Radiation Complete and Surgery Thoughts

 I can’t believe we’re here. 8 months may not seem like a long time in the grand scheme of things but to me, it feels like a lifetime. 8 months of constant treatments, appointments, multiple doctors, poking, and prodding my body. 

 

Now, I’m sitting here thinking “what do I do now?” I still have cancer in me but for now, I’m not actively fighting it if that makes any sense. Seems daunting to me. 

 

I can tell you though that my body desperately needs a break. I can feel the overall depletion. I’m so antsy to do normal things again without pain, without extreme fatigue. I’m finding myself getting angry at myself because I keep making plans now that I have some time but I physically can’t keep up and regret making the plans. I hate spilling my wheels but not really getting anywhere. I know better than anyone that I need to slow down, I need to rest and heal before I can run. That’s time I don’t want to wait on rest even though my brain knows that’s exactly what’s needed or I’m just going to take even longer to recover in the end. It's so frustrating admitting that. 

 

My shoulder still causes me lots of pain. A direct result of going too hard before I’m ready and now I’m a month in of dealing with this pain. 

 

Now I also have all the anxiety and worries about surgery in a massive city I’ve never been to in the midst of a pandemic and a terrible election. I’m so scared that something will happen and I won’t get surgery. Or I will get surgery and it won’t go well like last time. That’s a feeling I never want to experience again. I don’t want to wake up alone in a hospital room again to the shock of “it didn’t go as planned.” I’m not sure I could go through that again. What if they don’t get it all and I need more treatment? Can my body withstand more radiation? I’ve also never worried about the pain of surgery before but this time I’m really worried. I have no clue how big the incisions will be, where exactly they’ll be (only that I’ll have one in front and one in back), and with having radiation first my insides are already so sore. 

 

Then we have the task of figuring out how the heck we’re going to make a month in LA work with the kids and animals. My husband wants to stay the whole time which simply isn’t possible. I can already sense his anxiety towards it. We’re hoping he can come for at least a week or two over my actual surgery. He keeps saying “they need to let me stay with you the whole time.” With Covid I know that’s not an option but he’s getting angry and pushy with being there. He keeps saying “I’ll stay in the room the whole time, I won’t eat or need anything, I’ll just stay in there and help you.” I know he means well and I know the last surgery was hard on him mentally and emotionally, too. I just don’t want him taking his frustrations out on the hospital and making an already tense situation worse. 

 

The kids are being strong about me being gone. My daughter is trying so hard to be brave for me but cries on and off when she talks about it being a month. She got the good news of me being home for Christmas so I’m so grateful and happy that I could give her this one small joy that she very much deserves. Christmases are special around here. We have little traditions that just wouldn’t be the same. I’m struggling a bit with the idea of being away for so long from them, too. I know my kids need me but I need them too. I won’t be able to snuggle my daughter or joke around with my son. I know when I’m there it’ll probably be different, my focus will be on healing and appointments but right now I’m just pre-missing my kids. 

 

I’m very emotional lately. I’m not particularly sad or upset per se but I just randomly tear up and get sappy thinking about how lucky I am or how much love I see coming my way. It’s really a beautiful thing to get to see these kinds of special gestures of kindness from people. Some I’ve never met, some I use to know but the years took us in opposite directions, and some I’ve known a lifetime. Hopefully, I can all my emotions in check soon before someone thinks I have some watery eye disorder. 

 

Overall, this 6 week period is just a bit overwhelming. I know I need to chill and just rest but I so badly want to see everyone and spend time with people before I leave. My body is literally screaming at me to rest, to heal, and give it time. There’s nothing worse than your body and mind disagreeing. I truly hope I can find a middle ground for my mental and physical health. Here’s to healing!