Conflicted

 My mind is in an awkward thought cycle lately. I’m not happy, sad, angry, just confused. I know I’m not even done yet so I don’t want to get excited because I know this kind of cancer is sneaky and evil… but the idea of being cancer-free even for a short time has my mind whirling. Firstly, I truly can’t imagine it. This year was by far the hardest, worst, and best all in one. Constant treatments, pain, sickness, bad news, good news, seeing my tribe step up like I never expected, community that helped, and supported me, finding myself again, so many emotions… but I can’t imagine not having treatments. Not planning for the next step. 

Next, if I do get to be one of those so very lucky people who are cancer-free, why me? I’m struggling with the thought that there may be someone else more deserving than I to live and have successfully beat cancer. What makes me so special, so lucky to be one of those people? I just keep thinking there’s a mother out there watching her child suffer, knowing they won’t survive the night after a long battle like mine that deserves the chance I might just receive. 

I’m reminded of that child I saw when I was getting my port placed, rolling passed me on a gurney, still under anesthesia, head shaved, having obviously just had surgery themselves. Is that little one still alive? Those poor parents, my heart hurts for them. I hope their outcome is wonderful and that child lives a long healthy life, but if not. Why am I ok right now and not them? 

One of my very good friends who took me under his wing and truly selflessly guided me through all of this and has the same cancer as me, has it terminally, and yet here we are in very different outcomes, why? His life is worth just as much as mine and he’s so very loved, too. I’m just not sure how to process this. It’s hard to be happy for yourself when people you care about don’t get that same joy. I don’t want to dwell on the what if’s, the whys, but I feel so conflicted. I know I need to push through this. I know that come what may my goals need to be the same… Help with sarcoma research, continue to volunteer, travel, write, do anything I can to help any future sarcoma patients. 

Right now though, I’m just struggling to comprehend what the best outcome (being cancer free) could mean for me and my family. I feel like I can never go back, I’ll never be the old me. Which in all honesty is a good thing. I’ve worked so hard to be the woman I am right now and I wouldn’t have done it without cancer. But as far as who I could be beyond cancer? That’s such a huge horizon I can’t even look to. How does one look at such an amazingly beautiful gift and know how to respond? 

Then the other side of me thinks of cancer coming back. After everything, the idea of more chemo is very daunting. I could handle radiation and surgery, but chemo strips away so much from you. Not just physically but mentally. Not only does it weaken your body but it weakens your mind. It makes you forgetful, makes you isolated, makes your darkness come to life. I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for another two-ish months of isolation and darkness. I pray it is the end. There are people, like my friend, who live on chemo treatments and I’m sitting here bitching about two more rounds. I admire his strength and his fight. But it brings me back to the why me? How do cancer survivors deal with daily life now that your eyes have been fully opened? How do continue on with a normal life now that all your priorities have changed? How do you not succumb to the paranoia that every little thing is cancer again? How? 

I keep thinking of things I could do to make sure this life of mine is not squandered. Somehow, I’ll dedicate lots of my time to sarcoma research and patients. I need to good things with this second chance but what? I will pray that I’m given a sign as to why I’ve spared. I know God isn’t done with me here so what is He wants me to do? I hope I find that reason and do the best in my power to fulfill it.