Birthday Curse

 I swear people think I'm crazy. Maybe I am? After basically 11 years together, Derek sees it and acknowledges it. A few of my friends see it, too.

 

I'm not sure why it happens, honestly. Every single year, around my birthday, bad stuff just tends to happen. Hence, why I don't enjoy celebrating my birthday. It just feels wrong.

 

This year was no different. I thought maybe if I ignored my usual doom and gloom around this time, maybe just maybe, it just wouldn't happen this year.

 

Obviously, my actual birthday didn't go too bad this year (usually the bad stuff happens within a few days, or up to 2 weeks around my birthday-I guess it likes to keep me on my toes.) but Derek immediately acknowledged all the time-delayed stuff on my birthday as the bad news. "I'm not saying we're cursed or anything, but it's like the world just wants us to constantly wait and be on other people's time. We always get stuck waiting on everyone else." He said.

 

I nodded but knew better. Usually, the bad stuff around my birthday is bigger, worse, sometimes even deadly. So time being wasted was not on my list of bad things to happen. I've had very loved dogs die, a guy commit suicide, horrible relationship stuff, illness/death, cancer-related stuff, the list could go on and on.

 

The day after my birthday, drama ensued around the house. We had Celia's friend Mac over for spring break. Her family had quarantined, including her grandma, and aunt with whom she'd spent time during her quarantine time. Turns out her grandma found out she had Covid. Ellie (Mac's mom) called to get Mac back home ASAP and to get her tested. So, the house on top of other family disputes, this happens.

 

Then I get a message from my friend, Erich. He also has Myxoid Liposarcoma and has been such an amazing friend and confidant throughout my journey. He has his scans and his results were back. They were awful. My heart sank into my stomach and I started to cry. I'm sick of the bad in this world. Especially, the bad happening to good people. I know there's a reason, maybe many reasons, that I simply just don't understand, but that doesn't mean it's not fair and it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

 

"Boy I just got bad fuckin' news…my shit is out of control. New tumor growth all over growing fast as hell…it's real bad." He typed. He hadn't had a scan of his chest since September for some reason and he now has a new fast-growing tumor within the chest wall pressing on his lungs and other things. His liver mets have grown as well.

 

There it is. The birthday curse. The something that takes all the joy out of the world for me around this time of year. The something that can't be undone and hits my soul like a knife to the heart.

 

It's not fair. It hurts my heart. Not only do I worry for myself and my own family. But I worry and hurt for his, and others like us. His mother is amazing, one of the kindest women I've had the pleasure to meet. His fiancé is incredible and deserves a life-time with him.

 

At this point, what is there to say? I know there's nothing I can say or do to make him feel better. I've had the bad news results and there's no way to describe the shock, the hurt, the fear, and there's no right or wrong way to process it, but it's not easy. When people tell me things like, "we all have to die someday" as a means to make me feel better I want to just scream. Have you ever had a doctor look at you with those eyes? Have you had to hear the doctor say those horrible words? You have cancer. Basically, if you want to live you're going to have to fight like hell to do so? And even if you fight like you've never fought before, we can't guarantee you'll live anyway?

 

I would love to think I'm braver than that. That I could hear and see those things without getting upset. I'd love to take in all that information and be ok with it because "it's part of life," but that's just not how it happens. I can say however, Erich is far braver than I.

 

I'm trying to do a lot in the sarcoma world. I want to leave my stamp on the world of sarcoma. I feel like I have to do my part, it's my responsibility to help out. But, the more I do, the more I meet amazing people. The more amazing people I meet, the more I have to accept the loss of these people and potentially myself at some point. While trying to do good, there's just so much bad that seems to be inevitable. The balance is off in this world. There needs to be more good than bad. I hope to help tip the scales into the better category. Which in the end will it really matter anyway? If I'm gone, who's going to do it?

 

My friend said to me the other day, "Everyone goes back to normal. While I'm still disabled and you're still sick. People just go back home and we're more or less forgotten about. That's life for us." Sadly, she's not wrong. It's no one's fault but it's the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts. I know that no one can cater to us or fully understand life on this side but it does hurt. Until you live it every day, you just don't understand. I hope you never have to understand it either.

 

Anyway, I had to go back to the clinic yesterday if I wanted the Neulasta shot (to help bump up my immune system), and immediately the nurse apologized for the other day. She said they reported the "incident" which was really just us waiting so long and neither Derek nor I even said anything about it. Anyway, I got my shot. "In the abdomen or the back of the arm?" She asked. Definitely, the arm, thanks. "Ok, it's going to sting." Yes, it definitely did. She advised me to take a Claritin when I got home to help with the pain the shot can sometimes inflict. I took the Claritin about 11:15 that afternoon when we got home, only a half-hour from the shot.

 

By the time I woke up from a nap, my neck, back, arms, face, shoulders, and right hip/leg all hurt. I feel beaten and bruised all over except my left side abdomen and down that side. All in all, I don't feel great. I'm hoping the pain subsides. It seems to have a bit already now today some. I'm still exhausted even after sleeping most of yesterday afternoon and all night and some this morning. I'm really hoping this shot does something because otherwise it really wasn't worth it. This pain sucks.

 

I hope I start feeling better asap. I hope my friend gets a miracle. I hope no one else has to suffer or get bad news. I hope the world starts waking up and good starts flowing through every single person on this planet. I hope there's more love than hate going forward. That's all I want right now. Love.