Living for the NOW

I'm trying to be much better about the "NOW" and not put as much effort into later. I've spent basically all of my adult life worrying about the future, the later. It's added much-needed stress, anxiety, and worry into my life which I don't think has helped me out at all.

 

However, I don't want to take my long-term goals away either. If I can do things now, I'm going to try to do them. I use to have a spontaneous side. I feel like life has been really beaten that out of me and I want that side to myself back.

 

So, with that being said, I'm going to try to bring back some spontaneity. One thing we had briefly talked about and were trying to plan for next winter was a trip with the kids and mom/Brent. We've done a LOT of road trips to see family in New Mexico with the kids, and taken them to WI Dells but we've actually never gone anywhere as a family any other time/place. So, we bumped up Mexico to next week, we leave Monday. I just kept thinking, "we have no idea where I'll be in a year, could be better off than I am now or could be far worse." I didn't want to wait. Though I'm still on chemo, the trip will line up great with my "second week to live" plans going forward and Derek is still off work a few more days so it seemed to line up perfectly. I'm very excited but also VERY nervous. All other cycles on chemo I've spent very quarantined so not only am I trying something new with my "second week of living" aspect but my first try will be our family vacation that we greatly bumped up. I'm tingling with nervousness but buzzing with excitement.

 

The kids are so excited, Celia mostly as she's never been on a plane before. I just hope this round of chemo doesn't throw me a wrench and I end up sicker longer than normal. I can't wait to see these brave kids of mine get the break they need. Some FUN! I truly don't think people realize how HARD all this has been on the kids. Celia more so because Connor does get "outs" on occasions with his dad. He stays there a month or two at a time, quarantines, then comes home. Celia though is here every single day. My good days, my bad days, but no kids to play with, not even when her friends get home from their normal school. No interaction at all. Half the time Celia is my biggest help. Getting me things I need, helping with house chores, sometimes even helping me walk because I need something to lean on. If I'm being completely honest, this second-week living is a risk I'm willing to take for her. The trip is needed for us all, but starting the one week of normal each cycle is definitely for her. I'm sick of seeing her sad, asking me when she will get to see friends again, and her nodding silently and accepting it when I simply shrug my shoulders with tears in my eyes because I can't answer that for her. So whether or not this is a smart idea on my end, it's NEEDED.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't have plans really other than to do chemo but I saw a half-off ad for a photoshoot the other day and thought how perfect to do an empowering cancer photoshoot to boost my spirits, get some tough, some raw, some gentle moments captured for my story and to share with all of you for encouragement. I'm so sick of cancer being taboo. From what I'm seeing, cancer is EVERYWHERE and it's so hush-hush, people don't like talking about it, don't like showing it, or know how to act sometimes with a person who has cancer. It's an uncomfortable topic. I completely get it but I DO want to try to change that.

 

So, yesterday we got up at 7, blood draw at 8, wait for 4 hours, get pre-meds, and finally hooked up and left after 4.5 hours. That was ridiculously long for my chemo hook-up. Again, the issue with my rare cancer, weird chemo that small areas don't know what to do with. They don't have premade bags of my chemo, they actually have to make and get it attached to my IV box, etc. We didn't have time for breakfast, now we had to miss lunch because our photoshoot is at 1 O'clock, it's now 12:30 and we have to get to the appointment. They requested we text at ten to 1 to be let in. At 1 they let us in, they had sanitized everything, had a mask on, and the makeup gal had mask and face shield on. She even offered to wear gloves while doing my hair and makeup. I told her just to wash her hands very well so she did and then sanitized after that. She did an amazing job, though I'm not used to this amount of makeup. I might need a putty knife to scrape it all off. Yes, I slept in it, I love these lashes!!! They're so heavy they make me have this sultry look at all times, unintentionally, haha.

 

Anyway, everything was done was tasteful, though still shows some intimate areas, shots, so I'm working through some self-doubt in order to show them all to everyone. Some they showed me are so incredible I'm chomping at the bits to see them again and show them to you. Others, while still amazing are personal but I still want everyone to see them because it's part of me, my story, and real. I can't change it, I can't change me physically, but I can embrace that and so I'm trying to do that. Hope you're all along for the ride.

 

Then after that, I had Derek grab Papa Murphy's pizzas and asked if we could just come over to Ellie's house. She's been quarantining (along with another couple friend of ours and their awesome kids)  to be able to let her kids and Celia play over spring break for which I'm forever grateful. I grabbed them a pizza too and we headed back home to take care of the pups, the other couple friend pulled in right behind us to drop off a birthday gift and some cute cards the kids made so I drug them along for pizza and cake, too. The last half of the day exactly what I wanted for my birthday. Pizza, cake, good friends, and letting the kids BE KIDS. It's so few and far between these days that it makes my mama heart so happy when it does happen. The only thing that could have made it better would be having ALL my important people there but such is life. But know I thought of you all yesterday, and I love and miss you. Hopefully, see you soon-ish.

 

In the end, I think good things are happening, I'm feeling proud of myself lately, trying not to get too down on myself and things not moving as fast as I'd like them to. I think I'm making good progress in my life and bettering myself. I think these new things in our life are just what we all need, just hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. So, fingers crossed for more good things to come.

 

Thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday (and some today) I really appreciate the time out of your days for the message! Heard loud and clear! LOVE you all!