Purpose

 I'm not sure if I mentioned this before in any of my other posts but when I started my chemotherapy, Dr. Robinson was very candid with me about their experience with Trabectadin (my brand of chemo). He stated to me that though all the medical journals said this type worked best for my type of cancer, Mayo Rochester had yet to see it have results and shrink the cancer. Though I feel this is partially untrue as I have a friend with a more advanced version of my cancer and Trabectadin shrunk his after about 10 months and not significantly. 

When Dr. Robinson told me this I was devastated. I asked why then would they even try it if they had yet to see it do anything. He said because all the research says this is the best for it. So when I went in for my scan I expected very much to receive more negative news. Obviously, as of my last journal about this, we know that I received positive news and that it is indeed working. 

I was talking to my friend today about my upcoming treatment and discussing my anxiety about cancer in general and she said something that I'll never forget. I had never even thought of this in this way before. She said, "you will now be other peoples sliver of hope. Mayo can never again say that they haven't seen this chemotherapy work." It really made me feel amazing. No, no one will ever know my name or my story but they will know that someone at Mayo paved the way for this cancer and that it does in fact work. 

I often wonder what my life's purpose is. I think why was I put here, what was I meant to do? I don't ever want my life to just fly by, living to just to live. I want to do something great with my life, somehow. Now, I think, maybe this was why? Was this my destiny? Maybe all of this happened for a reason and I was meant to be the first person in our little region to do this. So that others might have hope for their treatment. 

Obviously, I'll never know but I'd like to think so. I always get very emotional and anxious before starting my next round. It's like reality comes flooding back to me and I realize how different my life is now and will be forever going forward. 

My friend that I talked with today will soon be done quarantining and Connor is now with his dad for two months so now I feel as if I have nothing "normal" going on in my life. I'm trying hard to focus on the good things that are happening in my life but I can't help but feel more alone than ever. Now I will have nothing that makes me feel normal. This house I love so much is now getting sickening. I decided that maybe I could at least try to make some money from home, something to put my focus and energy into so that I can distract myself. So I started selling Monat. I figure at least then I can feel useful in some way. 

I know all of these things seem more daunting to me now because I'm anxious and scared to start chemo again but it helps to write them out. It gets them out of my body and into the universe where I hope someone hears them and in turn gives me the strength to move forward. My friends tell me that I am strong and that if anyone can "beat cancer" that it's me and sometimes I think, "Wow, I must put on a hell of a good show." I am not strong. I know that because yes, while I'm speaking to you I'm mostly composed. I pull myself together as best I can for pride (I'm not sure if I do it more for your sake or my own) but when I hang up or am alone, I curl into a ball on my bed and cry. I hug my blankets and mutter "I'm not strong enough to do this." Then I get up and go to the hospital anyway and I ignore my calls until I'm ok enough to tell you I'm ok without breaking down. 

I am trying so so hard to focus on the things that are good. Like what my friend said… if that's true and that is my purpose in life then maybe things I've done and been through have not been wasted and all for nothing. If I can pave the way for others then maybe I am not worthless. Maybe this will all be ok in the end. Even if I'm not ok in the end, maybe someone else out there will be, and unknowingly to them, I will get to be a part of it.