Frustrated

 This is the part of my anxiety and cancer journey I haven’t been able to tackle. I’m rarely anxious anymore. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that would normally not be done because I’d be paralyzed by anxiety. But when something unexpected happens or plans change I’m immediately going into break down mode. Like the other day with dinner. 

Yesterday I was irritated because once again Mayo just rescheduled appointments without telling/asking me. They always do that and I’m just supposed to show up in Rochester without any regard for my schedule, my life. They don’t give a fuck that it takes an hour to get there, I have to drop kids off, and an hour back. They didn’t ask if I was physically capable of getting there, if I can walk or not, if I could handle the tests, treating me like a damn job and not a human being. I asked yesterday to drop the MRI because I don’t think I can physically be in the machine for 1.5 hours without a lot of pain. 

Today they added it back and switched my other appointment times, too. Again without asking or telling me. It just shows in my patient portal. If I didn’t have that I wouldn’t even know about appointments. Immediately after seeing the changes and MRI added back I burst into tears. I couldn’t breathe or think just intense fear, confusion, and stress. I text Derek to come inside. He let me cry and scream and hugged me. He tried to call Mayo but I know better they won’t tell him anything and he won’t know what to say/ask other than yell. 

Why is Mayo this way? I feel like I’m on a factory assembly line. Get her in, take all her money with as many tests as possible, and kick her out in a shitty package that has a certified stamp stating how much care was put into its contents. Bullshit. 

I sent multiple messages and called to express myself. Dr. Ahmed’s (radiation oncologist) nurse called me back and gave me all the de-escalation lines medical personnel are trained to say. Said how much they care about me and how my best interest is in their heart. Actions speak louder than words and I have yet to feel that way. Period. Dr. Tseng is the only one who is genuine and treats me like a person. Talks to me how I deserve to be talked to. No one said anything about more radiation. 

No one said anything about more MRI’s. I do not want to get into the fucking machine again!!! If it’s based on doctors preference then they better start PREFERRING the CT. Both Dr. Tseng and Dr. Chawla said I just needed CT’s. So why both? Because of PREFERENCE!? When the MRI causes not only panic attacks for me but as I told them, causes me extreme pain if I’m in there that long after two major fucking surgeries?! Their response was that they could get me narcotics to help with pain for the MRI... How many times do I have to tell them I DON’T want to be pulled??  Yeah, you care about me alright. 

The nurse, Sarah, agreed to cancel the MRI until we see what the CT says and if it’s even necessary. I’m sick of vastly different plans and them not even asking me about MY care. I should get input, I should be asked, and explained my options but that’s never what it is. They just tell me what to do. I’m so exhausted and sick of it. Seriously, if I don’t advocate for myself then no one does. “My best interest” she said. If you wanted to know what was in MY best interest, you’d fucking ask me. 

 I was so proud of myself today up until this point. I got more coloring book pages made and sent to Janelle and I got my phlebotomy license renewed. I did all the CEU’s and was able to keep it active. Then all this. 

Something that again, seems simple sends me over the edge. So sick of these stupid explosive emotions. I’m sick of cancer. I’m just sick of everything. I hate days like today that get fucked up over something dumb and the rest of the day is a bust because I can't pick myself back up, yet. Tapping out for today.