Pride

 One thing that I’ve always struggled with is self-worth. It’s always been very low. I’ve never in my life felt good enough for anyone and anything I accomplish I refuse to acknowledge because I don’t think that I deserve it. 

When completed the phlebotomy program which was something I really wanted to do and I worked really hard to get through I didn’t even go to the graduation. I had people who wanted to come to the ceremony and help me celebrate but I wouldn’t go. I didn’t stand up with the rest of my class to be acknowledged. This is just one example of how I’ve always downplayed anything big that I should be proud of. 

I suppose that’s part of what happens when you spend a good deal of your childhood being told you’re not good enough. But one thing I’ve been doing to find the root causes of my anxiety/depression/flaws is I think of my past with someone I care about in place of myself. So instead of those bad things happening to me in my memory, I see someone I love now in that memory. Then I can truly see it for what it was… trauma, brainwashing, mental abuse, whatever you’d like to call it. For whatever reason when if I remember the situation as it was, with myself in it, I think “well, I deserved that poor treatment” or “you made them do that to you because you weren’t good enough” but if I replace me with a loved one I think “what do you mean you aren’t good enough!? They’re/it is crazy not you!” It’s really been a therapeutic way to help me heal the past and therefore my present has gotten better. My anxiety is at an all-time low compared to how it was in recent years. No, it’s not gone nor do I think it will ever be fully but as of now, it’s situational, not constant. 

Lately, I feel good about myself, who I am, the things I’m doing. No, I’m not doing as much as I’d like right now but that’s for obvious reasons… healing. My body needs time and my brain needs to allow me that patience. Sometimes I have to remind myself because it's easy to fall back into old habits. I always want to push myself to the max in fear of disappointing others which in turn disappoints me. That I am doing the best I can without constantly overdoing it, I am not "normal" yet. That will come in time and pushing myself harder will only make the process longer in the end. 

I feel like I'm slowly evolving. It's a strange concept I suppose. But I feel like a flower. I was once a seed. Elements made me break open, cracking apart until a new, better version of myself starts to emerge. The stem growing green with life, reaching up through the dirt, stretching towards the sun. Now, slowly, with the light that's beginning to fill my life, I'm blooming. What a sight it will one day be! 

This growth has given me a new perspective on myself and today I’m choosing to celebrate myself. I’m PROUD of myself. What might not seem like a big achievement to others is HUGE and WONDERFUL to me so I’m going to be happy and celebrate it. 

Rein in Sarcoma liked my fundraiser coloring book pages and liked my sarcoma color book idea. They want me to make the whole coloring book myself! I’m going to be the reason children with sarcoma get these coloring books. When there’s a new patient and they get the sarcoma tote bag, the thing I made, my idea, will be in every single one. I think that’s just the most amazing thing. Makes me tear up thinking about it. 

I hate the idea of anyone, let alone a child having cancer but I will get to be the reason they might smile that day. What could ever be better than that? I really can’t think of anything. I have always struggled with “purpose.” What’s my purpose in life? Why am I here? I hated the idea of living just to live. I’ve always wanted to find my place, my something to contribute to the world. Well, I feel that I’ve found it.

 I was meant to have this cancer so that I could help others. I’ve been joining amazing groups that search for cures/commonalities/reasons for this cancer. I’ve been volunteering with Rein in Sarcoma to try to help spread awareness, and now I get to help with this project. I’m just overwhelmed with joy right now. This is just something I know I was meant to do, I can feel it in my stomach, like butterflies. 

So, I hope I don’t off as arrogant but I AM PROUD OF MYSELF and I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I’m just happy.