Chemo-Here we go again

Well, chemo has started again. I wasn't and still am not fully sure what to expect from it. I did finally get to do chemo at the Red Wing facility closest to my house. It took them nearly 3 hours to get it all figured out since they aren't familiar with my type of chemo.

 

Once again, why having a rare cancer sucks. I can't just get treated anywhere, it makes it hard to even get "simple" things done like hooking up to an IV bag of chemo. Luckily, they did figure it out and all the nurses there were very kind. I enjoyed chatting with them.

 

The first day, I had a touch of the crawly scalp feeling I had with my very first ever round of chemo but not nearly as intense. Then I was hit with extreme fatigue. That seems to be my biggest complaint even now a few days in.

 

Today I slept nearly the entire day, on and off. I did get up to take a bath which just that bit of exertion made me out of breath. I think that's the part I hate most of all. Just walking around the house from bed to chair causes my chest to feel as if I just ran miles around the neighborhood.

 

I hate how chemo makes me feel. Not just in the physical sense. When you're trapped in bed all day, not living, and just alone with your thoughts, it gets very dark and depressing.

 

I'm happy to have Derek home at least so that he can take care of the kid(s) and the pets because then I at least don't have to push myself any harder than needed to take care of the house. But it's bittersweet, as I should probably be pushing myself a little bit to keep active even though I have no motivation to do so.

 

I keep seeing signs, up-lifting ones that I want to fall into and just let the trust and faith wash over me. I want to believe I'm here for bigger and better things. I want to be strong and prove those with this cancer wrong. That you CAN live with this, you CAN beat this even if you didn't do it exactly as the doctors said. I trusted my guy and so far my gut hasn't steered me wrong, even if at times it looked like I created more of a mess for myself, it has worked out.

 

I truly just can't envision ever not living this way now. Chemo just sucks the life right out of you. Just since my first LA surgery, I'm down nearly 15-20 pounds. Now, I can't really eat much due to nausea. I feel like I might just wither away to nothing and that be the end of it.

 

I'm also getting scared for my next scan which I know is still probably 4-6 weeks away but I hurt inside. In some places, I hurt like I did before I had my cancer diagnosis. I have to wonder what that means. Does it mean, they're right and it has spread? Is it just something from surgery? I'm not used to feeling this in this area.

 

Most of the surgery pain in the glute and pelvic area has resolved luckily but this is inside in my groin area. It feels like spasms. Before my diagnosis, that meant the tumor was pushing my uterus and bladder out of the way causing muscle spasms, I wonder what it could mean this time.

 

I know my last report said that the typical fat layer that lies between the vagina (inside) and the organs are gone. I'm not sure what, how, why, etc. that means for me but is that the cause? Will it resolve itself? Is that a permanent new fun thing I'll get to deal with? I hope it means nothing. It seems though that is the only pain that is consistent. The other pain, the glute, and pelvic pain slowly gets better and better each day.

 

I can fully lay on my right side now again without having to carefully pull/roll myself onto it. I can walk normally except for stairs. My leg is still weak and I'm not sure if that will get better or not but stairs require a bit of effort. I have to give a little extra "oomph" when going up and a little extra caution going down. My knees have been shot for quite some time so that doesn't help. They catch and cause a sharp pinching pain inside at times.

 

Ah, the remnants from being young and dumb. I've completed dislocated both knees at different times being drunk and stupid. I guess when I go out I go ALL out. I don't appreciate it now but the memories are GOLD!

 

Anyway, just thought I'd update you on the chemo process so far. Not much to tell, which is a good thing. Just lots of exhaustion and not much ability to breathe. If the extreme nausea stays away I'll be very grateful!

 

I hope you all are well and enjoying life. Don't let the world get you down! As my daughter wrote to me yesterday, "Be brave and be happy!"