Thoughts

 Some days, I really feel so optimistic and wonderful. I feel like I can take this thing head-on and put it in its place. 

Then some days, I just can't dig myself out of the slump. I think about the possibilities of life going forward. Many "what if's" and those are not good for the brain even for people without cancer. 

I just keep thinking about what this means for my children. What would their life be like without a mother? Or a very disabled mother if I lose half my pelvis and my leg? In the same regard, what will that mean for my marriage? Is it fair to my husband to have a wife like me at such a young age? Maybe he'd be better off leaving and finding someone new to enjoy the rest of his life with. What would life be like for me if I lost that much of my body? Would my quality of life be diminished? Would I want to live that way? Could I live that way without becoming bitter and miserable?

There are so many questions that simply can't be answered. That is the worst part of this process, the mental trauma. There are no definite answers in anything going forward. They can't just fix this. They have to try this and try that and hope that it works. What if I'm doing all this, chemo, radiation, just to end up losing my leg or my life anyway? I wish so much that there were just a few definite answers. 

I'm trying so hard to just be better in all aspects of my life. I haven't smoked since before my failed surgery so going on two months now, I'm eating way healthier, taking vitamins, and I've cut out pop/caffeine completely. Again, I'm not sure if any of this will help but I'm giving it my best effort. I hope it all pays off. 

I wish I could be the strong, dominant person people think that I am. I wish I could be upbeat and optimistic every day. I hate all of this. I just keep thinking if they found it just a little bit sooner, a few months sooner, I might not be in this mess. I could have just had surgery and had it taken out. But here we are. Again, I can't change it and I have to accept that. Easier said than done.

There are positives though if you really look at it. I have found who is really there for me in my time of need, who genuinely cares. I have met some very kind people that I would have otherwise not met and there are a lot of new outlooks on life.