I am leading you on the right path

 Yesterday was hard. I had laid awake all night, Friday night, into yesterday. That pit in my stomach. My body buzzing with worry and anxiety. I messaged Dr. Tseng right away Saturday morning, hoping he would see my message on a weekend and shed some light on my CT scan results. He replied and asked to make sure I see my actual oncologist on Monday, not the PA. He said to print the CT report from his office just a couple weeks ago and share it with my oncologist to compare. He also requested to see my scans personally. However, he said based solely on the report I got Friday night, it's showing growth according to Mayo. My heart sank. The anxiety skyrocketed. I instantly started to cry and wonder why? Why did Mayo send me that report? 

Usually, any radiological scans/reports are automatically on a 72-hour hold so that a patient has time to see their doctor and hear the results from them before they read/see it on their patient portal. So someone, somewhere intentionally sent that to me early without a call to explain. Which hurt most of all because I had just called Wednesday to say they needed to start treating me like a person instead of an object on an assembly line. Then this happens. The first time this has happened at Mayo, so now the evil little voice in the back of my head is saying they did this on purpose. Which I know is not the case but I can't help but think about it. Derek tried to console me. I told him to just let me be, let me cry alone. 

After a while, I finally came out of the room and tried to engage in life. I saw Celia, smiling at me, asking if I had a stuffy nose. I nodded and couldn't help but start crying again. I sat down and just hugged her so tight. I told her to always remember how much I love her and that she is so strong, beautiful, kind, and to always be that way. She cried, not understanding why I'm crying. And I don't plan to explain it all to her. She's been so strong through this. As I hugged her I noticed a calendar Derek hung up on the wall. I hadn't noticed it before because it was on a sidewall in the computer room where we don't usually put things. It was open to February and the top read, "I am leading you on the right path." I did a quick double-take. I tried to remind myself that, yes, I am being lead down the right path, my path. However, it doesn't make the path any easier. 

My mom took me out to distract me a bit which helped a little. I actually got a decent night's sleep that was desperately needed. I woke up today not wanting to leave my bed. Not wanting to fight today. I just want to be swallowed by the bed and slip into darkness. But, instead, I knew that meant I NEEDED to go to church. So, I got ready and went to church. Though I stayed downstairs so I could continue to cry if I needed. 

Ellie, my friend, and neighbor decided to stay with me. She has a way of understanding like most others don't. She has her own struggles and has personality/thought processes similar to mine so she knows what to say that actually ends up making sense to me. I was having my pity party there with her, wondering why me, what did I do wrong, hasn't my life been hard enough? I've tried so hard to be a good person, and when I'm not it eats me up inside, and I try hard to do good things, so WHY me? 

I cried on and off, telling her that I shouldn't even feel bad but I can't help it. I'm shocked, confused, scared. I feel guilty when I cry for myself knowing so many others have it worse and I am always reminded to that day of getting my port. Seeing that child going through this fight. I'm constantly wondering about their mother. The agony she must be feeling. It's one thing to be fighting, it's another to be a mother WATCHING the fight, without being able to help, to fix, like mothers do. 

Ellie said, "wouldn't you if offered to take the pain away from someone else, take on the pain and burden yourself?" I said, "Yes, in a heartbeat." Ellie asked, "If God said to you, "I'm going to give Celia this cancer." wouldn't you do anything to keep her from this?" I cried a bit harder and said, "Yes." This reminded me of a few months ago when I was still doing chemo. Celia all of a sudden had multiple lumps on her head and neck. Perfectly round lumps and I made Derek take her in right away. We were both worried that maybe, just maybe, she now had some sort of cancer. I dropped to my knees and bartered with God. I begged him to keep her free of this disease, or any disease and illness. I would take it all on if it meant she would never have to know this struggle personally. Ellie then said, "Maybe that's WHY you're the one he chose to fight this. Because you WOULD take this on for someone else." Maybe I did make that deal with God at some point before I started my earthly life? Because I know without a doubt, I would take this on every time if it meant saving someone else. 

She also said that maybe my cancer journey isn't about what I need to learn. It might be what others need to learn. Or maybe it will be a configuring factor in the people my children will one day be. She gave an example of maybe this will one day lead Celia or Connor to become involved with medical and going on to do great things and being an important people to lots of other people in your situation. She's right. Maybe this isn't necessarily a punishment for me, but a learning experience for others. 

I told her how I felt like a burden to everyone, especially Derek and the kids and that I've several times told Derek that if he wants to leave, he should now while I have a bit of dignity left. Derek deserves a wife he can travel with, be intimate with, spending time going on dates, spending time doing hobbies, someone to grow old with, not stuck here with his struggling wife. 

She said, "with my disability, I feel I burden my family, does that mean you'd tell me to divorce my husband?" I answered, no never. "So, then why is ok for you to do that?" She asked. "Because it's me and I have never had much self-worth." I've spent the better part of my life being told that I was worthless, wouldn't amount to anything, then completely thrown away by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, so in my eyes, I deserve poor treatment and for people to leave me. Ellie told me how unfair that statement was. She's right, but I don't know how to change that, yet. How does one gain self-worth? 

Anyway, I'm still hurt, I'm still scared, but I knew this was a possibility and likely outcome after surgery. I just didn't expect it so soon and with the positive results I was getting, this really took me by surprise along with the way Mayo handled sending me those results late at night before a weekend without a phone call. I still want to curl up and disappear, but I can't change it. This is my path, my life, and the outcome is not solely up to me. 

Doing more chemo scares me. I know I can physically handle it. I don't want to but I can. The hardest part is the timing. Once again, my children will have to suffer, too. Celia won't get a birthday party with friends because we will have to quarantine again. She, more than anyone, deserves a celebration. She deserves that birthday party with all of her friends and loved ones. It hurts to know that she won't even complain. She will suck it up without a fuss for me but deep inside she wishes she could be like all other kids with healthy mothers. Neither of the kids will get to be free, have social interaction, be normal. Mentally we all suffer when we have to be cooped up. I hope someday I am able to look back and say I beat this. I hope that's where my path leads. I want it so badly so that I can take my kids and let them celebrate all their hard work and selflessness during all of this. If I get that day, I'm going to let these kids be honored the way they should be. I want them to know that their sacrifices for me have not gone unseen and that good deeds DO get rewarded. 

 Another big thing that has been so hard lately is watching people I love and who love me, just sit there, watching me go through this awfulness and still just go about their lives. I don't mean the day to day work, home, I mean smoking, eating garbage constantly, letting their mental health just go to shit because they don't want to put the effort in to change. I have never really known anyone personally that I've had to watch go through this. I'm glad I didn't have to but my point is, how can you watch me and still not even TRY? I get change is hard and scary, but at least put effort into it. Don't just sit there and pretend it doesn't exist or ignore it because it'll just "go away." No, it won't until YOU work hard and address it. I truly don't understand it. And personally, it feels like a huge slap in the face. I just want everyone to be better, do better, save themselves from something like this because I really don't want to watch anyone else suffer through this. Living it is hard enough. 

So, I'm going to challenge you all. Pick one thing. Just one, and change it. Don't make excuses, don't brush it aside and ignore. Pick the biggest thing in your life that you don't like about yourself: a bad habit (smoking, drinking, not taking accountability, etc), mental health issues (anxiety, depression, etc), spending too much time on your phone, etc, and CHANGE IT. Stop procrastinating and fucking do it. No one is going to fix your problems except you. Now's the time. There's never a right time to start the process, but those things above are always the wrong time, that's why they're flaws. That's why they hinder us because they shouldn't have been there to begin with.