Hooray!

I cannot even begin to express how I feel right now. The majority of me feels over the moon FANTASTIC! A small portion of me feels scared, and an even smaller portion of me is just confused.

 

This moment, right now, could mean SO many things! It could mean "I'm done," it could mean "I'm on a break (length is undetermined), or it could mean "see you soon, love cancer." This moment could mean a million things for me.

 

I truly don't even know how to process this… Because I don't know if it's dead and gone, I'm not even sure how to live right now. I know I need time to heal and recoup in general, my body is literally depleted. I need to regain strength, energy, muscle tone…

 

But do I send the kids back to school? Do try to find a job I can physically handle? Can I handle a job? If not now, when? Do I try to go on as I would have if I had not had cancer? Do I flip the page and start completely new, from scratch? I can't/won't live in constant fear. I refuse to.

 

I can't let that darkness hover over me. I know I will have bad days, probably a lot of them, but I want to live right, live strong, really LIVE for those that couldn't/can't right now. Yes, it might (and probably will) come back again but right now… I get a chance to live again. I just don't know what living looks like for me on the day to day basis right now. I guess that's another bridge I'll have to cross now that I'm at this bridge.
 

My mind is just blown right now. So much is whirling through my mind and I can't catch a thought long enough to break it apart and digest it. I know a year might not seem like a long time to you but to me, it's felt like a lifetime. It's been a battle every single day. If I'm not physically fighting, I'm mentally fighting and vice versa.

 

I don't have to quarantine so hard and can finally see everyone when I choose to, and I can go where ever I want again. Can you imagine!? I can't. Instead of living in 3-week intervals, I can now live in 2-3 month intervals. Well, potentially anyway.

 

Now what? What does this mean for me and my family? What should I do? Or rather, what should I do first? How do you celebrate something like this? I can literally look at my calendars and not see appointments all over it!

 

I feel like the universe knows something I don't. I was supposed to have an echocardiogram today. Normally, I've never missed an appointment or even rescheduled one. If Mayo scheduled me for something, I was always there, period. Also, any missing/canceling/rescheduling would normally send me into a panic/anxiety attack mode. But, last night I decided I wasn't going to this appointment so I woke up and called to reschedule it. They made it for Thursday then re-called again and said the following Monday. Now, they canceled the appointment altogether because I won't be doing that next round of chemotherapy.

 

The little neighbor girl (my daughter's best friend) told the Sunday School teacher last Sunday we would be back in church next Sunday, which again, I don't believe in coincidences so did she know? I know these things seem small but that's definitely something I've learned on my spiritual part of the journey, there are signs everywhere if you're willing to see them. Most of them are not big.

 

Then I was literally hanging up with my mom to call the LA oncologist to get his input on what I should do when Mayo called to say we should hold off on more chemo. So, signs?? I just feel like there are bigger things happening in the universe that I don't know about. Whatever they may be, I'm so happy for them right now.

 

 I cannot believe it. 60 whole days before I need to do anything! If I could physically jump up and down, I would! Maybe I'll hop up and down on my good leg for a bit! Well, if you get the chance to celebrate a bit for me, do it! I'm going to have a girls' day this weekend with my besties and one with my mom. Can't wait! Now let's all pray very hard that this cancer is DEAD and never returns, or at least not for a very very very long time! Cheers!