Double Standards

 I was thinking today while I drove home from visiting my gram about the signs I've had in my life. They are of course being looked at in hindsight now. 

I've always been an extremely empathic person and I get vibes from people and things. I can feel someone else's discomfort, embarrassment, sadness, anger, joy, genuineness, etc. I'm not sure why and maybe that attributes to a lot of my anxiety and stress. Maybe that attributes to the signs that I see and feel (or have felt) in my life. 

A couple examples: when I was younger, in my twenties, I had this strange irrational fear that I would suddenly be struck with appendicitis and just not know it and die. I have no clue why, but I would randomly become overtaken with this dread from it. 

Then after about a year of this weird sensation, I was suddenly struck with appendicitis. It came on so quick. One second I was fine, just working my job, then in the next second, I was almost doubled over in pain. I have a fairly high pain tolerance so I feel like the fact that I was nearly doubled over is saying something I guess. At the time, I tried to brush it off on something else. The MOTHER of all periods with horrible cramps, an injury, just something. I tried everything to relieve the pain. A hot bath, stretching, pain meds, etc. Nothing touched it. 

I told my husband I was going to call the hospital (it was late at night at this point) and so I called to talk to the nurse line. They told me it could be nothing or it could be something so based on my pain level it would probably be wise to get checked out. 

I had just had my daughter a few months before so I didn't want to wake her and my five-year-old son so I told my husband I was just going to drive there myself and I'd call him once I knew something if there was something to tell. They had a trailer out back of the hospital with an MRI machine that I went into and after not a long period of time, they said between the MRI and my elevated blood work that I indeed had appendicitis. 

I called Derek crying, telling him the news. He knew my strange fear and seemed a bit shocked but reassured me things would be ok. The doctor told me that they called the surgeon and that they were going to get me into surgery at 6 am. Luckily, everything went well and I did not die like I thought all these years. 

Another was far more recent. I'd say the last two years roughly. I started to have that same dread towards cancer. I kept getting these strange panicked feelings that would come sometimes out of the blue and sometimes every time I heard a radio commercial about the dangers of smoking. 

Normally, those commercials would have no effect on me, but for some reason now every time I heard one, I'd change the radio station. Needless to say though, it was the same odd sinking feeling I had with the appendicitis. Obviously, we now know that I did have cancer. 

 Maybe these were signs. Maybe I should have listened closer instead of trying to avoid them. Whenever I've had signs that were negative (well, perhaps not negative in a sense but a sign pointing me towards something big/bad coming) I fully BELIEVED it would happen. In my cases here, they did. 

So then why when I now see signs that are POSITIVE, can I not just believe it will happen? I feel like these are double standards in my life. I see signs, I stop and acknowledge these signs, but because they are positive I make excuses as to why they can't possibly happen. I second guess myself and almost try to talk myself out of them. 

Those of you that have followed my story KNOW some of the positive signs I've been given and some of them have actually come to be real. So, I have to wonder why negativity stands so prevalent over the good? Is that something everyone does? Or just me? I don't want to do this. I want to trust and BELIEVE these signs as I had with the negative ones. I wonder why I do this? Is it human nature? Is it the fact that I've had a lot of negativity in my life? Why is it easier to believe in the bad things that could happen and not the good things that could happen? 

In my eyes, they're all signs, good and bad so why is one easily digested and one is constantly questioned? When I see/hear/read a good sign I get that feeling like "this is a sign" and sometimes they even make me feel happy and hopeful inside, so why do I resist? Just like with the negative ones I got that "this is a sign" feeling then filled with dread. What makes them different? What is the reason I can't get over the fact that a sign is a sign and to just roll with it? If I would have sooner with both of those more negative examples above, maybe we could have caught them earlier? Had I really listened? 

Anyway, these were just some thoughts I had today. I hope you listen to YOUR signs. The universe (God) is always trying to tell us things. Let's listen!