Fear

 When you’re scared and I mean really scared, you feel cornered. Like you’re slowly getting backed up into a corner where you’ll be engulfed by your biggest fears. That’s how I feel right now. Cornered. 

My CT scan reports from yesterday are back in. This should determine my new based line without most of Bertha. My chest scans were good. “Clear results.” My pelvis scan was not so simply put. I’m not sure how to interpret them but from what I DID read it doesn’t sound ideal. Depending on what they are comparing it to and how they’re wording it, it’s sounding like some of it has already grown? It sounds as though it is spreading from the left behind tumor into new areas. Thank you Mayo for posting the results at 11:30pm on a Friday night so I can sit in agony all weekend. It’s a first they’ve given me scan results via the portal before seeing a doctor. I truly hope this isn’t the case. 

I hope it’s just the way they’re wording as to “what’s new now after surgery” and not “what’s new now that wasn’t there ever.” I hope you can see the distinction in what I’m trying to say there. Now I have to wait until Monday just to have someone explain the results to me. This is just a tiny blip of what the rest of my life will be like. Fear and anxiety over every scan and their results… if I ever get to NED or not, this is what it’ll be. It doesn’t help I haven’t been able to shake this weird funk I’ve been in the last few weeks. 

I just feel kind of numb and empty. I have moments that are good but my overall general feeling just isn’t so good. Getting that initial good news about my pathology report has put a weird weight on my shoulders. I feel grateful but like I can’t celebrate it because others haven’t been lucky to get great news like that. Then I feel like if I continue getting good news like that it obviously tells me I have a bigger purpose in life so I need to figure out what that is. If I don’t, I feel like it’ll be letting my family down, myself down, God down. 

What if I never figure out my purpose? But then again what if my purpose isn’t an ongoing life thing but instead, a moment? Maybe I’m meant to be here for a single moment in the future. I just don’t want to squander such a gift I’ve been given. Now, I’ve spent the better part of a couple weeks just feeling so crumby that I missed out on celebrating that pathology victory. I just feel stuck. I want so badly to be happy and reward all the victories but I’m trapped here in limbo. 

My friend was trying to lift my spirits and said to celebrate everything (we were talking about my upcoming birthday and I explained that my birthday is bad luck and I didn’t want to celebrate it.) because there was a time less than a year ago where we uncertain if I’d even get another birthday. We didn’t know what life would hold. She’s right. And I do want to celebrate it all but I’m just frozen here and can’t shake all these emotions pulling me in every direction. 

I think it’s because I don’t know what the heck or where the heck I am in terms of cancer right now. They removed the tumor, well, most of the tumor, but what they took was dead, mostly dead. So, am I considered NED, or do I still have cancer right now and where do I go with treatments. It’s all these thoughts and possibilities swirling around in my brain like a tornado. I’m on the brink of being NED and not being NED. If I make the wrong choice next week it could literally save me or ruin me going forward. I don’t want to fail this. Especially if these scans are right and it is already growing. 

I was watching my daughter play with friends tonight and one of them is this awesome little boy, just love him. I was thinking, “wow, I think these might be some of her “forever friends”.” The little boy said, “I love you” to her as we left. It just warmed my heart and like mother’s do we envision our babies growing up and doing beautiful things. I thought maybe this would be the boy she goes to prom with. Maybe one day they’ll get married. Or maybe they’ll just be good friends to call on one another when times get tough. It made me think wow, I want to be there to see where that friendship goes. Where my daughters' life goes. I can’t miss those moments. 

I am trapped between pushing through this darkness and being swallowed by it. I’m so grateful and at the same time, I’m upset by the unfairness of it all. I wish I could just let go and let the universe take over. I know in the end that’s what will happen anyway so why resist it? 

If I could just get out of this corner.