Goals

 I’m not sure if I’ve always had anxiety or if it’s a fun little treat I’ve acquired over the years. Some times I think I’ve always had it to some degree. I’ve always over thought everything. If I said something that could be taken out of context I’d lay awake wondering it could have misinterpreted and how each scenario made that person feel. Then I’d lay there in bed feeling each one of those emotions. 

Maybe that’s a combination of anxiety and empathy? I’m not sure but I can tell you it’s awful. You’re not even sure if whatever it was you said was miscommunicated in the first place. Then to sit there while your brain forces you to feel all the accompanying feelings that might go along with that… embarrassment, sadness, anger, fear. Sometimes them all if you thought your words could be taken multiple different ways. It really does send all kinds of horrible sensations throughout your body. My muscles are always tight. I have to consciously think about each body part separately and think to relax them. 

When I went to the chiropractor he’d repeatedly tell me to relax when he’d be adjusting each area of my body and I’d say “I am.” To which he’d respond, “no, your muscle is flexed.” On a regular basis, my body is always in tense mode. I’ve been trying so hard to find the “why” to this. I want to change it, not just the anxiety portion but the automatic responses my body takes all the time. I have to remind myself of what matters and what doesn’t, a lot. Worrying over things I can’t control. Worrying about situations that may not even be what my head is telling me it is. It’s my biggest personal goal, to reduce anxiety. 

My next goal is to live. When I say that I mean a few different things. I’ve quite literally put a lot of things on hold in my life because I was scared to fail. Failure means I’m not good enough, it means our small town has shit to talk poorly about. It means it’s something my family or HS classmates can gossip about. 

But also, failure means you have ambition. You’ve tried, likely multiple times, each time learning, adapting, becoming better. It means you have perseverance! Failure doesn’t always have to have a negative narrative. 

The other way I want to live is to achieve my long term goals. Even if people think it’s stupid. I want to travel, live on the road. This house, these cars, this STUFF doesn’t matter… it’s material. Wood, plastic, nuts, and bolts. None of this stuff makes me happy. If anything it greatly contributes to my anxiety. The clutter, the debt, all for what? So people think I’m well off? So others can look at my STUFF and think, “well, they’re semi-successful, successful enough, anyway.” So many people gauge success of off stuff… what you have physically… your possessions. Is that what defines success to you? 

For so long, I’ve worried about what all of you thought. Well, I don’t care anymore. Everyone else’s opinion, though respected, is void to me. Because MY opinion is what matters in MY life. What defines success to me is family. And most of my family isn’t blood. Sure, there are a few blood relatives I consider family but most are the people I declared my family. My husband, I chose him. Well, maybe God did if I’m being honest because he’s literally my counterpart. We’re a great team, we’re great at balancing parenting, love, life, and we’re great friends, too. My kids, they’re my world. They drive me fucking crazy but I’d gladly, and willingly lay down my life for them. 

My “friends”… again, I hand chose them. Each for their own special qualities that I love and respect. I hate calling them friends because they’ve been there for me when blood hasn’t been. They’ve stood up when I needed help but was too prideful to ask. When I struggled, they braced my back so that I could stand to fight. Maybe I was the one physically weathering the storm but they were the ones with their back to mine, bracing me up so I didn’t blow away. They always have my back. I hope to always have theirs. 

Happiness, personal growth, laughter… those are also all what defines success to me. So I have to ask myself what makes me happy? How can I grow? And I want to laugh every day! Just because I don’t want a cookie-cutter life, and because I might do things that stray from the standard does not mean I am not successful. 

Tattoos are art, expression, stories of my life, and passions all displayed for the world to see. That makes me happy. If you judge me for my tattoos, my art, that’s on you. Again, those don’t define my character. Family makes me happy. Doing good things, being a good person, that makes me happy. Music makes me happy. Being silly makes me happy. 

Finding the people who don’t belong in my life, letting go of my past, learning about who I am again, that’s growth. Learning to address my issues, learning to accept help when it’s necessary, letting my pride take a back seat once in a while… 

Not stressing about everything, not worrying about what people think, enjoying more moments will help me to laugh more. 

So, if you see me living my life differently you’ll know why. Everything I do from now is geared towards happiness. Even if you don’t understand it. My “American Dream” doesn’t look like yours, and that’s ok. My goals in life might be very different from yours so if you ever question what I’m doing you can say “oh, she’s living and living well.” I don’t want to waste another minute stressing about what anyone else thinks of me. I will let this Avenue of anxiety dies right along with 2020.