Cancer Saved My Life

 "Cancer saved my life." When my friend said this, it really made a lot of sense to me. See, nothing about her cancer made sense either. Wrong statistical gender, age, rhyme, and reason, but yet, here she was faced with her beast. I actually knew her and was friends with her years ago. I'm not sure how or why but we had had a falling out but remained Facebook friends. I hymned and hawed over reaching out to her. Would she feel uncomfortable? Would she be upset? It's been so long and now I'm reaching out to her because I'm looking for something that is hard to find…stability in a very unstable situation. Finally, I talked myself into it, I reached out. Without skipping a beat, she welcomed me into her life and became an instant confidant. I'm so grateful for her and all her experiences. I'm also twice as grateful that I knew her at another time in our lives. It's like winning some strange lottery. We are a part of a very strange selective group but as limited as the entry into this group is, it's very tight-knit and I needed that. There's already this comfort from knowing her in the past but also comfort in knowing she completely understands the rollercoaster ride of this beast.

You see, there are so many levels of emotions that go along with this and not all of it is bad. Once you're told you have cancer you immediately feel like it's a death sentence, followed by regrets, then after the hurt and the betrayal (because it does sort of feel like a betrayal), something kind of amazing happens. You look at your life and think "how can I really live?" I know for me personally, the last two years or so had really taken its toll on me mentally. My anxiety had skyrocketed out of control. To the point, I never really wanted to leave the house. I had excuses for everything, even simple things, things I would normally otherwise have loved to do. I'm not sure why my anxiety had gotten so bad I just know that at one point between full-time school, work, being and mom and wife had just beaten me down and I lost it. I remember the moment I finally snapped. I quit school on the spot, attempted to quit my job though my boss had talked me into staying as a backup, and if I'm being honest, if I could have quit being a mom and wife I probably would have done that, too. Life had simply become too much. That was not me. I always had big dreams and ambitions and normally if I had a plan to do something, I'd find a way to do it. That version of myself was gone. I knew it, my best friend knew it, my husband maybe didn't fully know it but knew I was struggling or maybe didn't want to know it. She. Was. Gone. And I loathed myself for being so stuck.

But now after the hurt, after swallowing the news I thought, "Wow, I wasted so much time worrying…and for what?" Now, all I want to do is live and live the way I want to. I'm going to use my excess time to work towards goals. I'm going to spend less time on my phone and more time making memories with my kids. I'm going to spend time trying to discover more about myself, my spirituality, my family's spirituality, and our collective goals. 

There are so many things now looking back that really don't matter and are such a waste of time even thinking about or spending time worrying about it. I don't want to worry anymore. I want to enjoy the little moments, the big moments, and the people that make those moments great. 

This was/is a wake-up call to myself. I hope I'm given a second chance to prove to myself that I'm every bit as fierce as I use to be. I want to spend each day forgiving, forging new friendships, and finding new ways to enjoy life. 

Without cancer, I'd still be stuck in my rut. I'd still be bitter at myself, bitter at my father, bitter about life in general, holding my regrets but never leaping forwards, and never forgiving those who desperately deserved forgiving (myself included). Without cancer, I'd still be body shaming myself. I'd still be looking in the mirror every day upset with what I see and glaring at the scale because I wasn't ten pounds lighter. (I swear if I beat this, I will literally have a party where I burn my scale and never buy another one.) Without cancer, my relationship with my mom wouldn't have evolved from ok to great. I can honestly out loud say to my mother that I love her and I mean it with every ounce of me. Without cancer, I wouldn't have made or reconnected with some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I just think of these new/newly rediscovered connections and think I'm so glad we were brought together! Their words, wisdom, and deep passions are unlike anyone else's because they know what I'm now lucky enough to know, too.