffet and beach. So for about 3.5 hours, we had no sunscreen and we all fried. That did not feel so good for the first few days.

 

But, I was feeling pretty good, I was about 6-7 days out from chemo. I had a bit of nausea left so I brought my pills with but overall felt good. We laid on the beach, kids swam in the pool, got the kids some henna tattoos, hair braids, and it was amazing.

 

By the end of day two, my energy was diminishing. I missed Celia at the contest she won. Luckily, everyone took pictures and videos. My legs were both starting to hurt. Mind you, I haven’t done anything physically in nearly a year, have barely gone anywhere, and chemo has basically deteriorated my muscles to nothing. Lots of muscle atrophy happening so this was the first time in nearly a year I’ve had to exert myself and/or push myself to be “normal.”

 

My calves and Achilles’ tendons were sore. My back and pelvis were hurting and stiff. The beds definitely didn’t help so I wasn’t sleeping much either.

 

After the dolphin excursion, we had to climb this ladder to get out. The first rung on the ladder was big so I used my good leg to step up while pulling myself with my arms. Out of instinct, I then used my bad leg on the next step, which I shouldn’t have done. I pushed up hard because that leg is much weaker than the left from the surgery. Normally, I almost always have pain in front by the groin/pelvis area but this step popped something in the back. I could feel deep inside the back by the pelvis that something didn’t like that ladder. Too late now.

 

I sat the rest of the day out while the kids enjoyed the water park. I’ve never been a big water park fan anyway but I had hoped to do a couple things with the kids. When we got back to the hotel, I was utterly burned out energy-wise and now I was worried I really hurt myself. I stayed back while everyone went to dinner just to take a bath and relax.

 

It really sucks knowing I couldn’t keep up with everyone else and that once again, cancer is at the forefront of my brain. Can’t it just take a backseat and I can pretend I’m like everyone else for a little bit? The whole trip I kept trying to tell myself, “for right now, you don’t have cancer, have fun.” Unfortunately, my physical body is a constant reminder.

 

Though I’m saddened I missed out on some things, I’m so happy we went and the kids had an absolute blast! I hope it’s a trip they never forget and never associate with mom having to sit out. They really deserved this. Seeing them enjoy themselves so much (maybe towards the end, too much) was so special.

 

The flight back felt a lot longer. It wasn’t of course, but it felt like it. My body hurt and I was so tired. Boarding the plane the flight attendant asked, “bad knees?” - “Nope, surgeries,” I responded. Tried to keep the reply short and sweet but we all know it’s much more complicated than that.

 

I  nodded off briefly on the plane. It’s now very apparent I’ve used muscles I haven’t in a long time. My calves, lower back, mid-back, and abs (ha, who are we kidding, I don’t have abs…ab area) hurts, too. Mostly on the right side of my navel. I tried hard not to look/act helpless so instead of taking Derek's hand (that he offered almost always)  to help me up off the lounge chairs I’d do it myself but I’m now paying price.

 

I’m so happy it went as well as it did but it’s another reminder of how different my life is now and might be forever. It’s definitely something I need to process and cope with. Because I know myself well enough… I can and probably will push myself hard to be like everyone else and suffer for it later. I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do but it will happen because I’m stubborn. How do you accept a change like this? How do you learn to live within your new limitations when you’ve spent your whole life until now being one way?

 

I hope the next trip we’re able to take is better and I can manage a bit better. I don’t want to have to miss out at least not in the areas that my kids are involved. I hope no matter what the trip was magical to them. I hope they never ever forget it and know how much they deserved this.