Chemo-Round 2-FIGHT

Round two of chemo was definitely more intense and somewhat closer to what I anticipated chemo to feel like. I had pretty extreme nausea most of the day and this time it leads to vomiting. When I first started with chemo I was given three types of nausea meds. Step 1, step 2, and step 3. The entire first round of chemo I only needed my first step of nausea med to help ease the queasiness. In this round, I had to use my step 2. 

The kids were with my mom and I was feeling sicker sooner than last round as well. The kids wanted to video call me. I really didn't want to talk to them because I felt so awful, I hadn't left my bed, but I also wanted them to know I was ok. So, I called them and made small talk for a bit and assured them I was ok. Then I coughed. Just one cough and I felt the acidy hot bile come up my throat. I tried hard to sit up in bed but I was weak and struggling to sit up as it rose from my throat to my mouth. I tossed my phone to Derek and signaled for him to find something quick! He was panicking at the end of the bed, spinning in circles looking for anything as the kids asked what was happening. Derek finally shrugged in defeat, sighed aloud, told the kids we had to go, and hung up. I angrily pointed to the empty laundry basket on the floor. He swooped it up and set it in front of me. I promptly leaned over it and threw up into it. (At least I saved my bed!) This was maybe a matter of ten seconds.

I felt the urge continue so I got up and made it to the bathroom and emptied my stomach a few more times. Not that there was much in there to empty. I was very discouraged because not long before I had taken my step 2 pill for nausea and now I had to wait another almost 8 hours to take more. 

I laid back down, curled up at the end of the bed, and started to cry. When my emotions hit me, it comes crashing down like a ton of bricks and I can't stop the flood that follows. Derek stood there watching me, trying to assure me it would be ok. 

I felt angry, sad, scared, alone, and overwhelmed all at once. I kept thinking how could this ever be ok? What if I was never "normal" again. Would my children be ashamed or embarrassed by me? Would my husband still find me attractive? Would he leave me if things became too hard? Of course, he assured me he wasn't going anywhere. 

"You have to say that! I'm literally having a mental break down! You might not say that later when I don't have a pelvis, or a leg, and have a colostomy bag!" I screamed at him through a stream of tears.

He told me, "that's life. If that happens, we adapt. I love you. Inside you." He spent the next while trying to assure me that things happen in life and we roll with the punches but he chose to be with me and will continue to choose me as we go forward. How did I get so lucky? He really is one of a kind.

The next few days were mostly spent in bed. I felt like I had the flu. Bad body/muscle aches all over, chills that came and went like the wind. I kept checking for a fever but luckily had none. Every time I got the bad chills I thought "Shit. Somehow I caught an illness and now I'll have to go back to the hospital again." Luckily, every time I checked my temperature it was normal and would reassure me it was just chemo side effects. 

I'm still learning what if anything I can eat while on chemo. So far, peach cups are about the only thing that doesn't gross me out or instantly make me sick trying to eat it. I try to eat other plain things but nothing sounds good, most foods don't have a taste. It's such a weird feeling eating with no satisfaction from it. I've cried a good many times to my husband saying "I feel like I'm just stuffing food in myself like an animal. I'm literally just eating to live at this point. There's no joy in food, it tastes like nothing and still makes my body sick." Then a wonderful friend brought me peach cups. That was a beautiful moment. 

Smells are another thing. I don't know how to explain it well but everything and I mean EVERYTHING smells terrible. A smell I can't recognize nor relay to you properly but I'm going to try. Everything is a varying degree of the same horrid smell. It's like metal mixed with a bloody smell that has a hint of sour. I think that must be the smell of chemo. The house, outside, soaps, the pets, my kids, and husband all have a different degree of that smell and it repulses me to my core. It's the most bizarre and awful thing. I just want to burrow my face into my pillow and try not to breathe in anything. 

One thing I am fortunate for is that these symptoms, so far, seem to only last about six to seven days. Then I start on an upward climb. I get so excited for this time and tend to overdo it. 

On my first semi-decent day, nausea mostly subsided but still hitting here and there, I wanted to get outside. I hate being cooped up for so long. (silly because before this I'd crave to be in my room, my bed, my safe place, at all times.) Derek had bought some mulch so I thought I'd try my hand at getting that dumped and spread out. I asked the kids to help pull weeds while I did mulch. They did a great job helping. I, on the other hand, struggled. I kept getting winded and out of breath. The bags of mulch seemed like they were a hundred pounds and I couldn't lift them. I was getting angry at myself. I had to have Connor help me. He kept offering from the beginning but I kept telling him "NO, I can do this!" though the truth is I couldn't. I caved and had him help me move the bags and keep going when I was out of breath. 

As time progressed I felt better and better. I was sleeping better, feeling almost no pain, eating normal (though we've started to change a lot about our diet.) Actually, week two, the week after my icky week, is amazing. Both times so far, week two has been great. Mentally and physically I feel more myself. This time week two was fantastic. I honestly haven't felt that good in years! I got up early to make homemade biscuits for our biscuits and gravy. I mowed the entire lawn, did laundry, swept and steam mopped the floors, and did more mulch. This time I could easily lift the bags and carry them around. I was able to do the entire job myself and felt great! I was so optimistic about the future. I thought I could take on anything! I could do this!

Then week three hit…