The Yes Man

 This is going to be a touchy subject. I'm just going to throw this out there right now because I feel like people are asking me a lot "why I don't ask for help."

 

This experience has shown me so much about myself and others in my life. I notice how people treat me, react to me, things they say, and sometimes what they really mean without actually having to say it.

 

Almost every single person in my life has, at one point or another, said to me, "Let me know if you need anything." Or "if you need something, all you have to do is ask." Or "I can't read your mind, if you need something you NEED to tell me."

 

I constantly think about that. I constantly think, "yes, I should ask for help." That thought is quickly disregarded because there are usually other remarks made along with those statements.

 

I call it the "up-front guilt trip." Let me give you an example. I'm calling with the intent to ask for help. I ask how they're doing or what's going on today. Small talk. They usually around this point will start to probably get the hint that I'm calling because I need something so then said person will go into all the things they have to do or how stressed they are or plans they need to get done THEN they'll say, "let me know if you need anything!"

 

Yeah, let me go ahead and ask for help after you already pre-guilt tripped me out of asking. I know we are all guilty of doing it but when people are constantly asking me why I don't ask for help, this is why.

 

Then there's the other group of people who if asked for help or asked to do something say, "yes, but I have to do this and that and ask so and so. So, maybe this day and this time." It ends up being only on their schedule when it's convenient for them and then I or the others involved are having to rearrange their schedules just to have that person involved. Once again, it makes it hard and uncomfortable to even ask because I'm left feeling as if I'm an afterthought. Or they have to force me into their schedule even if they don't want to.

 

Me asking for help is the absolute last thing I ever want to do. It makes me feel incapable, weak, uncomfortable and just all around disgusted. I know that no one WANTS to jump up, drop their shit,  and come to the rescue. I know that if I hadn't called or hadn't asked, they'd have other plans for their time. So, I choose not to ask very often.

 

The funny part is that I have one friend I call a "yes man." I learned that term from her because she always calls me her "yes man." I had no clue what that meant and asked her to elaborate.

 

She said it's a person who will no matter what, drop their issues and their stuff to help out because they know you typically don't ask for help. So if you ARE asking for help, you actually need it. Whether it's on a physical, emotional, or mental level.

 

The part that is hard for me to wrap my brain around is she is the absolute last person I SHOULD be asking for help because she has the most struggles I know of out of the people in my life but yet, she's always the person that no matter what she has going on; pain, kids, plans, life. She is there. She never pre-guilt trips me. She never says, "Oh sure, but not until later or tomorrow." It's just a simple, "yes, I can help, what do you need?"

 

These people are rare. Maybe we are the crazy ones? I just know personally, I understand how hard it is to ask for help. It's not an easy or comfortable thing to do. I also know who in my life asks for help when it's really needed and those who would rather swallow a flaming sword than have to ask for someone else to come and help them with something.

 

Because I've typically been a "yes man" it's hard to understand others who are not. I assume it's the same for people who aren't "yes men" when thinking "why on earth would someone drop all their stuff for others when it could wait."

 

Well, that's the thing about me, and my friend, if we ARE asking for help odds are we've long since put it off. We've already tried and failed, tried and exhausted ourselves, or just long overdue, we should have asked a long time ago.

 

We understand that about each other. I'm not sure it's always good or healthy to be "yes men" but I wanted to write about why I don't typically ask for help. It literally comes down to the approach. Of course, I'm not going to ask you after you just laid out all of your issues, stressors, plans, etc before you say, "oh don't forget I'm here to help."

 

No, you wanted to offer your assistance so you felt good for offering but you wanted me to really question myself if I needed that help. That's how it seems/feels anyway on my end.

 

I met and signed up with a holistic doctor recently. I had my first appointment and she said typically the people with cancer are the people who hold everyone else up and don't take time for themselves. Everything she said before I even told her how I was in life, she explained as if she already knew my personality type and traits. It was as if she was describing me to me.

 

It made me question a lot of things. Should I really be a "yes man" to a lot of people in my life if they aren't for me? I'm not sure I could ever change that about myself if I tried. I know what it's like to struggle and to feel utterly alone. So, I don't want anyone else to feel that way, but I should be putting that effort into those who do that for me.

 

I guess I feel like I need to put as much effort into others as the same amount they give to me? That seems awful. I truly don't think I could do that but on the flip side, I don’t understand how others couldn't do it.

 

This "phase" (I hope it is only a phase) of my life is so emotional and so confusing. But this is something I felt I had to get out of my system and address. People always after the fact say, "why didn't you just ask for help." Well, this is why.

 

I don't know if people do it intentionally or unintentionally but either way that's why I don't ask anyone for their help. I'd rather suffer through my own personal demons than put myself out there to feel guilty for having asked at all. The last thing I want to feel right now is guilty because I am incapable.