Port Placement

 I got my port today. If you're not sure what one is and are curious, Google it. It'll just make more sense. It’s a little device they place under the skin that has a rubber catheter attached to it that gets put into a bigger vein so that they can easily administer chemo regularly. This port can stay in for a very long time so it makes treatments going forward easier. 

I wasn't overly nervous at first. The morning was a rush to get ready, get up there, find the right building, and figure out how we are going to do everything we need to after this appointment. 

We found St. Mary's with ease and found our waiting room after going through the Covid screening like we do every time we go to Mayo Clinic. In the waiting room, my nerves started again. Normally, surgery doesn't bother me but the last one I had ended up being a nightmare and that's when they discovered the cancer. So needless to say I was a bit anxious. Luckily, all the doctors and team members were amazing. The doctor immediately asked if I wanted my husband back there, which I was so happy for. A lot of the time they won't allow it due to the Covid but slowly Mayo is going back to normal now. Right away the doctor acknowledged my Ramones tattoo. He is literally the first person to know who that was and asks me about it. He said he had tattoos, too. He joked with me and made a bad situation a light one. 

I got my IV and after my husband and the butch military male nurse got done shop talking about the military, he wheeled me down the hall towards the OR. 

Along the way, my nerves starting to ease a bit I see another bed coming towards us. There laid a small little child, still asleep from anesthesia. Hair gone, oxygen cannula in their nose, laying so sweetly. It broke my heart and again reminded me about the bigger picture. I know I'm scared, I know I feel like my world is crashing down, and it's hard to remain positive but at least I'm not a child. No child should have to go through this and no parent should have to watch their child go through this. It really brings perspective to the situation. 

You never really deeply think about these kinds of struggles or even death until you're told it’s a possibility much sooner than you thought. It's a wake-up call. I just keep thinking please let me make it through this. I will do things right. I will eat better, exercise, I'll put my phone down, and enjoy all the moments in front of me. I won't smoke, I won't stress the little things (maybe even the big things), and I will never ever shame my body again. I haven't even started my treatment yet and I'm already losing weight so fast. I don't feel hunger anymore. I force myself to eat. I'm not sure if it's because the tumor is so large and pushing on things or if it's the overload of stress or both. I just know I spent so many years worrying about my weight. Constantly stepping on the scale, trying not to eat those sweets or those carbs. I didn't eat right, I just did what I needed to lose those pounds. Now I sit here and think, "WHY!? It didn't matter!" 

So many things now just don't matter. Then there are others that matter so much it makes my heart hurt thinking I wasted so much time not fully enjoying them. 

Today was a lot of thought and a lot of emotions. I survived, too. The port is in place and I'm on to the next step. Chemo. At the moment I should be more fearful but I'm anxious to get started and see what it can or can't do for me going forward. I want to beat this. I want to show it who's boss. I want to have so much faith in my doctors that they know how to handle this. So that's what I'm going to try to do. Here's to the beginning of the fight!