Pity Party

 *Disclosure-pity party ahead but this is my therapeutic process. I need to write out my poisonous thoughts or they consume me. Read at your own discretion *

I am not ok today. The sun may be shining, the birds singing, but unlike most days where those would normally pull me from my slump, today is consumed by my own darkness. 

I can’t stop crying thinking how much I burden my family and friends. They reassure me this isn’t true but I see their struggles. I watch my husband come home exhausted after working overtime to then work again taking care of a house I didn’t clean, food I didn’t cook, dogs I didn’t feed… I see my mom struggling with being burnt out and finding her own balance in life because she’s young enough to have her own life but instead she’s here helping raise my kids while I sleep. I see my friends out with their other friends or just living their normal life but in the back of their brains trying to still somehow incorporate me into their life. 

More importantly, I think about my kids. My son over with dad getting to live a normal life. Seeing people, having fun, not here in quarantine. Then there’s my daughter. My sweet strong little girl who is trapped here with my reality whether or not she likes it. No friends or playdates, no outings, stores, and a lot of emotional baggage that she willingly picks up from me. 

Today I tried to watch her do chalk drawings but I didn’t feel good and the sun felt like it was melting my skin so I sulked inside and I turn around to see her little face. “You don’t have to come in now baby it’s ok if you want to play outside. I just need to lay down.” To which she says “but I want to be with you.” 

She laid with me while I cried, hugging me tight in this dungeon of a room. My heart is exploding with equal parts of mom guilt and the love she’s giving me because I don’t want to be alone. I embraced her and pulled her so close to me, tears soaking her hair. I rubbed my thumb along her arm while we snuggled then I noticed her little thumb starting to rub my arm in return. “It’s going to be ok, mom.” She says through her own tears. 

Today just isn’t my day. I can’t help but feel so sad and sorry for myself. It makes me so fucking angry to feel this way but I can’t help it today. 

My brain just won’t let go of all the “what if’s” and possible outcomes of this. Not just for me but for my family. If I don’t beat it what does that mean for them? If I beat it but lose half my body then how can anyone in my life even attempt to live their normal life? Will my children be ashamed of me because I wasn’t stronger? Will my husband leave me because I’m no longer an equal partner in this relationship, physically and mentally? 

I’ll just be here alone waiting for other people’s lives to incorporate me into theirs. I’ll be an afterthought, “oh it’s been a while I should go see Toni.” But that visit will be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. 

And if I don’t make it at all then my family will struggle with their own terms of loss. People will come and say “let me know if you need anything” and “I’m so sorry for your loss.” But they won’t call on those people. They’re suffering in silence like everyone usually does. Then like me, they’ll be an afterthought because everyone else has their own lives to live. 

I hope my children would overcome it. I hope they wouldn’t take the end of my journey as darkness over their own. I hope my husband would move on, fulfill his goals and dreams. He struggles with his own demons already. Who would be here to help him when his darkness takes over? I’ve been here long enough now to know when it hits him and how to bring him out of it. But no one else does. That’s my job. Who will learn that about him and make sure he stays on his path without stumbling into blackness?

I’m sorry if I’m bringing you down. That’s not my intent. I just need to be real and raw. No one sees these sides of the fight. Most of the time not even those closest to me. My kids and husband see hints here and there like today when I just can’t keep things bottled up. But even now they don’t know the pain and fear I feel. Derek is trying to be a dad right now and make sure Celia is still able to enjoy a beautiful day because she deserves that. She deserves to be 7 and not trapped in my ugly thoughts with me. She deserves so much more right now than what she’s got. They all do. I’m just so sorry I can’t be strong enough to give them all they deserve right now.