Changes

 

I'm feeling pretty amazing lately. I can't explain it. I think it has to do a lot with the new diet Derek and I are doing. We're slowly starting to gravitate towards a vegetarian/vegan diet. We don't plan to take it to the extremes and never consume meat or animal byproducts but  I'd say we're trying to do it 80-90% of the time.

 

We're consuming mostly veggies, beans, rice, fruit, and a few other things. I've completely given up pop/caffeine at this point and I am shocked at how alert I've been feeling lately solely from eating better.

 

The last few days have been pretty great. I even got up and did some cleaning and cooking which I haven't done nor had energy for since before surgery. I made a completely vegan pasta dish last night which I assumed would be bland and disgusting. It actually had a lot of flavors and was even a bit spicy which I enjoy. I had to improvise a bit as we didn't have the exact ingredients needed so I can't imagine how much better it would have been had I had all the correct ingredients.

 

Obviously, there's been a few trial and errors so far since we don't fully know what we're doing yet but I truly just can't explain how clear-minded and awake I feel. Normally, I'm constantly tired and literally counting the hours until it's time to go to bed again. I'm constantly foggy-brained and annoyed. So, whatever is the cause for this feeling is really amazing.

 

I've also been looking into a natural cancer doctor to hopefully compliment my treatments and help me along in my journey with healing my mind and soul. I linked a video to some of you on my FB cancer page and will have my consult with her tonight. Despite her slow awkward talking, I really liked all she had to say. It's been what I've been asking my Mayo doctors to do all along, to DOCTOR me, not pill me. I want to learn the tools to help myself.

 

She talked about how most cancer patients are the caretakers of everyone else leaving little time to address themselves. (Personally, I think we put so much time/energy into others to avoid addressing ourselves) Cancer patients tend to bury their trauma and not deal with them or are unable to resolve them. They tend to have unforgiveness in their life. If that doesn't describe me to a T then I don't know what does.

 

Regardless of her ability to "cure" me, I think she will be a wonderful addition to my self-healing journey that I'm on. I don't want to just "cure" my cancer, I want to heal my mind and soul, too. I think of where I started not quite a year ago and it amazes me how far I've come.

 

In the beginning, I was a tightly wound, anxiety-ridden wreck. I was getting to the point of never leaving my house due to anxiety. I was constantly stressed and yelling about everything. I didn't do any of my hobbies anymore. I was questioning my entire existence, my purpose, my worth. I had lost who the hell I was. I wasn't Toni anymore. I was Derek's wife. The kids' mom. So and so's friend. But I wasn't anyone to myself. Slowly, I am returning. Slowly, I'm finding Toni again. She's just buried deep inside me somewhere trying to break free.

 

I use to be so free-minded. I use to laugh a LOT. I use to be spontaneous and daring. I use to not fear the judgment of others. I use to sing and dance whenever the mood struck me. I use to write poetry, sketch, paint, read, and do a lot of things that I just don't do anymore. I constantly complained that I didn't have time because I was a mother and a wife and a friend. There just weren't enough hours in the day to be who I wanted to be.

 

That, I'm realizing now, was just an excuse. I wasn't making the time I needed to be ME. I have to draw some lines in the sand. I can still be a wife, mother, friend, but those things don't define ME, they emphasize ME. I need to have boundaries and when I need time to be myself I need to say so. I've always been about putting others first at all times but sometimes I need to put myself first. Not always, but if I'm not ok, then I'm really in no shape to be the best of those other aspects of myself (wife, mom, friend).

 

I also have to realize that I cannot save everyone. I can encourage, I can pray, and I can hope but in the end if others do not want to help themselves to be better or grow then no one can help them. Though I want nothing more than to have the people I love be the best versions of themselves they can be. My expectations and what I believe could be their "best selves" may not be their own expectations. I know in my heart what their lives COULD be if they applied themselves but I can't constantly worry about their lives if they choose not to worry about their own. That's a hard pill for me to swallow because I know then they will have to learn the hard way as I have.

 

I was explaining to one of my best friends last night that I'm sure I'm annoying to my friends right now because I am pushing them to try to be better a lot. But I push because I care. I push because I do believe I am strong and I have been brought to my knees on this journey. I've been to the lowest I've ever been. I've contemplated (in fleeting thoughts) about suicide which is not who I am nor something I believe in but the fear, the pain, the utter low I've been through on this journey has made me question if that was the best choice. So in my brain if I, whom I think is a strong person, can be brought to that low of desperation, what would someone who isn't as strong do? THAT is why I push. I have been through utter hell so I can't even imagine watching someone go through this knowing what I've had to do and how I've felt. I don't want them to wait until the worst happens for them to realize the things I have. I don't want them to hit their rock bottom just make the changes. Learn from me. Let me bear the heavy lifting from the bottom and you follow me up.

 

But, as I said, I cannot get everyone to follow me. I have to keep paving my path and whether I do it with others behind me or I go it alone, I have to keep marching forward.

 

Now, I want to work my body as a whole. The mind, the soul, the body. I want to put good in so that I get good out. So far, it seems to be working. My clarity is unreal. I can't remember the last time I felt this way. I hope this consult with Megan at Cancer Peace University can help me through the parts of this journey that I don't know how to get around. I'm not ashamed to admit that I need help in some areas of my life. I have past trauma that still shines through me to this day and if I need help to break that open and get over it, so be it.

 

I'm excited to see where this will take me. I'm excited to find Toni again. I'm excited to meet the woman I shut away a long time ago. I bet she will be happy to come to the surface again and I bet together we will take this world by storm.