Chemo-Round One-FIGHT

 I was very proud of myself. I kept my shit together all the night before, the morning of, and most of my appointment. I made it through my first "access" where they take a roughly 1-inch needle and puncture it through the skin of your chest into your port. My port was still tender since I only just had it placed two days ago but it wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated it to be. They flushed it and drew blood through it to see my levels and tell the doctor if I was good to go for chemo or not. Luckily, I was. 

When they called me back to start the chemo, I wasn't sure what to expect. Would chemo give me side effects? If so, which ones? I'm not sure if non-cancer people know this but there's a long list, not just potentially losing your hair. Mouth, hand, foot sores, loss of taste, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, organ damage, and the list keeps going. 

I went back into the little cubicle style room with my husband escorted by a nurse. She pulled the curtain and immediately began asking questions and spouting out educational care for my port and how the chemo pump works. She left us with a quick video to show us how to de-access the port after the 24 infusions ran its course. The video lasted all of about 8 minutes and the nurse returned with a fake pump and a book that flipped open with a fake chest with a port beneath the "skin" so that my husband could practice flushing my lines and removing the needle from my port. 

She showed us how to use the port, its important buttons, and what to do if a few common problems happened with it. The more information she gave, the more my nerves began to skyrocket. I nearly exploded out of my seat and went running out. I was barely keeping it together. It was too much information, I had just received so much information about how my life would be forever changed from this point forward a few days ago. I was still trying to process that, now I'm learning all of this? I was losing it. 

The nurse, as kind as she was, couldn't keep my insides from knotting. She stepped out of the room again. Returning this time with the bags of chemo fluid. She quickly assembled the bags into the pump and all of that into the pump bag. She quickly attached the chemo IV line to my port line and threaded the pump/bag under my shirt and attached the bag to me like a fanny pack. I waited there for 15 minutes to see if I had an immediate reaction to the chemo. I didn't and was good to get sent home. 

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My chest felt like I was going to burst. I needed out of there and I needed my life back. I felt like everyone was staring at me. Though on the 10th floor, everyone has cancer and no one is staring. Although, I noticed, I was the youngest person on the cancer floor. 

I broke down in the car ride home. I just couldn't contain myself any longer. I was so overwhelmed and scared and my poor husband had to listen to me sob for the entire hour-long car ride while trying to keep my spirits lifted. Sorry to say it didn't work despite his best efforts. 

Even once getting home I just couldn't stop crying. I'm not sure I've ever cried like that before. I'm sure most of you have had the sensation at least once in your life where you feel like you just need your mom. Well, I never really had. I never really had the feeling that I "needed" anyone. But today, today it hit me. I needed my mom. I text her, anxiously waiting to see what she might say to that. Was I burdening her? I didn't want to inconvenience her and disrupt her life but nothing else was going to make me feel better. Luckily, she was very understanding and came right over. 

When she walked in I was trying so hard to not cry but I couldn't and she said, "Can I just hug you?" The flood gates were back open and I met her in the middle of my dining room for a hug. Her presence really helped me calm my nerves. She brought her cribbage board with and played cards with me and talked with me until I was calm again. I can't even tell you what it was that I needed from her I just know that I did need her. 

I have never ever been more grateful for my mom.