Chicago and Life Thoughts

  

I have never in my life wanted to visit Chicago. It was never on a bucket list or even a thought that crossed my mind. Truthfully, any time I have been on a road trip, I did my damnedest to completely avoid Chicago altogether.

 

However, Chicago was actually a pretty amazing place. The art, murals, architecture were all amazing. Everywhere you looked there was something beautiful to see. I always assumed based on the news and hearsay that Chicago was an awful wasteland and the people were dangerous and evil. I was pleasantly surprised that everyone was "Minnesota Nice" to the max. The few people I did interact with were kind. I didn't feel scared when walking around the city or thought that I was in danger at any real-time.

 

It was entirely pointless to drive around the city though. Nowhere has free parking so instead we left the car in the VERY expensive parking ramp the hotel rented out to us and used Uber's the rest of the time. We did walk the 6-7 blocks to the appointment on Tuesday though but took an Uber back because I was exhausted at that point.

 

I'm not entirely sure what to say about the appointment I had. Dr. Pollack was nice enough I suppose however I thought he was a bit cynical. He went over the clinical trial, the process, how it works, what would be expected of me, etc. He asked for my full story and I told him. When I told him about my pathology results being good, that's when he was kind of cynical. He kind of leaned back in his chair and his hand on his chin and said, "yeahhhh…. All I'm going to say is that’s good, I'm GLAD you got good results." With a cynical smirk. I told him I understood that this cancer comes back, that's what it does, and he nodded with a grin. Basically telling me to not get too comfortable with those results.

 

Overall, I know that particular trial is NOT for me. It did, however, make me appreciate where I'm at right now. I'm lucky to be where I'm at, at this particular point in time. 

 

Today, I feel kind of "jet-lagged," my body is just tired. I don't feel bad mentally but I feel like I need to sleep a bunch to catch up from the last few days being a lot more than my body is used to lately.

 

I've spent a lot of my "down-time" thinking about life. I've thought about its good times, bad times, unfair times, etc. I think I'm slowly starting to digest the idea of living with cancer and even about the possibility of death without as much fear.

 

If I'm completely honest, death itself has never really scared me, it’s the being without all of my loved ones that causes me to hurt and be fearful. If I take them out of the equation in my head, then I'm perfectly ok and accepting of the idea that it might happen. If I take away the thoughts of death in terms of my family/friends, it's a whole different view. I know that God will welcome me and I'll be in my forever home then. But thinking about death in terms of my family/friends, it's like pre-experiencing the hurt that is there before I'm even gone. It's like soaking up all the feelings of hurt others would experience when I die, but I'm still here.

 

I know it's weird but that's what empaths do. We constantly feel. Feel our own ups and downs but others, too. Even sometimes before it even happens or if we are simply just reading about it. So, I've already experienced the hurt 100 times over, not because of how I'm feeling, but because I can feel the hurt others have/will have when that time comes.

 

My biggest fear, in all honesty, is living my life in pain, or in a way I wouldn't want to live. Hearing about the first trial, as I said right now I am lucky that I don't need to take such an extreme step, but if my cancer got bad enough that I started thinking that trial might be what I need, I would rather just call it quits and try to live the rest of the life I do have. I know that I have children and family/friends that want me around and I obviously want to be around, too, but there may come a day that fighting back isn't in my best interest. Everyone dies, that's a fact of life I have to come to grips with as well as everyone else. I think I'm slowly accepting that now.

 

No, it isn't fair, but I can't change it. I can accept it though and just live the way I want to until I can't anymore. One of the hardest parts of cancer is hearing people say (typically when I'm already upset and having a bad day) is "Well everybody dies, I could die tomorrow." Thanks, Karen, I fucking know that. But are you literally walking around KNOWING your body is betraying you and that death is likely much sooner than planned? No, you're not. The funny part of that is that usually the people saying that to me are the older people who have more than double the lifetime I have right now or who have at least experienced a lot. Namely, with their own children. They've watched them go to prom, get married, have grandbabies, etc. I feel like saying that to me is rude and a cop-out.

 

Of course, I realize everyone dies and that at any moment I could be killed walking out my front door, the difference is like if you had a bomb strapped to your back. You never know when it will detonate and you still have to do everything you normally would but there's a bomb strapped to you. The anxiety of living with a bomb on your back, wouldn't be very fun, would it? Well, that's kind of what cancer is like.

 

Now, go find some time-operated explosive, have a stranger set when it is to go off, then live your life like normal. If you'd like to then tell me, "well, everybody dies, I could die tomorrow" with a bomb strapped to you, I'd accept it. Until then, please shut up with that line.

 

I'm learning to accept that I could die but it doesn't make it easy. I'm putting a LOT of work into myself in hopes that I can overcome cancer while also walking a delicate line of realism knowing that that may not happen for me.

 

I'm doing literally everything I can to try to both overcome cancer but also allow me to feel semi-comfortable with not. I'm listening to my oncologist, I've also hired a holistic doctor and therapist, I'm pushing forward with my idea to help Rein In Sarcoma with my crafts (which have some cool ideas/stuff coming), I started a support group on FB for sarcoma patients, I'm reading books, taking supplements, I'm slowly adapting what I consume (food, pop, sweets, etc), so I WILL NOT be able to look back and say I didn't try EVERYTHING in my power to help myself.

 

I know there may come a day when I don't want to be treated by a medical doctor and though that may seem scary to some, I hope if/when that day comes, you all will accept my decision. It's not easy living on this side of the fence but a lot of it spent trying to accept what you can't change. So, if I come to that point, I hope you will join me there and not put blame or hatred onto me for it. It would not be a decision made lightly, but IF it happens, know it would not be a snap decision for me.

 

I'm learning. Each and every day I learn a bit more. About myself, about life, about the dynamics in relationships I have with certain people, what I want in life, and just WHO I want to be inside. I'm learning ultimately, to love myself. I know, I know, how could I not just love this awesome self, haha, but there's a lot of trauma in me and a lot of bad in there with the good. I'm learning how to shed the bad and be a better me. I'm truly enjoying who I am and what I'm doing.

 

Again, without cancer, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'd still be anxiety-ridden, looped into the same dull lifeless routine I hated so much. So, it hasn't been all bad. I'm discovering so much and enjoying so much. Just seeing nature or my daughter holding my hand really deeply means something now. It's more than what it was before. I'm appreciating more. I'm so happy I'm in the place that I'm in right now. I guarantee I'll meltdown again at some point but right now I'm basking in peace.