Plan B

 Again, I didn’t get the best news yesterday but also not the worst. I’m really just hoping for a miracle. That some surgeon somewhere out there can remove this beast, Bertha. I have a higher chance of survival and being “cured” for longer that way. Plan A, they feel, will be unattainable due to the size and the invasiveness of the tumor to vital components of me. 

Plan B is to try to kill it with chemo and radiation and leave it there. With that, I have a higher chance of it starting to grow again and I will technically never be “cured.” So, assuming all of my other surgeon opinions come back the same, that surgery is not an option, I will move forward with high dose radiation for about 7 weeks. That means going to Mayo Rochester every weekday for 7 weeks to receive treatments in hopes that the radiation will kill this. 

Dr. Amed and her nurse, Sara, are a lot like me. Strong women, honest, and blunt women. While I appreciate them for their boldness their words aren’t easy to take. Her words about radiation were "I know your tumor will respond I just can't tell you for how long. It could be a month, it could be a year, it could be 5 or 10 years but there will be a time it grows again I just can't tell you when. That's not including metastasis to new parts of the body that's just this area that we're treating."

The most frustrating part for me is that I know I can handle this. I'm prepared for this fight. I'm not, however, prepared for the heartache. When I love, I love hard. I love my children, my husband, my friends, my family. I hurt knowing that they will have to go through their own feelings about this. That my life expectancy is likely not as long as theirs and that they will suffer heartache. My husband just kept repeating the same question to Dr. Amed throughout the visit, "10 years? That's not that long, she's only 32, that means that 42 if she's lucky she will have to go through this again? 10 years is not long at all, we need 50 more years. Where is the literature and data on people going through this without surgery?" And like everything during my treatment they tell me that it's so rare finding anything is difficult and nearly impossible because they lump all sarcomas together so finding anything about my kind and situation specifically would be a huge task. My husband was upset and angry when we left that "they're not doing their jobs to find out what causes this and how we could prevent reoccurrence." 

This hurts my heart knowing that he might be a widower at a young age. My children might live a big chunk of their life without me. Getting married, having kids, traveling the world, living their lives and I might not get to share it with them. I personally believe that what happens to me is meant to be but the part that hurts is knowing how they might hurt without me here. I don't want them to hurt. I don't want to be the reason they feel pain or sadness. All I've ever wanted to do was to make people smile and laugh and feel loved and appreciated. 

I try to not let my brain go to that dark place but unfortunately, it's also a possible reality and I want to do all I can to ease them into that if it indeed does happen. 

I also don't want to regret anything in my life. I feel like I have so much left to do but the clock keeps ticking louder and louder reminding me that if I don't move quickly, I might not get to do those things. I want to live the way I feel I was meant to. I want my kids and husband to be by my side every day as we travel the world. I want every second I can with them. My life goal has always been to live on the road. Derek and I are trying hard to make that a possibility as quickly as possible. We sold our camper, we're paying off as much debt as possible so that we can obtain that dream. I feel like if I can reach that goal, it will help show my kids that big dreams are obtainable and that life is meant being spent with those you love above all else. Above money, above the rat race of life, and that not all "American Dreams" have to be the same. 

I really hope we have the time to do those things. I hope we can achieve those things. I feel like there would be no greater life lesson to my kids than showing them dreams can come true and living life the way YOU need to is ok even if others don't understand it. I want them to know that just because you don't have/want the 9 to 5 career, the house with the white picket fence, the perfect spouse, and the bank account with tons of money does not mean you are not successful in life. 

I think this would be the best life lesson I could give them. It would bring my heart so much joy to accomplish this and give my brain peace of mind knowing that I've given them this lesson by leading by example. It would hopefully show them how much I love them. That I achieved this dream with them, for them, and obviously it would be nice to just be free from life's constraints. 

Physically, I can't stand thinking about not being able to do this for my family. When Connor was little and it was just me and him I always swore someday, we'd live that way. We wouldn't fall in line with everyone else. We weren't going to be like everyone else because we just aren't like everyone else. We were going to find a way to travel, live free, and just be together. Obviously, life happened and that never happened. 

Now, I'm more determined than ever to make that a possibility. I want my kids to be free thinkers. I want them happy and with their family. We weren't meant to live this way… Working to live. It's time, I feel, to flip that around. To just live and live to work if that’s what we choose. To put each other first, our time together first. So that's what I'm going to do