First Mayo Appointment

I really tried to be optimistic today. We dropped the kids off with my very understanding mother last night so that we could get up early and go through an entire day of appointments at Mayo in Rochester. 

My first appointment was an MRI, finally. It was long and loud but I was happy to finally be getting one and getting the information needed. When they put me in the tube, before each scan, (which each one lasted anywhere from 2 to 4 minutes apiece) this loud horrible warning buzzer would sound. I thought of every movie that had a system lockdown happen. It wasn't the most calming sound for sure. 

Next, was a CT scan of my chest to see if it had spread. We were early for the appointment but informed when we got there we had to go back for more MRI images. Gimping my way back down the halls of Mayo I got changed back into the gown and got a few more MRI images taken. I made my way back to the CT area again and that took all of 2 minutes. 

Finally, we got to go eat and the next appointments meant results. Waiting in the waiting room my husband and I met an older couple and talked about the craziness of the world. The very nice couple that set me up for hope. After a lot of small talk, the wife finally asked if I was there for treatment. I explained this was the first day for me. Today was information day. She told me her story, she had lung cancer. Though it was being responsive to treatments it wasn’t curable. I heard my name over the intercom. Showtime. The woman told me she'd keep me in her prayers and I told her I'd do the same for her. I was grateful for her. For her story, her calm. 

After getting to the room I met with most of my cancer care team, one right after the other. It was a lot of people and a lot of information in a very short period of time. They talked about chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery. Most likely I'd have them all at different stages, starting with chemo. Then they pulled "Bertha" up on the computer screen. Not one did it extend into my abdomen roughly 7 inches, it traveled through my pelvic notch into my glute another 6inches. They explained that because of where this tumor is I could very realistically lose my leg and half my pelvis and sacrum.  I was expecting to hear a lot of things today, but that wasn't one of them. 

When I say my heart dropped into my stomach, that’s an extreme understatement. I felt like all the blood drained from my face. I was instantly nauseous. I was freezing cold but hands and face felt clammy and hot. 

My emotional roller coaster started up again. I could feel the sting of tears welling up all while trying so hard to take this news in stride. I kept going from extreme highs of "what's a leg, I can learn to walk again" to "what the fuck am I going to do. What does this mean for my kids, my marriage, my life?" 

Will my husband and kids still look at me and love me the same if I lose a leg? I will have so many appointments, how will my husband work if he's taking me to appointments or I'm going alone and he's home with the kids? Will this destroy my kid's outlook on life? Will I live through this in the end? If not, what happens after death? My brain is a whirlwind of questions that are not able to be answered right now. 

My brain is a constant misfire of information overload. Thoughts bouncing all over the place. Trying to pull my shit together for the sake of my family but also trying to grieve for myself. I’ve never spent much time thinking about my own mortality but I guess, I’ve never had a real reason to. Now, it’s all I can think of and why me? What did I do wrong? Could I have prevented this? 

I feel like all of this meant to teach me something. Patience most likely. I always have to have every detail about everything, always have to know everything. Now, I literally can't know anything until after I've already done the drugs, had the scans, talked to the doctors. I will not go forward looking up every little detail or every statistic. That's not going to get me anywhere and I am not a statistic. I'm part of a very very small group where not much is known yet. I hope to somehow shed some light on this and help others in this horrible situation.