Acceptance is hard

It’s a weird day today. Normally, I’d be starting chemo. I wanted to finally start doing some normal stuff around the house.

 

Derek had been off work to help me so I’m slightly ashamed to say he’s done pretty much everything around the house. Now that he’s back to work I wanted to start getting back into the swing of things. Dishes, cleaning, laundry, cooking, the works.

 

I guess I didn’t think those simple tasks would deplete me so much so quickly. I’m not sure why I thought that. My brain is obviously more ready to go than my body is. I only got through sweeping, making Thai coconut curry soup, and the dishes (but barely). By then my back hurt and my energy was gone.

 

There’s so much to be done, so much I wanted/want to do. I know, I know, I need to be patient with myself, but I don’t think of “time” in the same way anymore.

 

It’s a weird concept. I mostly think of time and what I can do based on how I feel each day. I’m trying to be more spontaneous. Say yes more to experience and no to stress. I’m trying to be kinder to myself when I can’t do things BUT it’s still hard to admit it to myself sometimes that I’m just not “normal.”

 

It’s hard to admit I can’t do things the way I use to. I have to adapt how I do things and when. I can’t get something done “quick” and anything I do sucks the bit of energy I do have so I have to take breaks. It’s not up to my “normal” standard. I don’t like it but I’m learning and trying to adjust to my “new normal.” Boy, am I sick of that phrase.

 

I should be so grateful. I mean, I am grateful, but when I struggle it’s hard to simply accept the changes when I know myself without cancer and what I am capable of.

 

My friend, Erich, is struggling so much more than I am right now. His time is dwindling, very hard decisions need to be made, and my heart hurts for him, for his wonderfully sweet mother, his new bride, and honestly, myself. He’s been part of my journey from the beginning. He’s listened to all my rants, answered all my questions, he’s allowed me to come to visit him and his mom, invited me to his wedding. So many ups but so many downs.

 

I don’t want to lose him. I’m not ready. If I’m not ready, then I know those that are even closer to him aren’t ready. Time. Time runs out on us all. I have to accept that.

 

Acceptance is hard. I’m trying so hard today to just accept what I cannot change. To accept that each of us has our own life path. No, it isn’t fair. Yes, it hurts so so much. But, everything has a reason, a purpose, even if I can’t comprehend it.

 

But, I don’t want to accept it.

 

Today just isn’t what I’d hoped it be. My tears can’t save Erich. My anger can’t take away my physical limitations.

 

I have to trust God, trust my intuition, but still, acceptance isn’t something I’m ready for. I need to dry my eyes and pick myself up. But not right now. Right now I need to grieve and learn acceptance.

 

Maybe tomorrow.